The Red Eye
by badjujube
Summary: It's important for any private investigator to maintain a good relationship with local law enforcement and it's representatives. Therefore, I am always cooperative and polite with Chief Swan. Also, I try not to drink his daughter Bella's blood. Complete.
1. Femme Fatale

**a/n: This is beta'ed by the saintly EverlastingMuse. I don't own Twilight, but you probably knew that, right?**

Chapter 1: Femme Fatale

Even as a human I loved detective stories. As a boy I snuck the works of Edgar Allen Poe, Wilkie Collins and Arthur Conan Doyle into my room and pored over these while I was supposed to be reading the Romantic poets and the collected works of Shakespeare. Later I read the novels of Raymond Chandler, Dashell Hammett and John MacDonald, often in grubby pulp magazines I had to hide from my siblings so they wouldn't tease me. As if it was porn or something.

I loved the way that the detectives in the stories had flaws, dark pasts, made mistakes and tortured themselves for these mistakes. I loved the way they tried to do the right thing even while hovering in that grey area between the upright world and the seedy underbelly. I liked the way they were able to help innocent people by intervening in that dark world for them, so that they could stay innocent. I like the way they questioned their humanity. I can totally relate.

So when I decided that I wanted to do something to involve myself with humanity in a more interesting way than going to high school for the 20th time I chose to start a detective agency. Despite the fact that I'm a vampire, I'm kind of a natural for this sort of thing because a) I can read minds b) I have vampire skills like a heightened sense of smell, vision, etc. and c) I don't sleep. In fact, at The Red Eye Detective Agency, that's our motto; "We don't sleep". People just take it to mean that we work on their cases tirelessly. But really, it's…well, you get it.

I say "our" motto because I am joined part-time by my sister Alice. She's also a real natural for this field because she's a psychic. Not, like, Miss Cleo, psychic friends network, call her up and ask her about your love life. More like she gets visions of the future and can sometimes "look" for the future of certain people

We also occasionally utilize the skills of our siblings: her husband Jasper because he's a brilliant tactician, having fought in the Civil War, can detect and change emotions and is pretty good on the computer, our brother Emmett because he is the kind of guy that a detective should have around, big and intimidating, although really he's a big cupcake, and his wife Rosalie who's a master mechanic and really the one the bad guys should be scared of. She also makes a good distraction because most human males think she's attractive. If they knew the toxicity of her personality they might think twice, but maybe not. Human males are pretty predictable.

Speaking of predictable, we're so good at solving mysteries that sometimes we have to pretend that it takes longer to solve a case than it really does so we don't make people suspicious. It's also important for us to maintain a really low profile. We have an office in downtown Forks, Washington; population: 3,120 humans, 7 vampires. We stick to pretty small time stuff: cheating spouses, tracking down lost loves, stuff like that. We don't take any cases farther away than Port Angeles usually and if it's anything that is going to attract the attention of the press or any major law enforcement, I pass it off to the Fork's Chief of Police, the inscrutable Charlie Swan.

I am especially careful to always be polite and cooperative and to hide any trace of the supernatural from Chief Swan. It's always important for any private investigator to maintain a good relationship with the local law enforcement and it's representatives.

Also, it would be a bad idea to drink his daughter Bella's blood. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

Every great private detective has woman trouble. There's the classic scene where our hero wakes from an alcohol stupor in his squalid office and through the haze of his hangover sees the shapely legs of a femme fatale, a gorgeous woman who will lead him into danger with a hint of her luscious lips and the sway of her curves.

You'll remember that I don't sleep and I can't get drunk so the hangover scene is never going to happen for me. I should also explain that I'm not terribly experienced sexually. By which I mean I have no experience. Emmett accuses me of being gay all the time. The flaw in his theory is that the only thing that is less interesting to me than sex with a woman is sex with a man.

I have this theory that we vampires get stuck in our temperaments when we are changed. Esme was a young mother when she was changed and she has forever been a mother to us, despite the fact that I am, in fact, older than her. Emmett got stuck as a redneck in his early 20s, into hunting, women and raising hell.

So here's what I was fixated on when I was changed:

1) Waiting until I was 18 to join the army and fight in the Great War

2) Pretending to be 18, joining the army and fighting in the Great War

3) Joining the Navy, etc.

4) Joining the Marines, etc

5) Baseball (Go Cubs!)

6) War

7) Whether my mother was going to find the copy of "Sherlock Holmes" stories I had hidden in the back of my dresser

8) War

Which brings me to my present conundrum. I got over my fixation with war the way most kids nowadays get over their fixation with The Doors once they're out of high school. Because neither war nor Jim Morrison are really as cool as they initially seem to the immature adolescent.

I still like the Cubs, even though they haven't won the World Series since I was a human 7 year-old, which is longer than you might think, especially given my boyish good looks. No one is going to punish me for reading detective novels anymore. Especially since Emmett barely even reads. You should hear the way he bitches if we try to watch a movie with subtitles.

But I still hadn't developed the obsession with sex that everyone else in the world had. Which would have been cool if I lived with monks or with some power-hungry coven like the Volturi (more on them later). I mean, those guys are more interested in regulating on vampires and mind-fucking each other than sexual shenanigans. But while in my family Rosalie does kind of control Emmett and Alice does control our wardrobes there's no major power-tripping going on. We pretty much have lots of time to sit around pretending to be human. Which for my siblings and parents means having sex. Loudly. As if I can't hear their thoughts as well.

Which is not to say that I don't have women trouble. Just not in the shape of a curvy blonde with a cigarette dangling from her red lips but a petite, brunette high school senior who likes Jane Austen and milkshakes.

**a/n: Just want to let you know, this is not a real mystery nor will there be any angst. It's just goofy. But it is halfway written so at least I will update on something like a regular basis. Which I hope will impress someone out there. Thanks for indulging me. JuJu**


	2. On My Case

**a/n: I don't own it. EverlastingMuse is the marshmallow to my sweet potatoes.**

My woman trouble began in the end of October. I was wrapping it up in the office when I got a call from my sister Rosalie, asking me to pick her up an oil filter for our father's car. I get calls for these errands a lot since I work in town. Carlisle and Emmett work in town, too, but Emmett purposefully screwed up the errands he got sent on so many times they don't even ask him anymore. Which leaves Carlisle and I, but because he has a "real job" and because I have too much pride to act as dumb as Emmett it comes down to me. I get a little annoyed when they treat me like the family errand-boy.

"Rose," I whine. "Why can't you ask Carlisle? He's working today, too." I should have known better.

"Because Carlisle _works_ as a doctor while you _play_ Sam Spade all day." Ouch! Rose can be a little harsh, as you can see.

"Fine, but I'm not making any other stops." These errands can get a little excessive with my sisters making requests for beauty products and my mom sending me to the craft store. You have no idea what it's like to be a 110 year-old vampire pretending to be a 20-something man having to ask where the "googly eyes" are.

So I'm walking over to the auto parts place because it's just about a block away from my office when my phone rings again. I ignore it because I am sure that it's just someone else at home asking for hairspray or blank cds. It's a typical windy day in Forks and with it blowing at my back I'm pretty sure that my already crazy hair is looking like a clown wig.

The streets are pretty empty because it's Forks, population: practically nothing, when around the corner comes this teenage girl. She's small, dark-haired and almost as pale as one of us. I prepare myself for the onslaught on teenage mind, a flavor I am way too accustomed to tasting. I pat myself on the back again that I found an alternative to high school this time. The girl glances at me and I try to place her but I don't think I've ever seen her. Which is weird because it is _Forks_, after all.

I am beginning to wonder why I haven't heard her mind yet and my phone is continuing to ring in my pocket. Then I realize that I hear the sound of my brother's voices in my head and sense them coming near me, fast. At that moment the wind shifts directions suddenly and I smell the most enticing thing I've ever smelled. It's the girl's blood and it's better than any blood I've ever smelled. I haven't drank from a human in 70 years and I'm just about to change that because I don't think I can resist.

My whole body goes into predator-mode and I start to crouch down, the better to spring at her. My mouth fills with venom and I'm sure I look scary as shit. I barely have a chance to think about what's going to happen when I am seized from behind by my brothers.

"Hey, Eddie," Emmett is holding on to one arm while Jasper has the other. "Not so fast." I can feel Jasper sending calm feelings my way. It barely takes the edge off but it clears my head enough for me to realize that I was about to eat a teenage girl out in public. In front of a used bookstore. Bad form.

She has slowed down and is looking at us, wide-eyed, clutching some books to her chest.

"Eddie hates the dentist." Emmett says to her with a smile. "We have to drag him there every time." He laughs. She doesn't.

My brothers start to drag me back away down the sidewalk in the opposite direction and I don't struggle. What the fuck just happened to me? I start to talk but Jasper interrupts. "We'll talk about it at home." he hisses and sends another wave of calm my way. We have turned away from the girl but I take one last look back and see the girl has gotten to the door of the bookstore and has paused with the handle in her hand, still looking at us with curiosity and alarm.

I try once more to probe her thoughts but I can't hear anything from her. My phone is still ringing and Jasper pulls it out of my pocket and answers it.

"Yeah, honey, we got him." He listens for a second. "We'll bring him straight home." He says goodbye and hangs up. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "You gonna answer your phone from now on, sport?"

All I can do is stare at him.

I am driving back to the house I share with my family with Jasper and Emmett, without an oil filter, wondering what the hell just happened. I mean, on the surface, I _know_ what just happened. I almost ate a girl on Main Street in Forks. I know I said that before, but I am blown away by the reality of it. If my brothers hadn't come along I would have killed her. I would have blown our cover in the most spectacular way possible.

"Fuck!" I punch my own leg in frustration. Jasper looks at me with concern. Emmett laughs. I shoot him a glare.

"Does anyone mind telling me who the hell that was?" I assume they know since they're being so cool about the whole thing.

"That's Chief Swan's daughter, Isabella. She just started school this week." Jasper says thoughtfully. That poor sucker Jasper let Alice con him into going to high school again with her. Alice just never gets enough prom committee, I guess.

"I saw her and Chief Swan at Thriftway this weekend. Seems like a sweet girl." Emmett says, "Geez, she's just a high school kid, Edward." He is shaking his head at me, laughing.

"A high school kid who almost didn't get a chance to go to Homecoming." Jasper says. I growl at him. I am embarrassed and furious. Why didn't Alice see this sooner? I could have left town or avoided her. How am I going to manage this? I'm going to have to leave town. It's going to break Esme's heart but I can't risk being anywhere near this girl again.

"If it wasn't Chief Swan's daughter maybe we could find to another teenage girl to munch on." Emmett is grinning at me over his shoulder as he gets closer to our house. "Whatsherface Mallory's mom really likes you. Maybe you could do a sex for teenage daughter trade."

"Dude, you've been watching too much 'Secret Lives of American Housewives' or something." Jasper gives Emmett a punch in the shoulder.

"Bro, have you seen 'Desperate Housewives'? Those women are sex-fiends!" Emmett is exclaiming loudly at Jasper, hardly paying attention to the road at all.

"I've never had sex with a human. Have you? Seems like it'd be like stapling jello."

"Nah, man. Too fragile and squishy. Like trying to sand a balloon."

"You guys need to shut up! This is a serious problem. I almost killed that girl!" They turn around to look at me as if they forgot I was there.

"Sorry, man." Emmett and Jasper look embarrassed for a second and then they start giggling. Story of my goddamn endless life.

Thankfully, we arrive at the house and I rush in to find Alice sitting at the kitchen table with Esme and Carlisle. Alice jumps up and immediately starts apologizing.

"Edward, I am so sorry. I didn't see it until Rose called you and then you didn't answer your phone!"

"Thank God nothing happened to that poor girl!" Esme looks alarmed by what happened and Carlisle is staying calm but has his arm around her shoulder.

"What happened?" I look at Alice and Carlisle. Carlisle clears his throat and gestures for me to take a seat.

"Well, it appears that Charlie Swan's daughter is your singer. You know what a singer is, right?" I nod slowly while hearing Emmett's mind wander back decades to a woman he encountered on a country road and before he knew it…

"Stop it, Emmett!" I glare at my brother who has replaced himself in his story with me. I am draining a limp Isabella Swan who's wearing an apron and a housedress and has clothespins falling from her hands to the ground.

"Sorry, buddy." Emmett's shoulders dip slightly. Carlisle looks at me with concern before continuing.

"A singer's blood calls to a specific vampire. I've never heard of anyone resisting their singer but if anyone could, Edward, it's you. She survived her encounter with you today."

"But only because Emmett and Jasper got to me in time. I've got to leave town." I look at Alice, hoping she has some insight into where I should go.

Alice is nodding slowly, her eyes fixed on a distant point. "I…I don't see you leaving, Edward. In fact, it wouldn't help. Once you encountered her you can't get the idea out of your head. It actually puts her in more danger if you leave than if you stay here and try to get acclimated to her scent."

"That's insane! I'm going to have to hang out in the same town as her trying not to kill her! What if I run into her by accident again?"

"If we coordinate we can come up with a plan to know where she is at all times. And we can get items of hers to expose you to her scent." Carlisle looks at Alice who nods.

"Yeah, I see that working. She has a pretty predictable schedule and we can alert Edward if it changes." I see an image come into her head. It's Isabella Swan sitting at a desk in…our office? I look at Alice incredulously. "A job? You're going to hire her?" She shakes her head.

"I don't know, I just see her working for us. I saw it before, maybe a week ago. That's why I had no idea she was going to be a problem."

"There's a big gap between keeping an eye on her so I can avoid her and giving her a job so I'm trapped in the office with her. There's got to be some workplace safety policy on that." I look around the table at my family. They are smiling at me.

"This is crazy! I almost killed a girl and now we're going to hire her?"

"It's not going to happen right away. It's a ways in the future." Alice looks at me reassuringly. "It's going to be OK, Edward. You're not going to hurt her."

"I'm glad you guys feel so good about this. I'm going to go hunt." I look at Rosalie. "You're going to have to get your own oil filter." I walk out followed by my brothers. I guess they don't trust that I'm not going to go back to town and eat Isabella Swan. I'm not sure I trust myself.

**a/n: Thanks for reading! I sent people who reviewed the first chapter teasers. Will I do it again? It's a mystery. Get it? I said "It's a mystery" and this is supposed to be a mystery…just, nevermind. JuJu**


	3. Subterfuge

**The Red Eye Chapter 3: Subterfuge **

**a/n: I don't own it, SM does. Also I don't know if I've mentioned the coolness that is EverlastingMuse, my beta. She's cool.**

So the problem with trying to avoid someone is that the effort you have to put into avoiding them means that you are actually hyper-aware of them because in order to avoid them you have to know where they are. It's the grown-up equivalent of saying, "I'm ignoring you!" All of the steps and precautions that it takes to stay away from Isabella Swan (Bella, I soon hear she prefers) make it so I am able to think of little else.

It's ironic because I know less about her than I've ever known about a teenage girl because I can't read her mind.

Which is another thing that makes me anxious about this whole thing. I can't read her mind. And in the last few weeks while my family has been keeping me apprised of her location I have been torn between my desire to stay away from her and my curiosity about why I couldn't hear anything from her. Was it just that I was so focused on biting her? Or is there something different about her mind?

What I do know about her is that she likes to read. Besides school and the grocery store the only other places she seems to go are the library and the used bookstore downtown. Emmett in particular is intrigued by how much she likes to read, I guess since he's never particularly mastered the skill himself. He has started telling me what books she's reading.

"E. M. Forster, Edward? A Passage to India? Isn't that about a gay guy? Maybe she's doing some research on you." Emmett walks into the office one afternoon about 2 weeks after their surveillance started. He opens up a plastic bag and pulls out a sweater. I am hit by the scent of her coming from the garment in his hand.

"What the hell, Em…" I say as he tosses the sweater at my head. It's clearly something she wore recently and my mouth fills with venom. I leave it on my desk where I had deflected it away from my head when I jumped out of my desk chair.

"It's to help you get desensitized to the smell." Alice walks in and throws herself onto my couch. Emmett sits down on the couch too while I glare at the green pile of cotton on my desk. "Come on, Edward. It'll help. I've seen it." I shoot a glance at Alice.

"What have you seen?" Clearly if she's seen me being able to resist Bella Swan's scent she's seen me closer to her. Which is someplace I have no intention of being.

"Well, I told you I saw her working for us. And I've seen other stuff." Alice won't make eye contact. I try to get a glimpse of what is in Alice's head but she's blocking me with particle physics.

"That's great, Alice. Being evasive right now is just what I need. Maybe you should keep lots of stuff from me and then I can just end up eating the Police Chief's daughter and ruining all our lives." I slump down in the corner, as far away from the green sweater as I can.

Alice and Emmett laugh. "Edward, it's not going to be like that. All I'm hiding is that Bella and I are going to be friends. I just assumed that you would over-react but since you are over-reacting anyway I may as well tell you."

I am feeling embarrassed and I get up and walk back over to my desk, eyeing the sweater. I lean up against my desk and look at Alice. "Friends? Do you think that's wise?"

"It will help us know where she is and to get a handle on the situation. Plus Emmett won't have to sneak into her room as much to steal clothes." She shoots him a dirty look and he cringes. Great. My brother has been looking in a teenage girl's underwear drawer.

"How are you going to do it? I mean, make friends with her?"

"Are you questioning my ability to make friends with another female? Just because you are socially incompetent doesn't mean I am." Alice inspects her nails. "Oh, and I don't know why you can't read her mind. But you definitely can't."

"Get out! Edward! You can't hear her?" Emmett is surprised and amused. I shake my head.

"Nothing. Either she has no thoughts or she's the first person I've ever met that I can't read. Either way, she's like my arch-enemy. She's my Moriarty."

My sister snorts. "You are such a drama queen. It's a good thing I'm getting a new best friend because you are ridiculous." She gets up and grabs her purse. "I've got stuff to do, Sherlock. Don't forget to get those photos of Mr. Banner and that girl who works at the gas station. They'll be in the parking lot of the school tonight."

Alice walks out, leaving me sitting forlornly in my desk. Emmett is looking at me and then he looks down at my hands and smirks. I look down to see Bella Swan's green sweater in my hands. I am clutching the sweater in one hand and stroking it with the other. If I could blush I would. The same holds true of dying of embarrassment.

Alice's plan to befriend Bella Swan works out smoothly, as you would expect, since she must have seen it ahead of time. Because Alice and Jasper are posing as high school seniors it's pretty easy for her to approach Bella.

Alice charms Bella into agreeing to exchange phone numbers. Chief Swan already knows my family because of the dealings we've had with him as well as Carlisle's work at the hospital. I can't say that I'm pleased about Alice's interference with the Swan girl, but there is little I can do.

Alice is able to sneak me items of hers to continue to get my used to the smell of her but she keeps pushing me to start being in proximity to her. She threatens to invite her over for dinner or have her stop by the office. Only with the most petulant of temper tantrums am I able to dissuade her. I'm not proud of acting that way but a girl's life is at stake here, right?

Alice and I are sitting in the office one day discussing surveillance on a client when she brings up her new favorite subject.

"So, I'm going to sleep over at Bella's on Friday. I think I'm going to give her a pedicure." Alice inspects her nails.

"Don't care, Alice. Just keep her away from me." I don't look up from the document I'm typing, a spreadsheet for office supplies. Emmett keeps borrowing the cleaning supplies and then the windows in here are filthy and I don't even know I'm out of Windex. Maddening!

"Edward, I think I should tell you that…"

I cut her off in frustration. "Why don't you use your powers of persuasion to get her to move back wherever she came from? She has a mother, right? Why doesn't she go back there?" Alice shakes her head.

"She's not going to go back to Phoenix. In fact, that's what I wanted to talk to you about…"

Right then Emmett rushes in with a weird, surprised look on his face. He has been spying on Bella at the library again and has run here in a most uncautious way.

"'What to Expect When You're Expecting'? What the fuck?" Emmett turns his face from Alice to me. "Edward, did you know you tried to kill a pregnant teenager?"

"Alice?" I look at her with astonishment. "Bella Swan's pregnant?"

"I was trying to tell you, Edward. You wouldn't let me finish." Alice goes back to inspecting her cuticles.

"How did this happen?"

Emmett laughs. "Well, Edward. Sometimes men _like_ to have sex with women…"

"Shut up, Emmett! That's not what I meant. Does Chief Swan know? She's not even eighteen, is she?"

"She just turned eighteen. I don't know if the Chief knows yet but obviously he will find out eventually. I don't know who the father is, my vision doesn't work in reverse." Alice looks at me curiously. "What's the big deal, Edward? You're not going to hurt her. None of us are."

"It's one thing to invite this girl into our lives, go to sleepovers and paint her toenails or whatever. It's another thing to get involved with a pregnant woman. That's two lives we are putting in danger by being involved with them."

"Edward, almost sixty years and you still don't trust me? I'm hurt." Alice gives me a pout and gets up. "I'm going to the drugstore to get some nail polish remover."

"Yeah, Edward, you're being a dick." Emmett gets up in imitation of Alice's angry flounce. "I'm going to steal all your scotch tape and go to work."

I shake my head as my siblings leave. After sixty years I do know Alice. I know she's going to be planning a baby shower. I try really hard to do my best "What would Philip Marlowe do?" but I doubt he ever had to deal with Alice, pregnant teenagers and office supply theft. This whole private detective thing is turning out way less glamorous than I thought it would be.

**a/n: **_**cringes.**_** So, I did it. I inserted the greatest overused fluff plot device ever, the Bella pregnancy. Hopefully you can trust me not to turn it into a squishy schmaltz-fest of lameness. Thank you to all my early-adopters, it's scary to get into a story this early so I appreciate your faith. I'm still in hyper-organized mode so reviews, even if they just say "!#" get a teaser. JuJu**


	4. Crime Scene

**a/n: Ownership of Twilight hasn't changed since we last spoke. Still not mine. EverlastingMuse, my beta, does own my eternal gratitude for putting up with my constant misspelling and grammatical crimes.**

_**Chapter 4: Crime Scene**_

I know I _said_ I liked mysteries, but not _this_ kind of mystery. I'm into the kind of mystery that happens in books or in the movies and is resolved easily. I like the satisfaction of solving a mystery by reading a person's mind or seeing one of Alice's visions. I am thrilled by the kind of mystery that you can solve with some surveillance or reading phone bills or snooping around in a person's desk.

This mystery, on the other hand, is not nearly as much fun. The locked safe of Bella Swan's brain is dangerous and frustrating. She's a delicious smelling human whose death would be a major inconvenience not to mention a personal moral low point and a definite political snafu. She evades logic; she's a studious, shy honor student who doesn't understand the mechanics of birth control? She's an enigma with a hooded "Forks High" sweatshirt and pre-natal vitamins and I am, in humiliating fashion, fascinated by her.

Fortunately, this whole "fascination from a distance" thing was working out OK, kind of like celebrity stalking, until Bella Swan made herself real for me, in startling fashion.

It was the Wednesday after her sleepover with Alice. I was doing my regular thing, you know, sitting at my desk, listening to jazz, sniffing one of Bella Swan's t-shirts, when I hear light footsteps on the stairs followed by a voice in the outer office.

"Hello? Alice? Mr. Cullen?" Who could sneak up on me like that? I hear people's thoughts for Christ's sake! Everyone's thoughts but...shit! It's her!

I jump up vampire-speed and slam the door to my office. I clench my fists and swear at my own awkwardness for a second before saying; "Yes? Can I help you?"

"Uh, Mr. Cullen? I'm sorry to bug you. It's Bella Swan. I'm friends with Alice? I was hoping Alice was around. I, uh, my truck won't start and I forgot to charge my stupid cell phone, of course, and I was hoping I could use your phone?" She sounded half apologetic, half puzzled by my bizarre door slamming.

"I'll meet you out front, Miss Swan. Give me a minute to wrap up this phone call." I knew she'd think I was weird meeting her outside but I couldn't risk being in the office with her.

I waited a minute to make sure she had left and then I glanced in the mirror in the bathroom. I tried to straighten my hair up a little but it just flopped back into its natural disheveled state. Taking a deep unnecessary breath I walked down the stairs. There was part of me that was really excited about finally meeting her. The crazy, masochistic part.

Bella Swan stood on the sidewalk a few doors down from our office in front of her decrepit red truck. She wore jeans and a sweatshirt and her long brown hair covered her face as she stared at her feet. She looked up as I walked out of the building.

"Miss Swan. Nice to finally meet you." I looked at her stomach to see if she was showing yet. Nothing.

She noticed my glance at her stomach and a slight frown appeared on her face and then disappeared as she smiled shyly in greeting.

"Yeah, uh, sorry to bother you, Mr. Cullen, but I was just hoping I could use your phone to call the guy who fixes my truck?"

"Call me Edward."

"Edward. Thanks." I handed her the cordless phone from my office and walked over to her truck. "Do you mind?" I gestured to the hood.

"Uh, no. Do you know anything about cars?" I walked to the cab to find the hood release and popped it.

"I know a little. My sister Rosalie is the mechanic in the family, though."

"Oh." She frowned at me again and then began dialing a number on the phone. I looked at the inner workings of her truck but couldn't see anything obvious. As if one of my vampire powers was some kind of truck repair super-sense.

I was finding Bella's scent tempting but manageable outside; strangely I found myself more intrigued by her actions than her blood. It was surreal and a little bit unnerving to finally interact with this creature whose avoidance I had been obsessed with.

"Hey, Jacob?...This is Bella. My truck isn't starting and I was hoping you could help me out again?" I heard her talking and found myself wishing I had pushed harder to have Rosalie help her. Peculiarly, I wanted to be the one taking care of her. Apparently, pregnant women arouse my protective/controlling side.

She finished her phone call and walked over to me

"Thanks. I just have to wait for the tow truck." She handed me back the phone. I took it from her hand while maintaining my five-foot distance by stretching out my arm. Like a freak.

"I'll wait with you," I said. She frowned again slightly. 'You don't have to do that, um, Edward. I'm sure you have work to do. And Forks is pretty safe, you know." She laughed nervously.

"It's not a problem." I looked at her stomach again, trying to figure out how far along she was. She frowned at me again and I looked away. I couldn't think of anything to say to her. She didn't seem as affected by my appearance as other humans. She was neither afraid of me nor did she seem attracted to me.

"So, you're a private detective?" She was the one who broke the silence.

"Yeah," was my brilliant response. Scintilating, Cullen.

"So do you have a trenchcoat and a fedora? Isn't that standard for a private detective? How about a drinking problem?" She blushed slightly at this last. "I mean, I shouldn't…"

"It's OK," I reassured her. "I don't have a problem with alcohol but my brother _does_ own a bar." It's true. Emmett owns a bar in town. He named it "Liquid Diet". We are a clever lot, we Cullens.

"I have a trenchcoat and fedora, too. They're up in the office." I smile at her. Then I run out of things to say. I just stare at her trying to read her mind. Which I still totally cannot do, by the way.

"Alice says she helps you out? What kind of stuff do you guys do?"

"Mostly little stuff. Missing pets, cheating husbands." I look at her as she scans the road for her tow truck. She seemed uncomfortable. She also seemed cold; she was rubbing her upper arms. All of a sudden I was struck by how pretty she was. It wasn't often that I thought of a human woman that way but she was. Her eyes were large and dark as they peeked out from behind her thick brown hair. The contrast of her pale skin and the faint rose of her cheeks was really lovely. Her lips had a faint pout; the delicacy of her features reminded me of another time, perhaps when I was still alive. She had what had been called a "rosebud" mouth in my time; I could imagine her with her hair piled atop her head in a high-necked blouse in a sepia portrait from a century ago.

I was brought back to reality by the honking of a horn and I realized that I had ignored the signs of her discomfort from the cold and had been staring at her for longer than was socially acceptable. And, just in case that wasn't bad enough, the tow truck that was pulling up behind her vehicle was being driven by a fucking wolf. Great.

**a/n: OK, so bear with me while I have this bizarre moral crisis. I try not to base my self-worth as a writer on the number of reviews I get (which is great, since my first story got like 4 reviews) so I kind of feel like a review-whore exchanging them for teasers. So, here's the deal: You do not have to review to get the teaser. I will still send them out if you do review but I will also post them on my blog on Monday/Tuesday. Deal? That way you can still respect me in the morning. Thanks! JuJu**


	5. Red Herring

**a/n: Let me take this opportunity to mention that I own neither "Twilight" nor "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". Also, that EverlastingMuse is made of awesome.**

The Red Eye chapter 5: Red Herring

To add to Bella Swan's total inappropriateness she also apparently has a werewolf for a mechanic. The tow truck that pulled up behind her truck was a battered, yellow mess with a faded decal on the side that said "La Push Garage". It was being driven by a man in his 20's and in the passenger seat was a teenage boy. They were Quileute and they were pissed to see me.

I should explain that the local reservation was part of a tribe that was rumored to be descended from wolves. I don't know about the ancestry part but they were definitely shape-shifters. The gene that made their young men turn into werewolves was evidently activated by exposure to vampires. So we move to Forks, they sprout fur. You can see why Bella's choice of mechanic might be a bit tricky for me.

The werewolves consider themselves to be our natural enemy and although my family has a treaty with them they still don't really like us around. We stayed out of each other's way for the most part, but this was about to get awkward. There was no way that I was into letting Bella hang around with teenage werewolves. They are way too volatile, for one thing. Also, they stink.

I stood on the sidewalk, returning the glare of the older man while the teenage one jumped out of the truck and ran over to Bella.

"Bella, are you alright?" Teen-wolf gave me a glare as he hovered over her. I gave him my best "I'm a hundred years older than you" arrogant look. The other smelly one began hooking Bella's truck up to the tow truck.

"Yeah, Jacob. Have you met Edward Cullen?" She gestures politely to me, ignoring or oblivious to our supernatural glare-fest. "Edward let me use his phone."

"We've never met, no." I don't want to shake his paw so I give him nod from my comfortable distance. "A pleasure, Jacob." I chose not to mention his resemblance to his grandfather. Who I met in the 1930's. I amuse myself by imagining Jacob dancing the Charleston to "Yes, We Have No Bananas."

"How do you know Edward?" The other hairball has walked over at this point.

"Sam, this is Edward Cullen. Have you met?" Sam looks at me with suspicion and shakes his head. "No, but his reputation precedes him. How do you know each other?"

"Alice is a friend of mine. When my truck wouldn't start and my cell phone was dead, Edward was kind enough to help me." Bella is starting to pick up on the animosity between the animals and I. She is watching them carefully. They are too busy trying to intimidate me by flexing their muscles and sneering at me. Typical wolves. I hate them.

"Generous," Sam says with a sneer. "Let's go Bella, we'll drop you off." I am not thrilled by them dropping her off but I can't risk offering her a ride. I'm afraid being trapped in my Volvo with her might just be pushing my luck. I wish Alice was here to give her a ride. I realize that I could play this to my advantage by being the magnanimous one.

"Thank you so much for your help, Jacob, Sam." I nod to the two of them, to their surprise. Bella turns to me with a small smile. "Thank you for your help, Edward. Tell Alice I said 'Hi', OK?" She grabbed her backpack from the cab of the truck and squished into the tow truck with the wolves while I watched, my best fake smile pasted on, suppressing a growl.

I gave a last casual wave and walked back up to the office. I was somewhat heartened by the fact that I didn't eat her, while I was frustrated by finding out that she consorted with werewolves.

Which, if I were in my right mind would not be disconcerting. The werewolf thing could work to my advantage if I couldn't control myself with her. They would have been thrilled to protect her from me. So my displeasure at her fuzzy pals was illogical.

I was getting nowhere with my thoughts so I picked up the mystery novel Esme had gotten me. About this Swedish journalist. It was pretty good except that the guy was kind of promiscuous. Seriously, the guy slept with like 3 different women before the book was halfway over. And he was completely indiscriminate, too. Older women, younger women, whatever. Who would have guessed it about the Swedes, huh?

Overall, I was feeling pretty successful after my non-lethal interaction with Bella Swan. Until she talked to my sister the next day at lunch.

So I'm feeling like quite the social success until Alice walks into the office the next afternoon. I can tell from the look on her face and the tenor of her thoughts that some fun is about to be had. I suspect it will be at my expense. The only thing I can be thankful for is that Emmett isn't here. Alice smirks at me.

"Oh, I called him. He'll be here in a minute. Plus he's out of receipt tape at the bar." Whoever's idea it was to turn Emmett into a vampire so he could steal from me for eternity is going to pay.

"I got stuff to do. Important vampire stuff." I grab my keys and start to walk out the door to escape the "trash Edward" party but Emmett chooses that moment to block my office door with his bulky ass and Alice says: "I talked to Bella Swan today."

I sit back down at my desk, feigning nonchalance. "Oh? Did she mention that she came by yesterday and I didn't eat her?"

"She mentioned that she came by yesterday and met you." Alice grins at me and blocks her evil little thoughts with a Beach Boys song in Arabic. Have I mentioned that I hate the Beach Boys?

"Yeah, what's she think of our boy detective?" Emmett is filling his pockets from the supply cabinet.

"Emmett, not those pens! Those are like three dollars each! Your skuzzy bar patrons are just going to steal them." I look back at Alice. I don't want to have to press her for information. I won't ask. I won't.

"What did she say?" Ok, I did it. Alice smiles.

"Well, I had to mention it to her. I guess she wasn't going to tell me. She said she was concerned that she had…bothered you." I am trying to figure out what she's implying as she says this with a smirk. Then I see the conversation she had with Bella and cringe.

"What? What did I miss? What?" Emmett is looking between the two of us curiously. Thank God he can't read minds.

"Bella thought Eddie was spanking the monkey," Jasper says as he walks in, placing a kiss on his wife's cheek. She gives him a swipe. "Jasper! Don't embarrass him!"

Too late. Emmett roars with laughter. "Edward? She thought he was mangling the midget?" Jasper and Emmett are laughing so hard I'm concerned for the state of my couch. Esme got me that couch in Italy.

"Funny, guys, funny." I glare at Alice. She shrugs her shoulders.

"What? You slammed the door when she came up the stairs. What was she supposed to think? Plus, she didn't say it so much as imply it."

"Did you imply back to her that I did it so I wouldn't be tempted to drink her snotty teenage blood?" I sneer at Alice. She shakes her head at me.

"Of course not, I said that you probably had a lot of confidential files out."

"Not to mention some of her clothes," Emmett says and he and Jasper crack up again. I wave my hand dismissively at all of them and grab my keys to go out again.

"She said she thought you were handsome." Alice's voice stops me in my tracks. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care…

"Yeah?" I say, turning around. And then I hear the other word that Alice doesn't repeat. I can see Bella Swan in my sister's head, blushing as she says "handsome but…weird." I nod at Alice. "Thanks, Alice."

"So I think that I should have Bella over. You know, like a sleepover or something." To my brothers' credit, both of them look at her like she just suggested inviting a human with really appetizing blood over to a house full of vampires for a sleepover. Which she just did. Hence their shocked expressions.

"Alice, I don't know…" Jasper is trying to dissuade her without getting himself in trouble with the person who has sex with him.

"Seems kinda risky, Alice. I mean, what if Wardo eats her?"

"Thank you, Emmett." I give him a pleased look. "Smartest thing you ever said. But don't call me 'Wardo', please."

"He won't because you guys will keep an eye on him." Alice nods at Jasper and Emmett.

"I don't know, Alice. Rosie won't like it." Emmett only fears one thing in this world. Rosalie won't like it. The only thing that Rosalie likes less than new people being around is new human female people being around.

"That's a great point, Emmett." I look at Alice nodding vigorously. "Did you hear what Emmett said, Alice? Rosalie is going to be angry if you bring a human girl over for a sleepover."

"Well, it's just that her dad's going to be out of town for the weekend and I don't want her to get lonely."

"She's knocked up at 17, Alice. If you ask me, she probably could have used a little more 'alone time'." Alice glared at me.

"Yeah, she tell you who knocked her up, Alice?" Emmett was amusing himself by rolling receipt tape across the floor and then catching it as it rolled back. I contemplated giving him a ball of yarn.

"No. I'm trying to respect her privacy. She hasn't even told me about the pregnancy yet." I see a vision in Alice's head of her and Bella in Port Angeles at a book store. "I guess were just going to do something on Friday afternoon."

"Thank you, Alice." I look in her eyes as I thank her so she can see how sincere I am. She smiles at me slyly. It makes me nervous but I really do have stuff to do so I pick up my keys again and say goodbye to my siblings.

Emmett cuffs me on the shoulder as I walk out and shouts at me: "Hey, Eddie. Don't worry. We'll tell your girlfriend that the last time you wrestled the gator was to a photo of Mary Pickford, ok?"

**a/n: I used this thorough and excellent website: ****www (dot) WorldWideWank (dot) com/synonyms2 (dot) html**** (remove my (dots) and spaces) for the euphemisms for masturbation. Happy Holidays and stuff! JuJu**


	6. Set Up

**a/n: EverlastingMuse is my sparkling apple cider on New Year's Eve.**

**Chapter 6: Set Up**

I have to admit, despite the ribbing I took from my siblings and the fact that Bella thinks I'm weird, I am still feeling like I'm getting this whole "not killing the chief's daughter" thing under control. Which is great because I've been spending a near obsessive amount of time worrying about it and not nearly enough time drumming up business.

Not that Alice and I need the money. Living for decades or centuries, not needing to eat or worry about medical bills and the like and living with a psychic and a mind reader, we are pretty well off. But I want our agency to have a good reputation, even if all we can take are small-time cases like missing pets and wandering spouses.

I am talking with a divorce attorney I know from Seattle about a potential case when Alice runs in and hands me a set of keys. It is the afternoon of her play date with Bella, and I look around her in fear that the appetizing Miss Swan is going to follow her up the stairs.

"Can you drop Bella's truck off at her Dad's?" Alice asks me and I nod, still listening to the lawyer drone on about the case. I am immensely grateful that they are not taking Bella's deathtrap to Port Angeles.

When I finally get off the phone, wanting to scrub my ears with bleach after hearing what the divorce lawyer said about his client's soon-to-be ex-wife, I go downstairs and get into Bella's truck. It is strangely satisfying to be surrounded by her scent without her actual presence there to endanger her. I drive slowly, inhaling her and taking the time to steal one of her gloves so I have something to smell later. Purely for safety purposes, of course.

I park the truck outside Chief Swan's and walk up the drive to give the keys to her dad. Unfortunately, I was so busy wafting in on Bella's heavenly scent that I failed to notice the distinct aroma of rotten dog coming out of the little house.

Until it hit me as the Chief opened the door, that is. Then I was faced with the stoic mustachioed face of Fork's finest along with the deadly glare of two of La Push's smelliest. Chief Swan was watching ESPN with a werewolf and a might-as-well-be-one-for-the-way-he-was-glaring-at-me.

And here I was, whistling my way up the path without a care in the world, twirling her keys around my finger with one of her little knit gloves in my pocket, paying no attention to the mongrels in the house. Sucker.

"Mr. Cullen." Chief Swan greets me. I think I hear a growl from behind him.

"Chief Swan, I apologize for disturbing you. My sister and your daughter went to Port Angeles together and she asked me to bring Bella's truck by." I hold out the keys to him. I can hear the thoughts of the mutts behind him. They are less than thrilled by Bella's choice of friends. I tend to agree.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen. I wasn't aware that Bella knew your sister." Charlie's mind is not as silent as Bella's but it's quiet. All I can hear is slight confusion but no specific words or pictures. The wolves, on the other hand, are having some pretty specific thoughts about my family and our viability as campfire logs.

"Yes, Sir, I believe they have become friends." I don't bother with responding to the wolves threats. It's not like they'd do anything in front of Charlie, anyway. "I won't disturb you further, Sir. Have a good evening." With that I turn and walk back down to the street and walk the few blocks to my office. Where I take the time to sniff her glove. In the most non-creepy way possible.

I am contemplating whether I want to listen to Coltrane or Monk when Carlisle comes into my room the next day. I can see that something's up; he's got wolves on the brain.

"What now? It's not time for the Westminster Dog Show again?" He shakes his head somberly.

"The tribe has asked to meet with us at a neutral location tonight. I gather it has something to do with Chief Swan's daughter?" We haven't necessarily been 100% transparent with Carlisle about how much Alice has been getting involved with Bella. What started out as a mere surveillance project to protect her from me has turned into the first friendship Alice has ever had outside the family.

"I should have foreseen it, Carlisle. I've run across the wolves a few times lately. I imagine they're worried about her." Thinking about it, I can't really blame them.

We meet up with several members of the tribe that evening. Since they appear in their human forms and are not thinking about immolating us we stay pretty calm as well.

"It's been brought to our attention that some members of your family have befriended Isabella Swan." The man who spoke to us was not the man I'd seen last night in a wheelchair at Chief Swan's house but another of the older men in the tribe, Harry Clearwater. The young man, Sam, who had been driving the tow-truck stood next to him, staring me down as Harry spoke to Carlisle.

"My children mean no harm to Miss Swan. We do not feed from humans and we would not accompany her places in public if we intended to do so. To do so would draw unnecessary attention to us."

"I understand your family has a different diet than most of your kind but Isabella has ties to the tribe and it concerns us when she associates with any dangerous creatures." I want to interrupt at this point, feeling that the wolves themselves are just as dangerous but I am forced to remember my thirst for Bella's blood which, while certainly less now, is still a danger to her.

"I appreciate your concern. How would you have us proceed?" Harry looks at the young man next to him and nods.

"We will protect Bella." Sam is speaking to Carlisle but looking at me. "We will patrol her home and protect her as one of our own. You have helped her and we thank you for that but we can take over now. It will be safer that way." Alice utters a little cry and Jasper slips his arm around her. Carlisle looks at her and then at me. He is going to make me make this decision. I am torn between what I want and what I know is the right thing to do. After a long pause I nod at him. I hate to admit it but really the wolves are the best ones to protect her, especially from me.

Carlisle looks at Alice and murmurs an apology to her. He turns back to Sam and Harry. "Very well. We will maintain our distance from Miss Swan." He shakes hands with them although they wince at his touch.

We turn to return home solemnly with the exception of Rosalie, who really just doesn't care. When we get to the house Alice finally looks at me with a look of deep sadness and hurt. "How could you?" she says quietly. I open my mouth to explain how I am doing the noble thing, the safe thing, the right thing. Nothing comes out and I turn from her look of anguish and go upstairs to my room and back to my empty life.

**a/n: I should be back on schedule this Sunday, my apologies for the delay. Teasers will go out Wednesday.**

**I have a Christmas surprise for you! ****http: / bit**** (dot) ly / fNpUc1 (remove my spaces and (dot)s). It is an interpretation of Neil Gaiman's "Nicholas" from a collection of short stories, "Smoke and Mirrors." This book also contains the short story, "Only The End Of The World Again," which inspired this story. Enjoy! JuJu**


	7. Protection Racket

**a/n: I totally do not own "Twilight" or it's characters. I do, however, have a cat with a plastic cone around his neck as well as an awesome beta, EverlastingMuse.**

**The Red Eye ch 7 Protection Racket**

We miss Bella Swan. I refuse to admit it out loud but I'm sure that Jasper can feel it. I know he can feel the effects of our exile from her life in Alice. Alice is simply not herself, Christmas is a shadow of its former glory and my sister spends more time than usual looking off into the distance. It turns out the wolves block my sister's visions so she can't even tell what's happening with Bella. I feel bad for her but have to remind myself daily that we are doing the safest thing for Bella by staying away.

This is small comfort when we hear that Bella has taken a job at Newton's sporting goods. I know that Alice and I both look at the empty reception desk and picture her there. I am especially alarmed because I have heard the thoughts in Michael Newton's puny head and they are not very respectful to women.

It's downright painful when, after a few more months, Bella's growing stomach is detected by some observant teenage girls and her pregnancy becomes the talk of Forks. Chief Swan remains taciturn but I can read the concern in his head and Alice's stolen glimpses of Bella at school show her somewhat isolated from the other students. She hasn't exactly been ostracized but there is a malicious edge to the interest many of the students show her. A few kind students remain friends with her but I can tell from Jasper's head that she is uncomfortable. I know that Alice wants to be able to be her friend, protect her from the stares and the teasing, but won't defy Carlisle. And I know she blames me for agreeing to this.

After about a month of this I start doing surveillance on their surveillance, just to make sure they were doing a good job. I have to be really careful that they wouldn't detect me anywhere near them or make sure it was someplace I had good reason to be.

Which is why, three months after the agreement, Emmett and I found ourselves going to Newton's Sporting Goods.

Let me explain, just so I don't sound like more of a stalker than I already am, we are regular customers of Newton's. Our frequent "camping trips", a necessity to explain why my siblings miss so much school and to facilitate our al fresco dining preferences, mean that, even if we're not going to use them, we need to shop for tents, sleeping bags, tent stakes and the like on a regular basis. We even buy that creepy freeze-dried food, although it is the only thing less appetizing than fresh human food, and usually Emmett and I end up throwing it at each other.

So a trip to Newton's was totally justified and, since we had been staying away from Bella, there was no way for me to know that she always worked until 9 pm on Wednesdays.

At least that's what I told the two teenage boys hanging out outside Newton's.

"Besides, we have an illusion to maintain among the humans. Surely you understand. I mean, you probably have to buy a lot of dog food and flea collars so you tell everyone you have lots of pets, right?" One of the furry teenagers growls at me while the other one just kind of looks at me curiously, wondering why my family and I were having anything to do with Chief Swan's daughter. Then he's thinking: "Thank God they don't know what happened to Emily."

Before I can stop myself I'm asking him, "What happened to Emily?" Emmett looks at me curiously before saying: "Yeah, what happened to Emily?" and looking menacingly at the boy.

The boy gets a picture of a young woman, clearly from the reservation, with several deep scars on one side of her face. I swear, they're animals. Literally. One minute your talking to some smelly guy, the next minute you've got a wolf the size of a Ford Taurus breathing down your neck.

"Seth, you don't have to tell these over-grown mosquitoes anything," the older boy says. Seth thinks about how angry I look and is grateful that I don't know about Jacob phasing in front of her.

At which point I blow up.

It isn't easy to convince Carlisle to go to the local kennel/reservation and convince them that we should be on Bella duty from now on. We encounter a bit of a diplomatic crisis, our own little Forks "Bay of Pigs". Fortunately, Alice and I have Jasper and Emmett on our side. Jasper is game because he wants to see Alice happy and she hasn't been happy since she had to cut off communication with Bella. Emmett jumps on the bandwagon because he thinks that life is a lot more amusing with Bella around.

Esme even comes down on our side because she thinks that I have a romantic interest in Bella. Ha! As if! I laugh loudly at her just to show her how ridiculous she's being.

Anyway, we are able to convince Carlisle to try to convince the pack that we are better Bella-sitters than they are. He makes a smart call when he insists that I stay at home while he talks with them because I can be kind of a dick about this stuff. They aren't exactly eager to do this but after reminding us about the terms of the treaty they reluctantly agree to let us hang out with her again. According to the agreement we are supposed to share her which I can see being a little hard. It's been a century since I was in kindergarten. I don't share very well.

Without an actual threat (beside the usual vampires and werewolves, of course) we don't really have an excuse to lurk around Bella but Alice was relieved to be able to hang out with her again and Emmett picked up his surveillance duties eagerly.

I'm getting prepared to do all that sweater-sniffing all over again so that I can be around her when Alice lets me know that she's coming over after school.

"I thought you might want to be around, you know, make sure she's ok and everything." Alice calls me from school to let me know.

"It doesn't seem very safe. I haven't been close to her in three months. All my acclimation is worn off." I want her to talk me into it.

"Practically the whole family will be there, Edward. Anyway, it's safe, I haven't seen anything."

I agree to be in the house but not in the same room, mostly out of curiosity, and leave the office early. Predictably, Emmett is thrilled to finally meet her.

I decide to hang out in my room and eavesdrop on their conversation. Esme is so excited about having her over she's decided to make appetizers and even Rosalie has started to take some interest in Bella. She and Emmett are hanging out in the kitchen listening to Bella and Alice talk.

I end up having to creep down the stairs because without the ability to hear her thoughts and the talking of my family it's hard to hear her voice.

I quickly realize that things are tense, however.

"I understand that you were just doing what you were supposed to, but it hurt my feelings to have you just ignore me like that, Alice. Especially when the whole school found out about…" In Alice's head I see Bella gesture to her stomach. While I wouldn't say she's enormous or anything she is clearly about six months along and her stomach looks pretty big compared to the rest of her tiny frame.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I wish I could explain. I really want to be your friend and I'm sorry that I abandoned you when you needed one." Alice is getting pretty upset and Jasper is trying to calm her down from in the next room.

"Just so you know, I know about all the…blood drinking and wolves and stuff." WHAT! The thoughts of my whole family blend in with mine. I clutch the banister of the staircase while Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and Jasper all rush into the living room.

"What are you talking about?" Alice is trying to play it off but the fact that my entire family has rushed into the room kind of makes it a meaningless gesture.

"I don't have a problem, Alice. In fact it kind of explains why your brother is such a freak." Emmett laughs and Alice whispers to Bella, "You know, he can hear you." I hear a "Sorry, Edward!" from Bella and decide that there's no point in me hiding on the stairs anymore.

"It's ok," I say, walking into the living room. She smiles at me hesitantly, obviously embarrassed that she called me a freak.

"I know it's supposed to be this big secret but once I saw Jacob turn into an enormous wolf I guess the vampire thing was easier to accept." Bella seems pretty calm.

"They told you?" Jasper asks her.

"Well, Jacob did. He felt pretty bad about turning into a big, hairy dog in front of me so he started telling me how it's all your guys' fault anyway. Speaking of which, how many of you are there?" We all realize that we have been standing around the living room staring at her.

"Well, you know Edward and Jasper." Alice begins introducing Esme, Emmett and Rosalie and we take seats on the couch.

"You have to know that it's very dangerous for you to know about us." Jasper looks at Bella with concern.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, like anyone in this town talks to me anyway." We look at her with surprise and she points to her belly again. "I'm kind of wearing a big scarlet "P" on my chest. I'm not really seen as a good influence on teenage girls."

"That's ok, I'm not really a teenager." Alice laughs.

"Eddie is though. You probably want to stay away from him." Emmett grins and I give him a glare.

"Yeah, maybe you want to pass that on to him. I saw you outside my work twice last week." She looks at me suspiciously. I wish I could read her mind. No wonder she thinks I'm a freak, though. I try to think of possible explanations for my presence in front of her work. I got nothing.

"Small town," I say, shrugging my shoulders. Nice cover, Cullen.

**a/n: Thanks for all the awesome reviews! I think that that was actually the last bit of angst for this entire story. I actually have an angsty, dark story that I'm working on that I put all of my bad things into. You could put me on Author Alert if you're into that kind of unpleasantness. JuJu**


	8. Rear Window

**a/n: I don't own it. If I did there might have been less stalking. But since there was, I'm going with it. EverlastingMuse betaed it but the content is my fault.**

**Rear Window**

I don't know if Alice knew what she was doing when she told me that Chief Swan was going to be out of town this weekend. I found myself…worrying about her. Despite the fact that I was probably the biggest danger to her in town I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that could possibly happen to a pregnant teenager left alone all weekend. She could fall and hurt her head, she could miscarry, she could be attacked by hobos. My imagination knew no bounds when it came to coming up with creative misfortunes that could befall her. Not once did her getting eaten by a moody, normally vegetarian vampire/private detective occur to me.

I obsessed on it all week before deciding that I could keep an eye on her without getting close enough to be tempted by her/creeping her out. I had no idea where this desire to protect her was coming from. I still had moments when I cursed her existence because of the anxiety it caused me. But since she did exist and Alice insisted that she could not be convinced to go away I felt obliged to protect her. I have no idea why. I was getting kind of obsessed.

Alice knew what I was doing as I slipped out of the house to go to Bella Swan's on Saturday afternoon. I could see the image of me in my sister's head, crouching in a tree outside the Swan house, fixated on an upstairs window.

I looked at her warily, not knowing how she would respond. But my sister only gave me an imperceptibly slight nod and went back to her conversation with our mom.

I lurked in the woods behind Bella Swan's house until dark and then I moved to the tree outside her bedroom window. At least I assumed that it was hers as the Chief didn't seem the purple bedspread type. She had stayed in the house all afternoon, doing homework, cleaning, cooking some pasta and eating it at the kitchen table while she read "The English Patient". I could hear the sound of her steady heartbeat and her barefoot steps moving around the house. I strained to hear the second heartbeat. I wondered when she was due; and how this had happened to her.

Around ten o'clock she went to bed, reading for a while before turning out the light next to her bed. I had found it surprisingly interesting watching her read, her face changed expression in an intriguing way as she responded to what she was reading. This was a response I couldn't recall having had to any creature before. I was fascinated.

As she switched out the light next to her bed she gave a sigh. She was quiet for a few minutes and then I was appalled and embarrassed to hear soft sobs coming from her through the window. I wanted to leave to give her some privacy, I wanted to stay to protect her.

Grotesquely, I wanted to comfort her. How exactly would I do that? Would I knock on the door, greet her casually? "Hi, It's me, Edward the Weirdo. I heard you crying and assume it's because you're going to have to get your prom dress in the maternity department. Would you like a hug? Oh, wait, I can't hug you because I might not be able to resist drinking your blood."

Not such a hot plan, Cullen.

Then I remembered Alice and before I could get my phone out it buzzed with a message from Alice. **Don't worry. I got this.**

A phone rang in the Swan house and Bella's light went on and she dragged herself out of bed. She found her cell phone and answered it.

"Hey, Alice….no, it's not too late. I'm glad you called." Bella sat on the edge of her bed and spoke to Alice for a few minutes about trivial things. Still, it seemed to cheer her up and by the time she got off the phone and turned the light back on she was able to fall asleep quickly without any more tears.

I watched her sleep through the window for the rest of the night. I could smell her faintly but I had become used to it enough in the past months to not feel tempted with the glass and ten feet between us. Watching her felt pretty stalkerish but it also felt peaceful. The silence of her mind and the soothing sounds of her heartbeat and regular breathing were enjoyable. She was incredibly beautiful as she slept; her dark curls spread out on her pillow, her lips parted slightly and her dark lashes feathery against the paleness of her skin. I grimaced as I realized that I would no longer have a good excuse to do this once her father returned.

It was a disorienting feeling to discover yourself hooked on watching a teenage girl sleep in addition to your other creepy habits, like drinking blood, not sleeping and reading minds.

My new hobby seemed like something Emmett would have a field day with. I have to keep him from knowing. Especially since I didn't think I wanted to stop.

I think I could have gone on forever the way things were. Working in my office during the day, reading my mystery novels at lunch, hunting in the evening before watching the local pregnant teenager sleep at night. We all have our routines, especially lonely, single vampires.

I could have continued to hold Bella Swan in high esteem for the silence of her mind and her pre-Raphaelite beauty while assuming that, were things different, she would hold me in equal esteem. She would have appreciated my love of reading, the many languages I spoke and my dedication to my family. We could have held hands while walking through downtown Forks. She could lay her head in my lap while we read the Sunday paper, she would have been impressed that I could complete the New York Times crossword puzzle in 30 seconds, in pen no less. I would have read her baby's mind to tell her how it felt. She would offer to name it after me, regardless of sex (Edwina Swan? Edwina Cullen?). Before I knew it I had gone from wincing when her name was mentioned to picking out china patterns. Not that I ate.

I had actually developed an interesting fantasy relationship for the two of us before I even realized how idiotic I was being. I spend 90 years of immortality having zero interest in women and all of a sudden I'm daydreaming about a pregnant teenager whose blood I want to drink? I wondered if it was the equivalent of a wine connoisseur admiring the provenance and label of an especially prized bottle of wine. But then when I imagined drinking her blood it was no longer with relish but with dread and sadness. As Emmett would say; "WTF?"

In a fit of masochism I decided to make a list of all the reasons that I was being ludicrous in my fixation on Bella Swan. I got out all my colors of dry erase marker so that I could color code my list of objections. The white board in the office boasted a list entitled "Reasons why I need to stay away from Bella Swan"

I wanted to eat her.

I could potentially want to eat her baby.

I lived with other vampires who could potentially want to eat her.

I was a soulless, immortal monster.

I had a body that was slightly below ambient temperature.

I belonged to a species that wanted to eat her.

I was a virgin; she clearly had experience.

I could hurt her if I wasn't careful.

I was a stalker.

She had little or no interest in me.

I was 90 years older than her.

I lived with Emmett, who was an idiot.

I could go on but what would be the point? It was pathetic. Unfortunately, I left my list up too long and Emmett saw it, doubtless when he was stealing hand sanitizer from the office supply cabinet and I had to give him free access to our supplies for a month in exchange for his silence.

So you can imagine my frustration when I heard that she was going to prom with Mike Newton. I mean, I know that I couldn't reasonably prevent her from going to her prom. That kind of thing was important to humans. And Alice. And it's not like she would want to go with me, the slightly creepy, ostensibly 20 year-old local private detective. But it didn't mean that I wasn't jealous.

Reveling in her first friendship outside the family, of course Alice and Bella got ready together at our house. And, of course I had to lurk around like a creep. Pretending to be utterly disinterested in seeing how she looked in her voluminous prom dress.

In case you're wondering; she looked beautiful.

Alice had outdone herself. She had Bella in a midnight blue, high-waisted dress which really minimized the fact that she was six months pregnant and made the most of her pale skin and dark hair. The nice thing about infallible vampire memories is you can look once and hold onto the image as if you were staring.

Ok, I might have stared a little bit too. Subtly.

Thankfully, Mike Newton didn't pick Bella up at our house but met them at a restaurant in Port Angeles instead.

I exercised the restraint necessary to not follow them because my sister and brother were with them ensuring a) she was safe and b) they would know about it and mock me if I did.

I stayed at home, playing my piano and making conversation like a non-stalker until Alice and Jasper arrived home at 10:03 pm.

At which point I wigged out.

"Where's Bella? Did you leave her there with that teenage pervert?"


	9. Dizzy with a Dame

**a/n: EverlastingMuse is my excellent beta. Neither of us own Twilight.**

**Chapter 9: Dizzy with a Dame**

I'm sure my family would think I was being overly protective of Bella but they haven't had to peek into the minds of thousands of teenage boys, including the particularly repugnant teenage boy in question.

I drive the Volvo at an unsafe speed into town and walk around campus to the romantic Forks gymnasium. I decide that parking in the front makes me more incognito. It's hard to identify her scent in the swirl of perfume, shoe polish, hairspray and smuggled booze.

But I can see Bella's beautiful face in Mike Newton's filthy mind and I track them to his car, which is parked in the back parking lot. I try to move at an acceptable speed but it's difficult when I see that Bella is uncomfortable.

"You know, Mike, I really don't feel that way about you. Do you mind taking me home?" She is trying to be polite but I can see the discomfort on her face.

"Come on, Bella, just a kiss? It's not like I'm gonna get you pregnant." Mike laughs at his own joke. "Seriously, you owe me. Who else were you gonna get to take you to prom?"

I reach Mike's car and without a thought to appearances or propriety, I pull open his door and drag him out by the collar. I have him several inches off the ground and am growling in his terrified face.

"I could hear her saying 'no' from across the parking lot, Newton." It comes out in a growl. "You have a problem with your hearing?" Mike Newton is too scared to even respond. At least verbally. He does, however, wet himself and shake. Which tells me he got the message.

By which point Bella has gotten out of the car and come around to the driver side. And she's screaming at me. At me?

"Goddammit, Cullen, let him go! Are you crazy?" I lower Mike back to the ground and turn to look at her. She is furious, her nostrils flared and if she shot lasers out of her eyes I'd be a dead man. Well, an already dead man with serious laser burns.

"Get out of here, Mike," she says to Newton, barely even looking at him. He shakily gets into his car while Bella and I glare at each other. He only drops the keys three times before getting them into the ignition and driving off.

When he's gone she shakes her head at me disdainfully. "Jesus, Cullen, stalk much?" She looks beautiful, even pissed off at me.

"Oh, did you want me to leave you there with Newton and his…hands?" I can't believe she has no gratitude for my saving her from him.

"I know how to say 'no,'" she snaps at me. "Really?" I ask, lifting an eyebrow at her and glancing at her stomach. She almost laughs but then she looks around the parking lot.

"Where's your car? You didn't turn into a bat and fly here did you?" She looks at me with fake horror before rolling her eyes at me and starting to walk away.

"Bella, wait!" She stops and turns but comes no closer. "You're not going to walk home? My car's in front." I gesture towards the front of the school.

"You think I'm getting in a car with you?" Point taken.

"Let me walk with you." She looks at me for a minute. "Come on, Bella. If anything happens to you the wolves are gonna blame us whether we are involved or not."

"Ok, but don't talk to me. I'm hungry and crabby." She turns and starts walking again and I catch up to her.

We walk for a few minutes and then she says, "So is that why you keep showing up?"

"Yep," I lie.

"Well, I guess I'm sorry for accusing you of stalking me or whatever." She looks a little bit embarrassed. I could tell her that she's totally right but I don't. Don't judge me.

"Well, I guess I'm going to have to find a new job," she says.

"Really? Why don't I just apologize to Newton for making him…soil himself." I am horrified to be having this conversation with a lady. Yay, Victorian upbringing!

"It's not about that. I don't want to work with him after he was such a douche!" Bella looks at me with scorn. "Would you want to work with someone who was slobbering on you like that?" If it was her I would but I keep that tidbit to myself. Bella Swan is clearly, as they say, just not "into" me.

"Oh. Yeah. I guess you have a point." We walk for a few more minutes in silence. The sensation of being with another person and having it be silent was a delicious sensation. So of course I talk and screw it up.

"Can I get you something to eat? 7-11 is still open. I could get you ice cream and pickles or whatever." She looks at me curiously.

"How old are you, Edward?"

"One hundred and ten." I look at her for a reaction. She's nodding.

"Haven't really spent a lot of time with pregnant women, huh?" I shake my head. I've been inside the heads of countless women but I am beginning to see how different hearing what they think and actually interacting with them is. Throw in the added complication of not being able to read Bella's mind and I am really flying blind here.

"Yeah, uh, let me give you a little piece of advice. Don't." She falls silent again and I wait for her to finish her sentence.

"That's it? 'Don't'? What does that mean?" She looks at me and blows out a big puff of air and shakes her head.

"I just think that you could give a girl a complex. I mean, I'm already the size of a water buffalo and retaining water as fast as Forks can produce it. Then you show up and offer to feed me some more häagen daz before you go to your next fucking photo shoot and it makes me feel kind of gross."

I don't even know what she's talking about so I just walk beside her silently until we get to her house. She stops in front and faces me.

"Thanks for walking me home and for freaking Newton out. It's kind of funny now, you know, in retrospect." She smiles at me. I want to prolong our time together but I don't really know how to since she doesn't really seem to enjoy my company.

"It was my pleasure. Would you like me to pick you up tomorrow so you can get your truck from my house?" She frowns slightly.

"No, I'm cool. I'll see you around, OK?" She turns and walks into her house while I stand out on the sidewalk, watching her go, considering not watching her sleep. My sense of pride and I compromise on hunting first and then just watching her for a few hours. Quite a moral victory.

This incident, luckily for me, allows my sister and I to offer Bella the secretary job at our office. Not that there's a real need for one. I mean, our phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook. At least she can guard the office supply cabinet.

She agrees, because Alice offered her the job. All of Alice's visions where I made the offer Bella says, "No".

Yeah, she digs me.

**a/n: Thanks for your hilarious reviews! If you want to read my awkward attempt at historical AU darkness I have a couple of chapters of "Howl" posted. I was going to call it "Making Edward and Bella Miserable for Like 6 Decades" but it didn't make a good acronym. **

**Also, there's a compilation being put together for Fandom against Domestic Violence. There are 130 authors, including some of my favorites. Go here: http:/fandomagainstdomesticviolence (dot) blogspot (dot) com/ (remove my spaces) to check it out. I have never participated in one of these but the cause is particularly compelling for me and I hope they can get a ton of support! Thanks! JuJu**


	10. Inside Job

**a/n: Exuberant thanks to my beta, EverlastingMuse! **

**Inside Job**

So I'm working on my best non-creepy workplace demeanor this week with Bella starting as our secretary. Some changes have to be made to the office to accommodate an actual human, like a refrigerator in the break room and toilet paper in the bathroom. I try to warn Alice about making too many changes that call attention to Bella's delicate condition after the ice cream and pickles debacle. Alice ignores me. Typical.

She actually orders a new desk chair from Europe specially designed for pregnant women which is funny to me because I thought that European countries had way more progressive maternity leave policies than the US. At least that's what all our snooty European vampire friends say. Those guys totally bug me. If I have to see them sitting around in their clogs talking about the fair distribution of wealth and socialized medicine one more time I'll vomit. Only figuratively, of course.

I mean, what do those guys even care? It's not like they use the health care system or anything, right?

Anyhow, Alice says that she'll take care of Bella's response to the changes to our office and I should just focus on "acting like I've actually talked to a girl before in my 100 plus years on earth." Apparently I come off a little awkward.

Emmett keeps telling me I need to act "smoother." Emmett's idea of looking smoother pretty much involves saying "babe" a lot and leaning on stuff nonchalantly.

Jasper keeps telling me to calm down because apparently I look a little tense when she's around. I tell him he would look a little tense if he had an unrequited crush on a pregnant human. To which he responds, "Well, Edward, it's a good thing that stuff only happens to you."

A plus on the normality front is that I have an actual client meeting scheduled for her first day. I figured it would help her take me seriously if it looks like I do something besides stalking and chasing wildlife.

Except, the client that my divorce lawyer buddy referred to me is a total pig. The guy is cheating on his wife, wants me to find evidence that she is cheating, and he completely misses the irony in that, even when I point it out. I let him know that I'll be in touch and am ushering him out of the office when he sees Bella, who showed up while we were in our appointment.

I want to punch him in the neck when I hear his thoughts about her but when she stands up and he takes in her…condition I freeze because I so shocked by the conclusion he comes to.

Because he assumes it's mine. The phrase "dipping your pen in the company inkwell" actually goes through his head. I haven't heard that one since the sixties. He turns to say it to me and thinks better of it when he sees my face. Which is frozen in a "surprised vampire" face, apparently.

"Mr. Fowler, this is Miss Swan." Fowler reaches out a hand to shake hers as she smiles politely.

"Mr. Fowler, a pleasure," she sits back down and looks at me to see if I have further directions. What I want is to usher Fowler the hell out of there so I can think about the implications of this.

I mean, it seems like I could make this work to my advantage, now that I clearly am not going to eat her and there was no "baby-daddy" jumping out of the woodwork. Sorry, I got that phrase from Emmett and it won't go away.

I am about to engage Bella in some ultra-smooth, non-creepy dialogue when Emmett comes crashing into the office.

"Dude, I have to talk to you!" Emmett begins to pull me into the office while I clear my throat and gesture toward Bella, trying to tell him that he's cutting in on my attempts to have "face time" with my new employee.

"Are you choking? What? Oh, yeah. Hi, Bella." Emmett gives Bella a wave and continues to pull me into the office. She smiles at him. "Hi, Emmett."

Emmett pulls me into the office and closes the door. "Dude, you are not going to believe…" Just then the door opens again and Alice rushes in.

"Edward, I have to tell you about what I just saw!" Alice is really excited and she pushes in front of Emmett.

"Oh, no, Alice, I was here first." Emmett crosses him arms and glares at her. Which, if you didn't know Emmett would be scary. But because we do it just looks silly. I mean, we've seen this guy in a giant bunny suit. Don't ask.

"Don't you have somewhere to be? I have to talk to Edward about business." Alice pulls the "I'm a professional" card. More like "professional pain in my ivory ass."

Just then the door opens again and Rosalie comes into my office. This is possibly the strangest thing I've ever seen her do, with the exception of that piece of "furniture" she ordered for her and Emmett's seventeenth anniversary…I shudder in recollection. _That_ certainly taught me to look more closely at address labels. It's strange because Rosalie has never been to my office and has never actually walked more than ten feet out of her way to see me.

"Hi, uh…" she looks around at the office and then looks down at the floor awkwardly. "I, uh, was just coming by to say 'hi' and see if you needed any help getting the office ready." Emmett and I just stare at her.

"Uh, wow, Rose." I rub my head in confusion. "That's really nice of you. I don't really…" Just in case this wasn't bizarre enough I hear the sounds of Jasper and Carlisle greeting Bella in the outer office and then they enter the room, surprised to see the impromptu vampire party that I am apparently hosting here.

"Hey, guys. What's up?" Emmett greets them. Jasper looks from Alice to Rose and them to me.

"Um, we wanted to talk with Edward." He gestures between Carlisle and himself.

"Where's Esme?" I ask, since she's the only member of my family not here.

"She stopped to get Bella a plant for her desk. She'll be here in fifteen minutes." Alice has sat down on the couch. Emmett leans on my windowsill and grins at Rosalie, who still looks uncomfortable. I guess because she's unused to interacting with me without insults.

Jasper sits down next to Alice and looks at Carlisle questioningly. Carlisle shrugs back at him. Just then there's a knock on the door. "Come in," I call out to Bella.

She pokes her head into the office. "I'm sorry to bother you guys…" My entire family, in unison, says, "Oh, no, Bella, it's OK," with giant smiles on their faces.

"There's a Dr. Carmichael on the phone?" She looks at me and then around the room at my grinning, overly friendly family. "Do you want me to take a message?"

"I'll take care of it," Alice says and walks out of my office to take the call.

"Thank you, Bella," I say, with a smile. She nods and gives my insane family another glance before she goes back out, closing the door.

"So, who wants to go first?" I say to the assembled vampires. They all look at each other. "Emmett, what was so important that you couldn't wait until tonight?" Emmett gets an image of some vampire friends of ours, Tanya, Kate and Irina. The sisters are kind of like cousins, if your cousins were to try to have sex with you all the time.

"What's up with the sisters?" I ask Emmett with a little anxiety. Having them show up and make Bella uncomfortable would not be great.

"They're coming to visit. They left a message on the answering machine this morning." Emmett gives me this huge grin, like he thinks that this is a great idea.

"When?" Emmett looks embarrassed now. "In August," he said, looking down.

"August," I say to him. He nods. "And you had to come by today, on Bella's first day, to tell me this?"

Emmett looks around nervously. "Yeah, uh, I also needed to get some…" he looked at my desk, "uh…staples! I needed some staples." Emmett walked over to the office supply cabinet and grabbed a box of paperclips and waved them at me. "OK, I guess I'll get going," he said and walked out of the office.

I looked at Rosalie, Jasper and Carlisle.

"Yeah, um, I wanted to talk with you about something I noticed about Bella," Jasper says, looking at Carlisle who interjects, "Yes, Jasper came to me with an observation he made and we thought we should come talk to you about it immediately." Carlisle does his best to seem serious.

"At my office. On Bella's first day. You both came to talk to me about something you noticed about her." I eye them pointedly. They look at each other.

"It seemed like a good idea at home," Carlisle admits. Rose snorts.

"I'll admit it, if you guys won't. I wanted to come down here so you could help me make friends with Bella. You know how I feel about children, Edward. I thought that maybe if she and I were friends that she would let me, you know, be involved in her baby's life."

"Rose, that's very…sweet," I am actually touched by Rose's sincerity. "But you want me to help you make friends with her?" Rose laughs and shakes her head. Apparently she forgot that I am not doing so hot on the "make Bella like me" front.

"Yeah, you have a point. Maybe I'll just go talk to her." Rose walks out of my office where she sees Esme already sitting talking with Bella and joins them.

"Alright, you two. What's up?" Carlisle looks at Jasper and nods.

"Well, it's just that I've noticed that Bella's emotions are actually getting harder for me to read. Usually, the longer I'm around someone, the clearer they become, but with her, they're getting fainter. I can tell she's having emotional responses, from her expressions."

"Not to mention the fact that she's a pregnant human," Carlisle interjects.

"But, it's almost like they're being turned down, like with a dimmer switch." Jasper frowns. "I've never experienced anything like it."

"Can you get anything from the baby's mind?" Carlisle asks.

"I can't. I guess I wasn't thinking anything of it. I don't have a lot of experience being around pregnant women and I guess I was assuming that Bella was blocking it." I frown. "That's interesting but I don't see why that couldn't have waited until tonight." They look at me sheepishly. I walk into the outer office where Alice is still on the phone and Esme and Rose are talking with Bella.

"How about you, Esme? What brings you here?" Esme looks up in mild surprise.

"I came in to see Bella. I knew it was her first day so I thought I'd see how she was doing." Hand it to Esme to be transparent about her motives.

"Well, I guess we'll get going," Carlisle corrals Jasper. "We should let Edward and Bella get back to work." He looks pointedly at Esme and Rosalie. I nod at him thankfully. Even if my idea of "getting back to work" is resting my chin on my hand gazing at Bella while she works. I wonder if she'll let me do that.

"Oh, goodness, of course!" Esme gets up, pulling a reluctant Rose with her and my annoying family members say their goodbyes.

"We'll call you when we have any information, Dr. Carmichael," Alice wraps up the phone call and hangs up.

"Well, what did you need, Alice?" I ask. She grins at me.

"I was just coming to tell you to take that job but I just accepted it for you." She is still smiling broadly and looking at Bella and I in a way that makes me extremely anxious.

"Do you want to talk about it in my office?" I gesture toward the door but she shakes her head.

"No this involves Bella, too." Bella looks up in surprise.

"Dr. Carmichael is a podiatrist in Port Angeles. He is extremely paranoid and he is convinced that the Dr. in the office next to him is saying negative things about him to patients. You just have to go to the other Dr.'s office, undercover, and see if it's true."

"How does that involve me?" Bella asks, looking between the two of us.

"Dr. Richards is an obstetrician. We need a pregnant woman." Bella looks uncomfortable. Alice winks at me.

When I see what is in her head I realize that made an excellent hiring decision bringing my little sister into the business. She's _totally _employee of the month.

**a/n: Thank you to the people who have been pushing this lunacy, I'll try to justify your faith. **

**It occurred to me that this is a fine time for another disclaimer about how ridiculous this story is. It is neither a real mystery story nor is it terribly skillfully developed. It's just stupid. So if people's motivations don't make sense to you, it's because they don't make sense. It's not you. It's me. Thanks for reading anyway! JuJu**


	11. Undercover

**Chapter 11: Undercover**

Alice's plan is brilliant. Seriously, I owe her a really nice birthday gift. Maybe a pony or something.

The doctor we are investigating is in Port Angeles, so I have the ride there and the ride back to interact with Bella. You know, with the windows down and all.

Then, the appointment itself gives me a chance to find out more about Bella's pregnancy.

Bella's not thrilled by the idea but she goes along with it because she's still in that first week of work mindset where you want to impress your employer even if he's a vampire and you think he's creepy.

Carlisle finesses her regular obstetrician's staff to make an appointment with Dr. Richards by telling them that Bella is going to be in Port Angeles for the week.

I figure we could go truly "undercover," like with phony names and all but then I wouldn't be able to get any good dirt on Bella's pregnancy. So she is going as herself and I, uh, well we don't really talk about who I am but I'm pretty determined to act like her boyfriend/"baby-daddy"/whatever for a couple reasons: a) It might subconsciously convince her to accept me in that, uh, position, b) it gives me an excuse to go into the exam room with her and c) Emmett told me I didn't have the guts to.

I pick Bella up after school, which attracts a little attention. And by a little, I mean total jaws-dropping, "what's he doing here" rubber-necking. Of course, doing my archaic "get out of the car and open the door for her" thing because I _am_ that square.

I get into the Volvo and start the drive to Port Angeles. Bella is anxiously pulling at her clothes and fidgeting with the seat belt.

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to do once we get there," she says nervously. "I don't have any experience with this detective thing." I smile at her cheerfully.

"All you have to do is show up for an appointment with the obstetrician. I'll take care of the rest." I tap my forehead. She frowns.

"I don't really know what that means," she says and taps her forehead in imitation of me.

"I'll just listen," I say.

"What if he doesn't mention the other doctor?"

"I'll ask and if he doesn't say anything out loud I can hear what he's thinking at least."

She looks at me with surprise and I realize that she has no idea I can read minds. I'm irritated because I know my sister managed to find time to mention to Bella that I listened to The Cure obsessively in the eighties and nineties and that I have a piece of the fence from Wrigley Field in a safe in my room but she couldn't be bothered to mention the fact that I can read minds.

I'd be willing to bet she also hasn't mentioned the fact that she's like a Magic 8-Ball with a manicure.

"You read minds?" She asks, looking embarrassed.

"Yes." I say, watching her carefully. She looks really uncomfortable.

"So, when I first saw you, you know, before you started lunging at me and had to be restrained, you saw what I was thinking?" I am now dying to know what she was thinking.

"I can't read your mind. What were you thinking?" She looks relieved.

"Nothing, just about books and stuff." I look at her skeptically. She won't make eye contact for a minute.

Then she says: "So am I the only mind you can't read?"

"You and your baby, although my fetus-reading powers are questionable. And you might be blocking the baby's mind so I might be able to read it after it's born."

"I can't imagine that babies have terribly sophisticated thoughts. I mean, it probably is like 'food, warm, dark', right?"

"Yeah, pretty close. It's pictures and feelings, mostly."

I am relieved that she doesn't seem freaked out by the mind-reading thing.

"Can I put some music on?" she gestured towards the radio.

"Sure," I say.

"What kind of stuff do you listen to?" She asks. God, do I tell her the truth and highlight for her how old I am?

"Uh, I like lots of stuff. Jazz, classical, rock, whatever." I hope this is innocuous enough.

"I listen to, I guess, what they call classic rock?" she looks at me with a sudden smirk. "You know, stuff that came out when you were in your sixties?"

"Funny. Go ahead and put it on and I'll tell you what I was doing when the song came out." She looks at me with amusement. "Really?" She seems delighted as she turns the radio to a Port Angeles station. We tune into the end of "Layla." Great, a song about unrequited love. Fucking Clapton.

"1970. We were living in Scotland so Emmett could connect with his roots. Alice loved this song. She would make me play the piano solo over and over. This song makes me think of haggis and Emmett in a kilt." She laughs.

We listen to a few more songs before "Free Bird" come on and I make her change the station. There's only so much a man can take.

When we get to the office we take seats in the waiting room and wait for Dr. Richards to call us. Looking around I realize that ALL of the pregnant women are staring at me. There's also a curious dichotomy in the thoughts coming in my direction. Half of them are contemplating lewd acts with me and the other half are horrified that Bella's so young. I am only 17 physically but Alice has been picking my clothes to make me look a little more mature, to fit my supposed age. So I guess I look like one of those college guys who date (and apparently impregnate) high school girls.

I decide to take advantage of our ruse so I present my open palm to Bella to hold. She looks at it for a moment, as if contemplating her choices. I mean, I guess she might be interpreting my gesture to mean I want a high-five or some money but I doubt it.

Then she slips her hand into mine and closes her fingers.

I have never touched Bella before. This explains why I didn't know that I would feel this warm, tingling feeling when we touched. I know she can feel it too because I hear her intake of breath and I can feel a slight tremor in her hand.

I'm never going to let go of her hand. Seriously. It feels that good. I'm not thinking of her blood or her fragility or even the fact that she doesn't really like me.

All I can focus on is her hand. Bella's hand made me feel human and connected to another person in a way that I had never felt.

I wallowed in my sappy-ass thoughts about this while remaining perfectly still so I didn't scare her hand off.

"Isabella Swan?" The assistant calls her name and Bella smiles at me nervously and gets up. I am forced to let go of her hand around which my world revolves. I follow her as the assistant leads her down the hall and to an exam room. She leaves us there.

"This is going to be just some questions and an ultrasound. If this doctor has to do anything else," Bella eyes me sternly, "you're out of here, OK?"

I hold my hands up, "There's no way I would invade your privacy…like that." She nods at me and sits down on the exam table.

"So, do you want to pretend I'm the father?" I want to get giggly just saying it but I'm worried that the action with be horrifying on me. Bella frowns at me.

"No, not if they're going to coordinate with my doctor in Forks."

"Why not? I mean, it wouldn't bother me." I don't make eye contact with her for this one so she can't see just how much it wouldn't bother me.

"Yeah, that's not going to work. Thank you for offering, though. That's very sweet."

I don't have a chance to capitalize on my excruciating sweetness because the doctor comes in at that point.

Dr. Richards is a middle-aged man with a receding hairline and a kind smile. He actually looks like someone sent him from Central Casting; he looks that much like an obstetrician.

"Miss Swan?" He looks at Bella kindly and then extends his hand to me to shake. "I'm Allen Richards." I glance at Bella, uncertain how she wants to handle this. We have to have some sort of relationship to justify me being in here with her. Her introducing me as her boss is going to seem a little weird.

"This is Edward, my boyfriend," she says, with a wince. I, on the other hand, am grinning like a loon as I shake his hand. _Attractive couple_, the good doctor is thinking. _It's just a pity she's so young_.

"So, Miss Swan…"

"Bella, please," she says.

"Bella, I see your due date is June 20th?" I do the math vampire-fast and realize that Bella was pregnant for nearly a month when she moved to Forks. I am still working through the ramifications of this when I realize a) her baby's due date is my birthday, which is cute and b) Bella is pulling her shirt up for the ultrasound.

Yeah, I know I'm getting all titillated about the bare stomach of a pregnant woman, don't judge.

Dr. Richards puts that jelly stuff on her stomach and gets out his little fetus-cam and starts looking for a good angle, checking the screen behind him.

"I think I might be able to get a better view if you're a little on your side," he says to Bella and she turns about 45 degrees so she's facing more towards where I'm sitting and gawking.

And then something wonderful and horrific happens.

I need to stop here and explain that all of my platonic little fantasies about having a relationship with Bella had been just that: platonic, innocent, hypothetical, based on some imaginary, make-believe relationship. The equivalent of those kids who pretend to get married when they're eight.

Remember how I talked about how young I had been when I was changed? Not just young chronologically but emotionally immature. You remember: war, detective novels, Cub's baseball?

I have been approached by women that no mortal man could resist, no matter the consequence, and I have been so freaked out by their lascivious thoughts that I would have hurled were I able to.

I have been ambushed in a hot tub by a succubus and I screamed like a banshee and ran away.

I have questioned whether Angelina Jolie is a good actress.

Basically, I never grew up; I never crossed that step into adulthood, whatever it is that makes boys suddenly interested in sex.

Until I found myself in that tiny exam room, with Bella Swan's expanse of pale pregnant belly exposed, her lush brown hair flowing around her, the barest hint of cleavage showing (accidentally) where the buttons of her shirt stopped, her eyes meeting mine with a look of shyness and embarrassment.

In this awkward situation I had the poor taste, after a century of being an overgrown child, to suddenly grow up and have a…physiological response to my attraction to Bella. With her three feet away from me. Getting an ultrasound.

I am now officially both a freak and a pervert.

A freak/pervert who is thrilled that he finally feels like a man.

And now needs to deal with this…situation without her noticing.

So I call upon all the things I have heard in men's heads in the past ninety years about how to deal with this.

But I guess I'm the only one actually thinks that baseball is exciting. I mean, not sexually exciting, but certainly not make-my-boner-go-away awful.

So I try to think of things that are gross and I think of the myriad of images and sounds I have been exposed to of Emmett and Rosalie being intimate. Which is generally enough to make me want to tear my head off and throw it away but backfires this time when my newly awakened inner-pervert just substitutes Bella and I in those situations. Not helping.

Finally, I arrive upon the solution. Angela Lansbury.

Angela fucking Lansbury. Who began torturing me in the late forties with her simpering malevolence in "Gaslight." Who's pursed-mouth, coy, pseudo-shrewdness made me run screaming from rooms where innocent watchers of "Murder She Wrote" watched Jessica Fletcher bring death wherever she went. Who's hideous screeching in "Beauty and the Beast" and "Sweeney Todd" made me wish I had been born without ears.

I thought of Angela Lansbury in "Death on the Nile" and was able to return myself to a presentable state in front of Bella.

Just in time to see the doctor pull the wand away from her belly.

Shit! I missed seeing the baby! I don't even know what the gender is! I frown with my frustration with myself and realize that as distracted as I am I need to take care of the ostensible reason for my trip here today. As if I care.

So I ask Dr. Richards about his neighbor, the podiatrist, on the auspices of needing a good podiatrist for my mom, which makes Bella stifle a laugh.

And Alice was right; Dr. Carmichael is just a paranoid freak. The obstetrician doesn't even think anything negative about him. In fact, he's having trouble even remembering the guy's name.

Still, I am simultaneously bummed out that I missed out on getting more information on the mystery-fetus and thrilled at my newfound status as an actually grown man, with erections and everything.

We part with Dr. Richards and begin our drive back to Forks. Bella seems cheerful and I ask her how she felt about the doctor.

"I actually really liked him," she says, with a look of mild surprise. "I am trying to decide if it would be a major pain to switch doctors."

"He's better than Dr. Hansen?" Of course I know her other obstetrician's name. Am I a stalker or am I not?

"Yeah, Dr. Hansen gets kind of judgmental on me about the whole "pregnant teenager" thing. This guy didn't seem to have a major problem."

"He thought you were young but that's all. He also thought we were a good-looking couple." I can't resist. Might as well plant the seeds. Bella gets a slight frown on her face.

"He might have been less worried than Dr. Richards about your well being because you had a, uh…significant other." My selflessness in helping Bella think this through knows no bounds.

"Yeah, that's a good point," she nods thoughtfully. "I guess if I switch doctors I'd have to have you come along. That would become pretty inconvenient for you."

"It's not that big of a deal if it means you have a doctor you like. I could make it for some appointments." I try to sound off-hand about it. "Some appointments." The truth is I could make any and every appointment she made, even if there was a zombie apocalypse and I had to run there with her on my back and a shovel in my hand.

Of course, since I am thinking about going to the obstetricians with her and apparently that is a fetish of mine I immediately start thinking about how I'm going to have to bring photographs of Angela Lansbury along with me and how effective it would be if I just put that theme song from "Beauty and the Beast" on my iPod and I kind of zone out until I hear her say "cold hands."

"I'm sorry," I ask. "Who has cold hands?" I swear she blushes and looks at my hands on the steering wheel.

"I was just saying that a tolerance for teenage pregnancy is no stranger a requirement for choosing an obstetrician than whether or not they have cold hands."

"Cold hands being uncomfortable, I guess." I am crushed. It should have occurred to me when she held my hand that she was repulsed by my frosty digits.

"No, actually, cold stuff doesn't bug me," she blushes and I watch as she shyly speaks. "Growing up in Arizona cold stuff was good, like popsicles and air conditioning." Her eyes actually get a little hazy talking about it. "I remember drinking milkshakes on hot days. So delicious. There was no better feeling."

So much for calming myself down. Now I'm imagining how much she would like my cold hands all over her and, stuck in the car with her like this, with that dreamy look on her face, not even Angela can help me out this time.

The ride home is quiet but less uptight than when we've been alone together previously. Which is not to say it isn't rigid.

**a/n: EverlastingMuse betas it, Stephanie Meyer owns it, I just make them dance like circus monkeys. Dance, monkeys, dance! JuJu**


	12. Casing the Joint

**I don't own it. Seriously. **

**Casing the Joint**

So I tell Alice that she's going to have to give it up to Bella about her fortune-telling abilities so I can look like less of a circus freak. She reluctantly agrees only after I give her all the info I gleaned from Bella at the obstetrician's as well as anything that I may potentially learn at future obstetric appointments.

It's a complex negotiation which takes two days and requires each of us to consult our legal counsel, so it's a good thing that Rosalie and Emmett went to law school.

I mean, they can't practice in the state of Washington and it was the 1960's but both are able to review contracts and stuff. I am lucky that I am able to secure Rosalie's services as she is clearly the better lawyer than Emmett because she's a) a total hard-ass and b) able to manipulate the bejeezus out of Emmett.

Of course, to secure Rosalie's services I have to promise her that I will facilitate access to the progeny of the above-mentioned subject of inquiry.

We four have set up negotiations in the dining room. Jasper got so disgusted after the first day that he refuses to be in the same room as us. He's sitting in the living room watching that Ken Burns "Civil War" documentary that he quotes all the damn time when Esme comes in from grocery shopping. She's been so pleased to have a human to cook for that it's been almost unbearable in the house with all the "food" smells. I'm sorry but most vegetables just smell nastier cooked than they do raw. And brussel sprouts are just pointless.

"They're not playing Monopoly again, are they?" Esme asks. She had to throw the Monopoly set out about 15 years ago when an all-night game turned ugly. Emmett is a competitive bitch, that's all I'm gonna say. And I didn't actually intend to pull his arm off; he just wouldn't let me put any more hotels on Park Place.

"No, they are negotiating human access," Jasper says to Esme. She sighs and sticks her head in the dining room.

"You guys are just sick," she says. "She's a human, not a toy. This is highly disrespectful to Bella."

We all hang our heads in shame for a minute, except Rose, who knows no shame. Then we get back to negotiations.

We are finally able to come to an agreement on the whole thing in less time than it took to settle the Great Station Wagon Debate of 1973, the argument by which all arguments are measured. At least this one stayed civil as measured by appendages removed and furniture damage. This one is more comparable to the "Last Space inthe Carport" treaty of 1961, the catalyst for Rose and Emmett going to law school. At least we didn't have to call in outsiders to mediate this one. That would have been awkward.

So we are working in the office, and by "working" I mean Alice is reading a magazine, Bella is learning the billing software and I am skulking around trying to think of things to send Alice out of the office for.

"That won't work," Alice says. I think she's talking to me but then I realize that she's looking at Bella. When Bella realizes that Alice is addressing her she frowns.

"What do you mean? I did the online tutorial." Alice shakes her head.

"No, I mean that moving in with Lauren and Jessica won't work. You won't like it."

"How did you…Wait, can you read minds, too? Can you read my mind?" Bella looks noticeably uncomfortable.

"No. I can see the future." Alice says, looking back down to her magazine.

"The future. Like all of it?" Bella is staring at Alice nervously.

"Well, not all of it, just bits and pieces. When people make decisions I can see the outcome of those decisions. When you decided to move in with Lauren and Jessica after graduation I saw what would happen. Lauren is going to want to throw parties all the time and Jessica…" Alice shudders. "You just _don't_ want to live with Jessica. Trust me."

"Why are you thinking of moving out of the Chief's?" I ask.

Bella looks uncomfortable. "I, uh, I don't really want to tell you guys. It doesn't really make me look very good." Who is she kidding? She thinks that I masturbate in my office and she's worried about how she looks?

"You couldn't possibly look worse than Edward," Alice says. Fuck you, Alice.

"Yeah, and Alice here paid off a bunch of students to get herself elected as Treasurer of the French Club at our last school." I stick my tongue out at Alice so fast that only she will see it.

"It wasn't fair that that guy was from France and so everyone thought he was better!" Alice flips me off at lightning speed.

"Yeah, this is still worse," Bella says although she is smiling slightly at our accusations.

"Yeah, well Edward…" I see that Alice is about to tell her about my nocturnal "observation sessions" and I cut her off.

"Thinks that that French guy had a totally unfair advantage," I add, giving Alice a pleading look. "Anyway, I think he was really from Belgium. What a poseur."

"Yeah, anyway," Bella looks between us curiously. "I wasn't really honest with Charlie about something and things have just been kind of tense."

"Well, can you talk it over with him?" Alice says. Like she's some undead Dr. Phil and shit.

"It's not really that easily resolved," Bella is clearly debating talking with us, which is a first. She's more closed-mouthed than a mime. "I kind of inferred that I was willing to put the baby up for adoption when I first moved here and I…wasn't really ever interested in doing that. It wasn't really very honest of me but I was trying to keep things civil. I read that fetuses could be affected by stress that the mother is feeling and I am really trying to minimize the drama in my life so I can stay calm."

"Well, you could…" Alice cuts me off.

"You don't want to move out until after graduation, right?" Alice gives me a slight shake of the head as she talks to Bella.

"I don't know," Bella smirks. "You're the one who can see the future. You tell me."

"You should wait," Alice says, looking back to her magazine.

"Anyhow, we can't judge you for not being honest to the Chief, we lie all the time." I grin at Bella. She laughs at me.

"All the time, huh?" I nod.

"Yeah, you know, 'My skin is cold because I have cold circulation,' 'I ate a big breakfast,' 'Yeah, Emmett, I'm sure Rose respects you.' Stuff like that."

"So, you could be lying to me, like, all the time?" Bella looks at me, amused.

"Yeah, I probably am. By the way, you don't even look pregnant in that sweater." Bella looks down at the bowling ball in her lap and then back at me and laughs.

"So we should have a graduation party," Alice interjects.

"Is that a trick question? I mean, have you already seen it happening?" Bella teases Alice. Alice sticks her tongue out at Bella.

"No, that's why I'm suggesting it. Bella, unlike us, you're only going to graduate from high school once. You should have a graduation party." Bella shakes her head.

"I don't have any friends in Forks besides you guys. Who am I going to invite? My obstetrician? The guy at the drugstore where I buy my prenatal vitamins?"

"Well, I was thinking we could plan a really nice party at our place and only invite people we like and then everyone who had been trolls to you would be jealous," Alice looks at Bella earnestly. Bella smiles at her indulgently.

"Alice, that is really sweet but I don't really enjoy parties and I'm not really that upset about being the leper of Forks. I mean, if my parents are being jerks about this whole thing, why should I expect an bunch of high school students to respond any more maturely?"

I feel so bad for her; I wish I could go slap her parents around. I also keep thinking about that "moving out of the Chief's house" thing. I'm sure you can guess where I think she should move. I'm nothing if not predictably obsessive.

But I'm guessing that from the way Alice cut me off that it was a bad idea for me to make the offer. I can imagine it would come off a little aggressive. "Hey, Bella, since we've talked you into working here and I go to all your doctor's appointments with you, why not move in so I don't have to cross town to watch you sleep?"

"Well, we'll just invite people we like, like, uh, each other, I guess, and have a good time," Alice smiles and starts to make a list of things to do for the party. Bella groans and I give her a sympathetic look. Maybe I can offer to let her hang out in my room the whole time. Purely for the purpose of her comfort, of course.

"Well, I'm going to get going. I've got a party to plan!" Alice grabs her list and her purse and goes spinning out of the room with a glance back at me as she thinks: _"Don't talk to her about moving in! But you can ask her about her mom!" _I give her a nod and sit down in Alice's chair next to Bella's desk.

"So, do you think your mom is going to come for your graduation?" Bella sighs.

"I don't know. She's pretty pissed off about the baby. I mean, she kicked me out."

"Yeah, but she's your mom. She'll get over it, right?" I cannot believe that anyone could stay mad at Bella, especially her own mom.

"My mom is still mad about Fleetwood Mac breaking up. She can hold a grudge." Bella smiles. "It's cool, Edward. I know you feel sorry for me but I'm ok. I have you guys and I'm not really as dependent on my parents as a lot of kids. I mean, Charlie has always been pretty distant and Renee is kind of…self-absorbed." I get such warm fuzzies when she talks about having us as a support network. Using the term "warm" figuratively. I am roughly 58 degrees as we speak, of course.

"So, can we drop this little therapy session? Unless you want to interpret my dreams or something this is a pretty lame conversation. I guess I could lie down on the couch and talk about what I remember about being potty trained." She smiles at me and reaches out to touch my hand but stops herself about 6 inches before making contact. Her hand changes course and grabs her bottle of water instead and she takes a drink.

"If you're going to lie down on my couch we don't even have to have a conversation," slips out of my traitorous mouth before I can stop myself and Bella chokes on her water.

As soon as she's done sputtering and choking I can tell she's embarrassed and I'm pretty ashamed of myself for talking to her like that so I make myself scarce in my office for the rest of the day. Way to kill the mood, Slick. I'm so pathetic that what might have been some pretty successful flirtation if applied to someone actually interested in me nearly ended up requiring the Heimlich maneuver.

My fucktastic mood is only improved by the sight of the boxes of party supplies already arriving at the house when I get home. Which are being stored conveniently in my room. Of course. Because, as Rose explains it, "It's not like you have a bed." Thanks for the reminder, Sis.

But Alice cheers me up by showing me that Bella is going to move in after all, it's just going to have to be_ her_ decision. And it's not going to happen until after she graduates.

Which means that my bedroom will get a bed after all. Because Esme is going to give Bella my room and move me into the fricking broom closet down the hall. Which I'm pretty much ok with.

**a/n: So I really need to get WriteOnTime and anniej13 some gold teeth and velvet trenchcoats because they have been pimping the **_**socks**_** off of this story. Also, a big gold chain to EverlastingMuse for beta'ing all of the nonsense I send her and a pinkie ring for Liz3615 for being my one woman cheering squad. Thank you to all the awesome readers who reviewed every last chapter of this nonsense and even those who just read it and shake their heads in disgust. Thanks! JuJu **


	13. Whodunit

So I think Bella is beautiful, don't get me wrong.

I just think that the average graduation robe was really not designed with the 5'2" pregnant woman in mind. None of the girls really look their _best_ (because they are wearing big acetate robes) but she looks remarkably like a parking kiosk. Any minute now I'm expecting to see some retired guy with a library book poke his head out of her sleeve to take my ticket.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to hand the man in her robe my ticket because that would require me to step into the blazing sunshine that Forks is deciding to have on Bella's graduation day. I guess I could just pretend someone had ordered those sparkly mirrored balls for the graduation.

To be fair, it's Alice and Jasper's graduation day as well but it's Bella's first high school graduation and Alice's 6th. Not that Alice isn't still close enough from our position in the woods to hear the speaker, the president of First Bank of Forks, the long-winded and painfully boring Tom Mallory, as well as the scintillating words of Eric Yorkie, the valedictorian, who is thrilled to be quoting the edgy wisdom of _both_ Benjamin Franklin _and_ Ralph Waldo Emerson. Way to make your mark, Erik. It's not every man that has the guts to spew the same stuff that every high school valedictorian in the history of high school has said. Talk about the road less traveled, sport.

On an even less entertaining note, Bella's mom had also decided to show up for the graduation, with her new boyfriend, Phil, and Bella's not thrilled. Apparently her mom and Phil are staying at Charlie's house and Bella is getting tag-teamed by her parents.

Jasper and Alice and I stand in the woods watching the rest of the ceremony, wishing we could make a bunch of noise when Bella's name gets called, since that's how you measure high school popularity. There is some clapping, though, so it's not total cricket-chirping silence.

What was cool was that we actually came up with about 20 people that Bella did want to invite to our graduation party, people who had been nice to her in her time here.

The best moment actually came after the ceremony when Angela Weber told her dad that she was going to our party. The Reverend Weber had been adamant that Angela not have anything to do with the local pregnant teenager and he sputtered and turned red when his normally meek daughter told him that she was going whether he liked it or not. Jasper and Alice and I traded high-fives from our position in the forest and our estimation of Angela went way up.

We got out of there when the ceremony was over so we could get back to the house and help Esme finish setting up. Even Rosalie was helping out, although she was giving Jasper and I a hard time about which direction the streamers we put up were twisting. As if Martha Stewart was coming over and was going to notice that some were clockwise and others weren't.

At least we had gotten all of our human party issues settled before the big event. It seems we all had different ideas of what was appropriate for a graduation party, depending upon what time period we had died in and how much TV we watched in the ensuing decades. So Emmett wanted a keg, I had to be talked out of wearing a tuxedo and Jasper was told that no really appreciated a good jug band anymore. "I mean, how hard can it be to find a washboard?" he walked around saying for a few days.

Luckily Alice was able to cancel the order that Emmett made and we let him know that a woman jumping out of a cake was not what was generally done at high school graduation parties.

We get the streamers properly aligned just as guests start arriving. Bella looks so much prettier out of her robe despite the scowl she's wearing from listening to her parents all afternoon.

Even Phil, her mom's boyfriend, is getting tired of the ass-chewing Bella is getting and he wanders off to the den, which Emmett and Jasper have dubbed "The Bat Cave." They've got a flatscreen TV and a bunch of game systems in addition to all their sports memorabilia. I know Emmett's even got a Mark fucking McGuire autographed bat that he keeps up in his room. He keeps it under the bed with a bunch of stuff that I totally don't want to touch or even think about. I'm hoping he'll bring it out to show Phil so I can steal it and smash it.

Phil's a minor league ball player so we're able to sit around and talk baseball for a few minutes. I even manage to not punch Emmett in the throat when he mentions Dusty Baker being a great manager. Which he's not, by the way.

I have covered Baker's poor management of the Giants in the 2002 World Series and am starting to address his poor management of the Cubs in the 2003 World Series when Alice taps me on the arm.

Which is excellent timing because Phil is looking a little alarmed at the vehemence with which I discuss baseball and Emmett is getting ready to mention that the Cubs haven't won a World Series in 102 years and that can't all be Dusty Baker's fault.

Which would totally piss me off.

At first I think that Alice is interrupting me before I do something in a baseball-fan-frenzy like start yelling statistics or challenge Emmett to a duel but I realize that she's got something different in mind when she pulls me out to the patio.

"I don't want to explain right now but I want you to do something." She showed me in her head what she wanted and I looked at her in surprise. She nodded and I shrugged, making my way back into the house.

I find Bella talking to her parents in the living room. I could tell from her posture that it wasn't a comfortable conversation and as I tune into it I could hear her mom saying: "Honey, we just want what's best for you."

I walk over to them as Bella answers.

"I know you guys are worried but it's not like you guys didn't have me when you were teenagers. I turned out ok, right?"

"But Bella, we were married. You don't have any…" Chief Swan's words broke off as I slipped my arm around Bella's shoulders. I could feel her shudder slightly as that pulse of warmth I felt the last time I had touched her spread through me again. Either she felt it too or she was freaking out about my coldness. Oh, wait, that's right, she dug coldness. I am totally irresistible.

"You must be Renee," I extended my free hand to Bella's mom, whose jaw has dropped open at my sudden appearance. And my handsomeness, too. I read minds, remember?

Renee takes my hand and shakes it warmly but the Chief is less than pleased. Apparently, the fact that his daughter looks to be cozying up to what he thinks might be an acceptable boyfriend-choice kind of ruins his argument. If only I could reassure him of what a totally inappropriate choice I actually am. But that would be shooting myself in the foot, now wouldn't it? Metaphorically speaking, I mean. Literally shooting myself in the foot would only cause the bullet to ricochet around the room, potentially hurting people and really killing the vibe.

Bella just looks at me briefly and smiles while her dad chews on the edges of his cop mustache and mumbles: "Hello, Mr. Cullen." Charlie has always called me this, for reasons I have yet to figure out. I think he does it to be respectful or something, since we have encountered each other professionally.

"Edward, please," I say with a smile. He does something with his mouth that I think is supposed to be a smile.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Edward," Renee is actually kind of simpering at me. Which is a weird word in itself but at least someone here likes me.

"How are you doing?" I look down on Bella, rubbing her upper arm with my hand. She shivers and then gets a tiny frown on her face.

"You know, I _am_ actually kind of hungry," she says. "Let's go get some of Esme's legendary spinach dip." She smiles at me pointedly and I could be wrong but I think I might be in trouble.

"Of course," I say and lead her into the kitchen. When she sees that it is unoccupied she pulls out of my grasp.

"What the hell was that? You realize that was a really bad time to play pretend in there, right?" I open and close my mouth a few times as she waits for me to respond. Kind of like a fish.

"I'm in there talking about how it's my decision to make and I'm a big girl and you walk up and start pretending to be interested in my pregnant ass and you know what it looks like?"

I shake my head "No."

"It looks like I'm just a Cullen charity case. Or like I've used some insta-family voodoo on you. Like I'm having this baby to trap the rich guy in town." Bella looks angry. Alice sucks.

"It's my fault," Alice's voice comes from the doorway. "I told Edward to do it and I didn't tell him what would happen." Bella looks over at Alice and sighs.

"Alice, you…" Bella sighs and shakes her head. "You better have someplace for me to stay tonight and a ton of chocolate cake because that shit wasn't cool. Charlie's all pissed off and my mom thinks Edward's gonna rescue me."

Alice smiles. "Edward, go show Bella her room." Bella looks at me sharply and I shrug my shoulders at her.

"Come on," I say, leading her out of the kitchen. I take her up to show her the room, my ex-room, which Esme and Alice have fixed up for her.

I have been relegated to Alice's former sewing room down the hall but my new "room", and by room I mean closet, doesn't have enough space for my books and all my music so they've just moved my couch and desk in there, along with my journals, which contain the scintillating details of my 100 plus years of ennui. Emmett calls it "100 years of loserdom." They've also moved some of my clothes and some of my more adolescent books. Also my complete collection of "Yes" records and the picture of me at Edgar Allen Poe's graveyard in the 1970's. I just don't want Bella to get the wrong idea about me. You know, that I'm like a dork or something.

Bella looks around the room, gasping. "This is so beautiful!" I am pleased to see her so happy and hope that she decides to stay, as Alice predicted. Bella's eyes stop at the shelves of records and my excellent stereo that I am happy to sacrifice for her comfort.

"Edward, was this your room?" she asks me, suspiciously. I nod, quickly adding: "Seriously, Bella, I don't even need it. I moved to a room down the hall. It's totally big enough." Yeah, big enough for a cat carrier, but I leave that part out.

"So that was your bed?" Bella points to the bed that Esme and Rosalie ordered for her. It is surprisingly girly, with these big iron roses.

"Of course not," I shake my head. "What would I do with a bed?" I laugh and then I realize that Bella's eyes have glazed over and she doesn't seem to be really with me.

"Hey, are you ok?" I wave my hand in front of her eyes. She shakes her head and blushes. "Sorry," she says. "Pregnancy hormones and all. We should get back to the party." Bella walks out the door, leaving me to decipher her statement. _Pregnancy hormones? _ I'd never heard of them making you inattentive. I figured I'd have to google it.

The rest of the party goes pretty smoothly after Bella lets her parents know that she's spending the night here and Renee gives me a knowing look and Chief Swan just looks resigned.

Jasper and I go out hunting since being we couldn't go earlier and being stuck in a house full of dinner all day was sort of hard. Hard on Jasper, I mean. I have perfect control. Even with Bella staying in the house.

Jasper and I arrive back at the house to see Bella sitting on the front porch in the dark. We see her long before she sees us and it gives me a chance to examine her expression. And her, uh, nightgown? It had to be Alice's doing, the things I saw Bella wear when I was stalking her in her own home were much more demure. What she was wearing was…not. I covered up Jasper's eyes.

"What the fuck?" Jasper pushed my hands away. 'What are you doing?"

"Just because your wife has apparently discovered maternity porn or something doesn't mean you should see Bella like that." I am trying to block Jasper's vision with my body but it's making us trip over each other.

"Like you should? It's not like you're an item or anything?" To his credit, Jasper isn't even trying to see her, he's just trying to walk in a straight line without me blocking him.

"I'm being respectful!" I hiss, maneuvering my body so I continue to block his view of her. At this point we're making so much noise that she's noticed our approach, as has the rest of the house and she pulls her robe tighter over her chest.

"Evening, Bella," Jasper says as he goes into the house and I pause in front of where she's sitting.

"Mind if I join you?" I ask, gesturing to the chair next to her. She nods.

"Why are you up so late?" I ask, noticing that she has a half empty cup of tea next to her. She sighs.

"I just couldn't sleep. It was a stressful day." She is still looking out into the forest thoughtfully.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask, since I am apparently really sensitive and understanding. As well as hoping that her robe will slip open again.

"It's just this stuff with my parents. And the worst part of it is, I totally get where they're coming from. It makes no sense for me to have a baby at 18. I've always thought of myself as the last girl that would get knocked-up in high school."

"You didn't know me before, Edward, but I was really smart and focused and not…not like this!" She gestures to her stomach. "I don't mean not pregnant but just not that kind of girl." She lets out a huff of frustration. "I don't know how to explain it without it sounding crazy." She continues to stare out into the woods, frowning.

"I can read minds and I've been around for a hundred years. Do you really think that your reasons for having this baby are going to sound unusual to me?" She lets out a laugh. "Seriously, I've heard some crazy shit. Have you ever been to one of those Star Trek conventions? I have and it was an eye-opener, let me tell you." She laughs again and this time she looks at me.

"Ok, but I haven't told anyone this. You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Got it," I hold up my hand in the Boy Scout three-finger oath. She looks at me oddly for a second and then takes a deep breath.

"So I got pregnant on accident. I'd only had sex like twice and I got pregnant on accident. Worst luck, right?" I nod and gesture for her to continue.

"I don't even know what compelled me to sleep with this guy except, I don't know, it was really stupid. I shouldn't have. How was I supposed to know the guy couldn't even use a condom right or anything? So I find out I'm pregnant and I make this appointment to…get rid of it? I mean, I gave this huge persuasive speech on a woman's right to choose in my junior year. How's that for irony?" She shakes her head in annoyance. "So the night before I have this dream. But it feels really real and there's this little boy in it. And I know, I just know, that he's my baby. When I wake up, I just can't go through with it. I met my baby and I don't want to give him up."

"Crazy, huh? I'm like the least superstitious person in the world. I mean, my Mom loves that stuff, you know past lives and auras and shit. But I've always been totally logical." She smiles at me. "So then I move here, because my Mom goes totally apeshit when she hears I'm pregnant and I meet a bunch of vampires and werewolves. Funny, huh?" She looks like she's about to cry. Shit. Crying woman are totally not in my skill set. I am fucked. And yet I want so badly to be able to comfort her.

I reach over to her and stroke her arm lightly. At which point she bursts into tears. Full-on wet, heartbreaking tears. I scoot my chair closer and slip both my arms around loosely, muttering stuff like: "It's ok, Bella," and "There, there." Whatever the fuck that means. _There, there? _I am an idiot.

But I'm not going to lie to you. It is nice being able to touch her. Even if she weren't wearing some indecent pregnant woman thing that my sister is going to get major thank-yous for. It's also nice that she likes me enough to come to me for support.

The water works peter out and she wipes her face on the sleeve of her robe. I'm still holding onto her awkwardly across the distance between our two chairs but she pushes against me lightly and I reluctantly let her go.

"I'm sorry, I just am having a hard time today," she mutters, looking down into her lap, clearly embarrassed.

"Bella, don't apologize. I…" she cuts me off right as I'm about to tell her, I don't know, something about how I worship her or something.

"It's just that I just graduated from high school and I'm having a freaking baby in less than a month and I don't even have a boyfriend or even a place to live after pissing my dad off today." She throws her hands up in frustration. I think about volunteering for the "boyfriend" thing but it feels a little predatory after she's been crying so I try to address the other issue.

"Bella, I don't know if you realized that Esme and Rose bought a distinctly girly bed for my old room." She sniffs and looks at me with a frown.

"Yeah?" She shrugs her shoulders at me.

"They want you to move in with us. Alice predicted that you would almost a month ago." Bella mumbles something like "fucking living Ouji board" and then takes a deep breath.

"It seems like a little bit much, Edward. Not that your family hasn't been really sweet to me but I don't think I could impose." I shake my head at her.

"Don't be ridiculous. They want access to your baby. Those two are total baby whores, they would do anything to be around for this." I gesture to her stomach. She frowns at me. "Not that they don't like you," I hasten to add. "But they really want to be around your baby." Bella gets a really small, really tired smile on her face.

"I guess I could, for a while. It'd be nice to have the help." I try to keep my enthusiasm off of my face.

"Excellent," I say, getting up and extending my hand for her. "Now, you need to get to sleep." I pulled her out the chair and made sure she was steady on her feet. She was looking at me with something I could decipher, maybe confusion? I raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?" I ask, looking at her deep brown eyes as they examine me. She shook her head and laughed lightly.

"You got deer or something right there," she answered, brushing her hand across the side of my forehead.

Great. I'm thinking she's looking longingly into my eyes and really I just have food on my face.

**a/n: Thanks to EverlastingMuse for betaing this. Also, thank you to the people out there pimping this thing! Ltlerthqak gave me a lovely rec in Giofogach and WriteOnTime continues to try to convince people I'm cool. Good luck with that.**

**I'm (cluelessly) on Twitter now so if you tell me your name I can harass you with my awkward tweets. Or you can just tell me how to use it.**

**What's cool is that my oldest and most obscure fic, "Edward Masen's 1918 Chicago Blues" has been nominated for a Vampie in the AU category. Which is awesome except that I'm up against some of **_**my**_** favorite stories so I'm not even sure I'm going to vote for myself! But you can check out some cool stories at http: / bit (dot) ly/h4HnsV and then vote for Cauchemar Vivant and Sins of the Piano Man. Thanks! JuJu**


	14. Behind the EightBall

**Chapter 13: Behind the Eight-Ball**

I am _thrilled_ that Bella is staying in our house. The only downside is that I can't visually stalk her while she's sleeping. I mean, I can hang out in the hallway outside my/her room and listen to her heartbeat and breathing and nonsensical sleep talking but I can't actually _see_ her. I guess you can't have everything, huh?

What is less than thrilling is the way my calendar is shaping up for this weekend. I was looking forward to just lying around at Bella's feet, fetching things for her, impressing her with my profound intelligence and sensitivity, maybe make her a milkshake or two. God, I mean that in such a suggestive way that I give _myself_ the creeps.

But what I really have to do, according to Alice, is take Bella over to her dad's house and, while Alice is helping her pack some things, have an uncomfortable conversation with her dad about my intentions with his daughter. Cool.

Alice drags me outside while Bella is eating the enormous and varied breakfast Esme has made for her. When I see what's in her head I start shaking my head vigorously.

"No way, Alice. That's just not going to happen. You set me up last night, who knows what's going to happen when I talk to the Chief." Alice puts her hands on her hips and points her finger at me. I hate that. I just know I'm gonna lose when she busts out the finger pointing.

"I "set you up' to have Bella under the same roof as you. Are you really going to pretend that you didn't get just what you wanted?" Oh, fuck. Air quotes. Plus, she's right. I hate that as well.

"Yeah, but it was uncomfortable," I whine. At this point I'm on the ropes. I've already lost this one.

"_Uncomfortable?" _ Alice's voice becomes uncomfortably shrill. I'm guessing that there are dogs in Seattle that can pick up on her frequency. "It was _uncomfortable _for you? Was it _uncomfortable_ for you when she opened up to you last night? Did it cause you _discomfort_ when she cried in your arms? Are you really going to play that card, Edward? Because I can stop trying to do all the work here for you and just leave you two to work it out on your own and maybe by the time her kid is going to college she'll be willing to share a toothbrush with you." Alice is pissed. I decide not to mention that I don't really need to brush my teeth.

"You are right, Alice. I'm sorry I doubted you. You've done nothing but help me out and I should just trust you." She nods, still squinting at me with annoyance.

"What else?" she says. This isn't my first time at the "Alice is right" rodeo and I know what comes next.

"I should consider myself lucky to have a sister so concerned about my well-being and desires. I am going immediately to get my credit card and buy you something to show you how much I appreciate you." Alice nods and then gives me a brilliant smile.

"Oh, Edward, I love them!" I see a picture in her head of the earrings I am going to buy her. At least shopping for Alice is easy, if expensive. If she's feeling generous she'll tell me where they came from so I don't have to spend the next three days searching the internet.

We drive over to Chief Swan's house in Esme's minivan so we have room for Bella's stuff. I figure it would be good to get used to the whole mini-van thing if I'm interested in a pregnant woman. Bella is not making a lot of eye contact with me this morning so I'm guessing she feels uncomfortable after opening up to me the night before. Alice fills up the silence. With annoying nonsense. Something about "Top Chef" and a trip to Montreal she wanted to make and the Grammies. I don't know where she even gets this shit.

I spend the drive repeating to myself "I am the world's most dangerous predator" over and over again to psych myself up for facing the Chief.

We arrive at the Chief's house and Alice and Bella scurry upstairs as fast as they can. Well, Alice scurries and Bella moves as quickly as a woman who's about to have a baby in a month can. They leave the Chief and I staring at each other.

"Chief Swan," I nod at him in greeting. He gives me the guy nod back.

"Mr. Cullen." I start whistling and looking around awkwardly. I know I have to initiate this conversation and I repeat to myself the line about being a dangerous predator one more time, just to give me courage to face the mustached terror in front of me.

"So, I was hoping we could have a talk, Chief." I try to give him my most charming smile. Go figure Charlie and his daughter are the only one's that it doesn't work on.

"Come on in," Charlie ushers me into the kitchen where he was apparently cleaning his gun when we arrived. Cleaning his gun and drinking a beer. Great.

"So," I take a deep and utterly unnecessary breath. "I thought you might be concerned about Bella moving in with my family and I was hoping I could alleviate some of those concerns." Charlie gives me a slight frown and then speaks.

"Well, I'm concerned about my daughter for a lot of reasons. No father wants to see his daughter pregnant at eighteen. And my Bella is a smart girl and I am afraid that she won't get the opportunities that she deserves if she's got a kid." I finally get something from the murky thoughts of Charlie Swan. I see him agonizing over his ex-wife's departure seventeen years before and then seeing Bella take her place in this house terrifies him.

"I understand completely, Chief." And I do. Most of the time the Chief's thoughts are hard for me to read but right now I get that he is just a dad scared that his smart, talented daughter is going to hate her life the way her mother did. That she will regret having her child and spend the rest of her life playing "catch-up."

"I want to tell you that my family and I appreciate how smart Bella is and we want to help her. My sisters and mother are really excited about being able to help Bella out with the baby and I'm sure that having them to help out will make it so that Bella will be able to go to school or do whatever it is she wants to do. To be honest, the baby is a pretty big selling point for them. Not that they don't like Bella, sir." I hasten to add. The Chief smirks at me.

"And how about you, son? Are you excited about helping baby-sit?" I know what he's asking and I remember that Chief Swan is more perceptive than he looks.

"Well, sir, between you and I, I am rather fond of Bella and am hoping that she will eventually feel the same way. But she doesn't share those feelings right now and if she never does, well, I'll accept that." Yeah, and then go kill myself. Somehow.

Chief Swan squints at me for a minute. "Well, Mr. Cullen, I'm going to trust that you and your family will do right by my daughter. I can see that you care about her. But if I hear any different you will hear from me." What he doesn't say is that he knows there's something different about me but can't put his finger on it.

I see clearly in that moment that Charlie Swan doesn't know what I am but he's got a hunch I'm not what I appear to be. But then he also knows that there's something up with his best friend's son, Jacob. Add into the mix the hostility the Quileute's have for me and my family and how much my sister and I have helped Bella and Charlie Swan is left wondering just how much he needs to know.

I can see in his head that the Chief has decided to trust me, not a lot, but at least for the time being, based on his instincts, and I am so grateful I want to thank him. Which would confuse the shit out of him because he knows I'm not human but hasn't even considered that I might be able to hear his thoughts. I manage to refrain from hugging him in gratitude but I decide to ask him something I've been curious about.

"I appreciate your trust, Chief Swan, but I have a question for you. I've asked you to call me Edward. Why do you always call me Mr. Cullen?" Charlie smiles.

"Well, I don't know how old you are." When he says this he gives me a momentary sharp look. "But you don't honestly look much older than 17 and I figured I'd try to give you a little credibility if I called you Mr. Cullen. You know, so that people might take you a bit more seriously as a detective." He winks at me and I look down at what I'm wearing.

"You mean, I've been wearing khakis and sweater vests this whole time and I still look like a teenager?" The chief laughs.

"Sorry, Edward, maybe if you grew a mustache or something." He strokes his own cop-like facial hair.

The women coming downstairs with some of Bella's stuff interrupt this episode of "Chief Swan's Makeover Show". Bella pauses at the bottom of the steps to see if everything is copasetic in the dining room, like that Charlie isn't trying to shoot me with his shotgun and then dodging the ricocheting bullets. When she sees that Charlie is smiling and I'm not cringing behind any furniture she smiles at me.

And just like that I'm the dumbest, most stunned man in the world, standing in the dining room of the Chief's house gazing at this girl like she's the Holy freakin' Grail or some shit. Seriously. I'm standing there locked in her gaze hearing birds sing and angels and shit.

"Hey, uh, Edward?" I hear my sister's voice cutting into my Bella-trance. "Can we get your help with this stuff?" I wake up from my coma and grab one of the bags Alice is handing me, totally embarrassed.

The good news is that we are able to get out of there without running into Renee, which Alice sees would be totally embarrassing for me. Unlike the rest of my life.

So we get Bella's room set up with her stuff but my sisters get all "You don't have any baby stuff" on her and decide to take her to Port Angeles to go shopping. I consider going with them but Emmett reminds me that while I want her to think I'm sensitive and nice to have around, I don't want her to think that I have a vagina. His words, not mine.

So I pretend I'm going to do manly stuff while they're out but really I'm going to hang out in her room and touch her stuff in as non-creepy a way possible.

I also spend some time doing some reading about pregnancy and birth and stuff, just so I know what to expect when it happens. Emmett and Jasper have been watching those reality shows where they follow women's pregnancies and stuff but really, that's a little too graphic for me. Some things cannot be unseen; you know what I mean?

"Do you think Bella is going to want us to film the birth?" Emmett asks. By now they have moved on past the pregnancy show and are now watching "Pawn Stars." I swear, that Rick guy has a buddy with like every area of expertise you could think of.

"I don't really see her being into that," I say from the dining room where I'm flipping through books on child rearing.

"Yeah, Bella's pretty private," Jasper says. He's still thinking about how her emotions have been getting harder and harder for him to read. Welcome to my world, Jasper. Bella and her baby are giving me total radio silence. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

"Not to mention that it's totally gross," I add. I mean, I love Bella and I'm sure that every part of her is beautiful but, just…no.

"Come on, Eddie, childbirth is a miraculous, beautiful act!" Emmett is just doing this to piss me off. Dick.

"I don't know, Em," Jasper looks contemplative. "Edward's already the oldest virgin ever. Having his first sight of a woman's, you know, be in the act of childbirth might turn him off sex forever." I look at Jasper, thinking about how mad Alice might get if I tore his leg off and hid it.

My phone buzzes. It's a text from Alice. **You can do better than that.** I think about convincing the family to watch "The Joy-Luck Club" again tonight. The last time was a classic. All the women in the house, plus Emmett, sobbing dryly and Jasper rolling in agony in the corner. My phone buzzes again. **That's better.**

**a/n: I didn't answer any reviews nor did I send out teasers this last week. Epic. Time. Fail. So if you didn't get a review reply or a teaser, don't be sad, it's not like I only sent them to the cool kids. **

**Not only am I telling myself that I will get them out this week but I'm going to try really hard to post on Sunday. Like in the good old days. Thanks for your reviews/love even if I lag like a mo-fo. JuJu**


	15. Someone to Watch Over Me

**Chapter 15: "Someone to Watch Over Me"**

So our house hasn't seen this much action since that time in 1949 when Rosalie lost her favorite earring and made life unbearable for us all until we found it. I still don't think Emmett has told her that he just bought a new one and passed it off as her grandmother's pearl earring.

There is baby furniture getting put together, stuff getting painted and Emmett and Jasper are even testing all the baby toys. They've been doing all this research on which toys are the safest, the most likely to encourage development of creativity and intelligence, the whole nine yards. Emmett is now swearing that the reason he was dumb enough to get almost killed by a bear is that all he had to play with were logs and rodents and stuff. And he insists that since the soldiers I loved to play with as a child were made of lead and apparently painted with, like, poison, he's surprised I lived to 17 and certainly must have deformed testicles or something.

Like I really need to be worrying about testicle deformities when I could be mind-fucking myself about whether Bella has no interest in me because she's not into guys who drink blood or it's my own personal brand of creepiness that puts her off.

So Jasper starts telling me how Bella's put me in the "friend zone."

"What the hell is that?" I swear he makes this stuff up. I mean, we don't sleep so he has plenty of time.

"Like, when she feels comfortable talking to you about stuff and sees you as a friend and not as a romantic possibility," Jasper explains to me.

"So, I should be less friendly? I should be more of a dick? I don't get what you're suggesting." My siblings really piss me off sometimes. I mean, those assholes had it easy. Jasper walks into a goddamn diner, for Christ's sake, and Alice just goes, "Oh, you're it for me," or whatever. Rose finds a half-dead redneck in the fucking forest, of all places, and that's it. Poof! You're mated. No dating. No sitting around wondering if the other person likes you or has you in the freakin' "friend zone" or the "you seem nice for a stalker zone" or whatever.

I don't really have a lot of opportunities to do anything but play hard to get over the next week or so anyway because my sister and mother are dominating Bella's time so much. They are barely even letting her come to work and when she does it looks more like a pajama party than a detective's office with all the women hanging out and talking newborn fashion choices and ergonomically correct strollers.

After two week of constant exposure to the women in my family she breathes a big sigh of relief when we get in the car to go to the obstetrician.

"Don't get me wrong, I love your family and they're doing a lot for me, but they haven't left me alone in two weeks." Bella relaxes into the seat of the Volvo and looks over at me curiously. "Are they always like this?"

"They are pretty excited about the baby. I'm sure Esme told you she had a young son who died and Alice and Rosalie never had a chance to have children. You are giving them an amazing opportunity."

Bella smiles. "Yeah, I'm glad you guys are so supportive. But Alice has been giving me pedicures. I mean, who's going to look at my feet? I can't even see them."

I have tons of questions I still want to ask but I am really wary of being overly intrusive. Luckily, Dr. Richards doesn't have that same compulsion and he asks Bella why the information hasn't been filled out on the father's medical history. He glances at me with embarrassment because he has apparently figured out that I'm not the father. Like with math or whatever.

"Uh," Bella looks at the ground, or as much of the ground as she can see from the exam table. She's clearly embarrassed.

"Is it necessary?" I ask. She shoots me a grateful look. Dr. Richards sighs.

"It would be helpful but not necessary. Perhaps you could send the father a form? That way if you don't wish to speak to him…"

"Yeah," Bella says quickly. "I can do that."

"It would be of benefit to you _and_ your child to know the father's medical history. I wouldn't bring it up otherwise. Obviously this is an uncomfortable situation." I can hear in the doctor's thoughts that he feels bad for bringing this up and then his next thought stops me in my tracks. "It's good of him to support another man's child like this. I wonder if he'll marry her?"

And there you have it. My new best friend, Dr. Richards OBGYN, has just given me a fantastic idea. Bella may not be crazy about me but would she turn down an opportunity to provide her baby with a stable home with a (vampire) dad? She said herself that it was difficult being pregnant and having no significant other. My selflessness knows no bounds. And, since I'm all noble and crap, she'll come to love me, right?

But time is of the essence and I have a little prep-work to do for this. I have to find my mom's ring in the mess of my hastily moved room. I also have to decide on timing. My instinct is to ask her before the baby is born, to capitalize on maximum emotional vulnerability.

It's a plan. Thank you, Dr. Richards.

Bella still seems a little uncomfortable when we leave my new best friend's office. I look at her with concern.

"Are you alright?" I ask, and she shrugs her shoulders at me.

"Yeah, that was a little embarrassing and I feel bad for making you look like a sucker like that."

"What do you mean?" I just don't get the way she thinks sometimes, it's really disconcerting. Like watching a clown buy beer.

"Well, Dr. Richards must think you're a pushover, dating a woman who's pregnant with someone else's baby." I shake my head vehemently and laugh.

"Actually, he thinks that I'm a really awesome guy for not caring about that." She looks at me with surprise. I nod my head. "Seriously. Dude thinks I'm like Mother Theresa or something." She laughs.

'Well, if you're continuing to feel saintly, can I ask you to do something for me?" I gaze at her, willing her to ask me to cherish her forever or make out with her or something. Which I would totally do.

"Can we go to a bookstore on the way home? I don't want to ask your sisters to take me on a shopping trip for fear I'd never make it home."

"Of course," I say, a little disappointed she didn't ask for something bigger so I could impress her with my largess.

While in the bookstore I try out walking a little closer to her and then listening for other customers thoughts about us. I am practically getting drunk off of the "What an attractive couple" and "They must be so happy. I wonder when she's due" thoughts I'm picking up. What can I say? This annoying ability has to be good for something, right?

Anyhow, the "finding the ring" part of the plan goes off without a hitch but I hit a serious snag on the getting time alone with Bella part. My family continues to dominate her attention and refuse to leave me alone with her. If I couldn't read their thoughts I would be sure they were doing it on purpose.

I finally get the opportunity I've been waiting for just five days before her due date. I am at the office brooding over word choices. I am really torn between romantic and practical. I mean, I want my proposal to be memorable and poignant and all that crap. And yet, I feel like I have a better chance of being accepted if I'm pragmatic. You know, "You would feel so much better if you had someone with a penis in your life so your baby will have a dad" kind of thing. But without the "penis" part, of course. I'm not a total animal.

I'm coming up with alternative word choices when I hear her in the outside office.

"Edward?" she calls out and I speed over to the door. She smiles when she sees me.

"Hi! I escaped from this family of crazed vampires. Can I hang out here for a while? Just for the quiet?" I laugh and nod.

"Of course." I am pondering whether this might be my opportunity. I go into my office and close the door for a second while I try to psych myself up.

I am less than thrilled by where the office comes in on the "romantic ambiance" scale and decide I'll ask her if she wants to take a walk. I figure I can find a better spot, a park or a spot in the nearby woods or really just anyplace that doesn't have an office supply cabinet in it.

I am fixing my hair futilely in the mirrored surface of my lamp, which makes my face look misshapen in a really unnerving way, and calling out to her, "Bella, do you want to take a walk or something?" when I hear a slight cry from the outer office.

I run into the office to see her leaning over the desk, clutching her stomach.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I am terrified. She takes a deep, shaky breath and looks up at me.

"Yeah, I would love to take a walk but I think it would be better to drive." I look at her in confusion. "Edward, I think I might be pregnant," she says with a slight laugh.

"I don't underst…"

"Edward, I think I'm going into labor. Can you take me to the hospital?" She looks at me like I'm stupid. Which I guess I am. Then when I realize what's happening I pick her up and start for the door.

"Edward," she says, as we get to the door. I stop and look at her with concern. "Let's not attract a lot of unnecessary attention by speed running through the street, OK?" I nod at her, so nervous I can't even respond.

I get her to the hospital at a somewhat natural speed. I figure I could talk Chief Swan out of any speeding ticket I incurred getting his daughter to the hospital.

What doesn't surprise me is that my whole family is already there. Goddamn Alice already knew, of course. I get Bella situated and tell her I'm going to call her dad and Dr. Richards. When I see Alice I give her the death-look and start to ask why she didn't bother warning me.

Before I even get the words out she grins. "The frantic rush to the hospital is a part of every new father's experience. I didn't want to deny you that." Which is actually kind of sweet, if you think about it.

"I'll make the calls. You go be with Bella," Alice shoos me back into the room and I sit back down with Bella.

The nurses step out of the room for a moment and I decide that it's now or never. I scoot closer to Bella and reach into my pocket for the ring.

"Bella, I don't want you to have to worry about anything, OK?" She looks at me a little distractedly. I guess this whole labor thing can be a real conversation killer.

"I want you to know that you and the baby are always going to be taken care of and," I take a big unnecessary breath while I get ready to pop the question. "I am hoping that you will do me the honor of marrying me." I bust out the ring and she looks at me in surprise. And then she clutches her hand to her stomach again and frowns.

"Edward, that is really chivalrous and everything," she stops to pant heavily. "But if you want to help me out you could get the nurse back in here and tell her that I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a baby, uh, now." She clenches her eyes closed and a whimper comes out from between her lips. I jump up frantically but Alice is already pushing the nurses into the room and ushering me out.

That didn't go as smoothly as I hoped but she didn't say no, right?

**a/n: S.M. owns it, EverlastingMuse betas it and I just make them dance like crazy puppets on the end of my maniacal string. Thank you, AGAIN, to my personal PR person, WriteOnTime, for pushing this insanity on anyone who will listen and/or can read. **

**Thank you for all the hilarious reviews. I think Tuesday is just going to be the new update day for this mess, I just cannot seem to make it happen on Sunday. JuJu**


	16. Mickey Finn

**The Red Eye Chapter 15: Mickey Finn**

Thomas Charles Swan, six pounds, eleven ounces, is a very special baby. And I don't just mean that in the "he's a special baby to me because Bella spawned him and I love her" way. Although that's true.

No, Thomas is a special baby because**, **once they finally let the anxious male vampires who've been pacing around outside the hospital room in to see his squirmy pinkness, we figure out why Jasper hasn't been able to sense Bella's feelings.

And yes, I said "vampires"**,** plural. As much as Emmett and I try to act like we wait around for human babies to be born every day**,** we are totally antsy and driving Jasper nuts. Even though Bella thought she was going to pop that baby out right away**,** that was really just a bunch of wishful thinking on her part. She ended up being in labor for like nine hours**,** and Jasper was clawing into the waiting room furniture and thinking about chewing the metal brackets that held the television up on the wall.

We kept trying to convince each other to leave**,** but no one wanted to miss when the baby was born**,** and then we'd start arguing and then Carlisle would have to come tell us that we were scaring people out of the waiting room and that he was going to kick us out.

So we would all calm down for like three minutes and Emmett would start watching some infomercial and I would beg him to change it and then Jasper would suggest that I go hunt or something and then Emmett would jump on the bandwagon and I would refuse and then I would tell Jasper to go hunt if he was so overwhelmed by my emotions and then he would refuse and then Emmett would yell that he couldn't hear his infomercial and then Jasper would yell, "What are you going to do with a fucking Pasta Boat anyway?" and then Emmett would start telling him and I would offer to buy him seven Pasta Boats if he would just get the hell out of here for twenty minutes and then he would say that _I _was the one being a dick and Jasper would say that we were _both_ being dicks and then we would all start yelling and then Carlisle would come back in and tell us that this was our last warning and we would calm down for like three minutes.

So it was a relief when Esme came out and said that Bella and Thomas were doing well**,** and that it was ok for us see her and the baby. I _might _have jabbed Emmett in the throat in my insistence to go in first. What?

So we go piling into her room**,** and Rose and Alice decide to clear out because it's a pretty tiny room and seven vampires seemed like a bit much. Chief Swan had been lurking with us for a while**,** but had had to go get some sleep.

Bella looked…well, I'd love to say that she looked great but**,** really? She looked like she'd been run over. But she looked pretty happy**,** and Thomas was just adorable. I mean, everyone says that babies are cute but**,** really**,** some of them just aren't. Some of them have misshapen heads or faces or that weird baby acne or too much hair. But Thomas was really cute, even if he was a little wrinkly.

Esme warned us that we could only stay for a few minutes**,** because Bella and the baby were tired.

Emmett kind of leaned over Bella and looked at Thomas. "Wow, he's really tiny, huh?"

Bella blinked at him and then gave him a half smile before saying, "Yeah, Emmett, they start out that way so they can fit into baby clothes." I laughed**,** and she looked at me shyly.

"Edward, do you want to hold him?" I am a bit torn by this. I really want to hold the baby because**:** a) it would help Bella to see me as an appropriate father substitute and**,** b) he's kind of cute and pink and that makes you want to touch stuff, right? But I'm afraid to hold the baby because**:** a) I might freak him out with my coldness or what a scary vampire I am and**,** b) what if I do it wrong and break him or hold him upside down or something?

I am wavering, staring at the wrapped**-**up lump in Bella's arms**,** when Esme takes the initiative and picks him up and hands him to me gently.

It's pretty amazing. He's all warm and tiny**,** and his eyes are part way open but he clearly can't really see anything**,** and he just does drooly things with his mouth. I'm pretty sure I'm staring at him like he's made of frickin' diamonds or something.

_You look like a total pussy right now! _Emmett smirks at me. I glare at him. I don't really care about how much of a pussy I look like; I mean**,** I have already been totally emasculated by proposing to Bella and having her blow me off**,** so I figure my balls are already on sale in the gift shop down stairs.

"Emmett, why don't you hold him," Jasper suggests**,** and I can tell he's got something on his mind because he's looking at Thomas and I speculatively. I give him an inquiring look**,** but he signals to me to hand Emmett the baby.

Which I do, reluctantly. Then Jasper gestures to Emmett and thinks, _Can you hear Emmett's thoughts?_

To my surprise, the vapid inner workings of Emmett's mind are suddenly dimmed way down. Not gone**,** but much quieter. I look back at Jasper. He shakes his head subtly. _I can't get a strong read on his feelings, either._

"Jasper, do you want to hold him?" Jasper shakes his head when Esme asks him. "Not yet. I will**,** though." He smiles at Bella**,** who doesn't seem offended. Actually, she seems kind of comatose so Esme ushers us out of there and insists that we leave the hospital before Carlisle comes back**,** because he's apparently a bit angry at us for the damage we did to the waiting room.

We reluctantly bid Bella and Thomas goodbye, neither one of whom seem to care that we're leaving, and go home.

"So, I think that Thomas is some kind of shield, but he can shield thoughts and emotions and he can do it by touch." Jasper says to me once we're in the car.

"Yeah, that sounds right. Except it's not perfect. I could get a little bit of Emmett's idiocy**,** but I had to probe for it," I add.

"Dude! I knew you wanted to probe me!" Emmett says. Of course. I can't even get irritated because I walked right into that one.

"This is interesting. We'll have to talk it over with Carlisle."

"Are you able to pick up Bella's emotions now?" I ask Jasper. He nods.

"Well, you'll have to let me know what's going on there sometime**,** because I am clueless." Jasper looks a little embarrassed at this. He rubs the back of his neck, like he's got, what? A vampire itch?

"Yeah, the missus mentioned that you got yourself shot down." I shake my head in disbelief.

"She saw it happening, huh?" I ask. Jasper laughs nervously.

"Yeah, but she said that it was 'necessary,'" Jasper does these little air quotes. Which look as effeminate as you might imagine they do. Emmett laughs.

"I don't know if it was 'necessary' for Eddie to get rejected anymore than he already has been. I mean, the guy's already…"

"You know, Emmett," I interrupt. "I'd like you to reflect on your marriage before you start talking about rejection. I don't know if you recall 1987? You know, when your wife made you sleep outside for like six months for making fun of her dress?"

Jasper laughs and adds, "Yeah, remember that time in 1972 when she made him wear that light blue suit because it matched her earrings! And then he got too close to the candles and…"

"Ok! Enough!" Emmett roared over our laughter. "I'm sorry, Eddie. I hope your human agrees to marry you**,** or at least get freaky with you. It'd be nice having her and the baby around."

"Yeah, I'm thinking we could just have you carry him around in a snuggly or something so I don't have to feel your feelings of rejection and angst all the time." Jasper says to me**,** as he pulls up to the house and we get out.

"Dude, you know what a snuggly is," Emmett starts snickering. Jasper shoots him a dirty look.

"Yeah, that won't look weird or anything. A vampire with a baby strapped to his chest." I roll my eyes at Jasper**,** even though the idea has a sort of sick appeal for me.

So Esme gives me the heads-up that proposing to someone while they are getting ready to give birth is probably not excellent planning. I wish someone had mentioned that before**,** but I figure I'll just wait until I can talk with Bella again so I can reiterate my offer.

With my usual selflessness and altruism**,** I figure the sooner the better. I mean, what better time to offer to rescue a woman than when she's in the throes of her initial few weeks of caring for a new infant? It's like vulnerability-city, right?

Except that my family has nothing better to do than to hover around her and the baby**,** like**,** all the time. And they don't sleep. After two weeks**,** Bella finally tells them that it might be a good idea if Thomas learns what it feels like to be in a crib or bed.

"I swear, this kid is never going to learn how to sleep without being held," she shakes her head the third time Rose came into her room in one morning to hold him. "You guys can't hold him until he's sixteen. He'll have to learn to walk if he ever wants to date, right?"

Rose laughs, embarrassed, and pulls Emmett with her out of the room Bella and Thomas share.

"Can I stay if I promise not to pick him up?" I ask her. Bella smiles at me.

"Of course. I hope I didn't offend Rose**,** but this baby needs to know how to go to sleep without someone holding him."

"Of course," I nod. Bella is checking her email and I hear her give a little sigh.

"What's up?" She looks at me with a minute frown on her face.

"It's Jacob Black. The...my other supernatural friends want to see Thomas**,** but they don't want to come out to 'Castle Dracula.' They want me to bring Thomas out there."

My temptation is to scream "Absolutely Not!" and throw a big tantrum here but I doubt that's going to go over well, given that I have**,** like**,** no right to boss her around.

As nonchalantly as I can**,** I say, "Well, when you're ready to start introducing Thomas to the outside world**,** I can drive you as far as town. I'm not really welcome on the rez, though."

"Thank you. I appreciate that." Bella starts to type a message back to the smelly teenager. I wander around with forced casualness until she's done and then I say, as lightly as I can, as if I have no opinion as to her answer, "Have you given any thought to what we talked about?" Bella looks at me blankly for a moment. Then a flicker of recognition comes across her face.

"Yeah, Edward. I think it's a great idea. I told you that a month ago," she shakes her head at me with a smile.

"A month ago? What are you talking about? I just asked you twelve days ago." I frown at her. Did a marriage proposal slip out of my mouth when I wasn't paying attention? Is that even possible for a vampire? I mean, we don't forget anything**,** and we don't do drugs. Except that time that Emmett ate that lion that Jasper had given a massive dose of animal tranquilizers. That was the year that Carlisle said we couldn't go on any more safaris.

"You're talking about switching us over to Macs, right?" Bella looks at me like I'm stupid. Which I might be. It all depends on how much time and energy you think is worth spending on a girl who exhibits little or no interest in you. I don't think I want you to answer that.

"No," I look at her pointedly. Then I gesture to my ring finger and raise my eyebrows at her. A look of chagrin crosses her face.

"Oh, that," Bella says quietly, looking embarrassed. She's embarrassed? "I hope you didn't think I was rude, I was a little distracted." I wave my hand at her dismissively.

"No, Esme explained to me that the timing of my question was poor. I _would_ like to know what you think." I am the picture of cool, waiting for her to respond.

"Well, Edward, I think that you are really a gentleman**,** and I appreciate your kindness and your concern for Thomas and I." She pauses and I know I'm totally getting shot down again. The image of a warplane, plummeting to ground, belching flames and oily smoke fills my head. And by "warplane" I mean "my heart."

"Don't you think that marriage should have...Don't you think that people should marry people that they are attracted to? I think that intimacy is an important part of a good marriage." She is incredibly uncomfortable about having this conversation with me and I am about to jump out the window so I don't throw myself on the ground and try to cry.

She's not attracted to me. She doesn't want to marry me because she wants to have an actual sex life with someone who isn't me.

I think I manage to leave the room without being a total abrupt dick**,** but I'm not sure. I go downstairs and am getting ready to storm out of the house like the heartbroken adolescent that I am in this moment**,** when Emmett claps a hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry, Sport," he says, with genuine sympathy.

"You heard that? Great!" I shake him off and keep walking towards the door. Not only did I get shot down for real by the woman I'm sure is the love of my endless, ridiculous life**,** but my whole family probably heard it. I hope there's a campfire nearby so I can throw myself into it, regardless of how many Boy Scouts are watching.

"Look on the bright side," Emmett says, following me. Right now the only "bright side" I'm seeing is that campfire. I'm about to ruin someone's rendition of "Kumbaya."

"Emmett, I am so skeptical about there being a 'bright side' to this," I slow down slightly only to take out some of my frustration on my brother. It's like "emotional tag."

"I just got an email from the cousins. They're coming down early to check out the squirmy one. They'll be here next week."

"How is that good? Tanya trying to stick her tongue down my throat all the time is only going to make me more miserable!" That's it. I'm going on vacation. Anywhere. The surface of the sun is looking pretty good right now.

"Well, sometimes women don't appreciate something until someone else has it. Maybe if Bella thinks that you and Tanya are an item**,** she'll realize that she wants you after all." Emmett sounds pretty sure of himself. But then he sounded pretty confident about that whole "your vintage 1968 Mustang will totally function as an off-road vehicle" thing back in '94. I still miss that car.

I stop and look at him warily. "Do you think it'll work?"

Emmett shrugs his shoulders. "What have you got to lose?"

Only my pride, potentially the respect of my family, and - if Tanya gets the wrong idea - the contents of my stomach and/or my virtue.

It's worth a shot.

**a/n: I don't own it but that doesn't stop me. Thanks to my brand-spanking new beta Betham for making this prettier. That really long run-on sentence at the beginning is totally all my artistic pretension, she has no responsibility for it. She chewed through her pencil trying not to fix it!**

**Thanks so much for your patience! I actually lost my calendar and forgot that yesterday was Tuesday! Thanks for all the reviews! (that I reply to on a intermittent basis just to keep you guessing) JuJu**


	17. Kiss Me, Deadly

**Kiss Me, Deadly**

Tanya, Irina and Kate arrive the next week in a cacophony of luggage and swarming cloud of perfume and a stampede of their high-heeled leather boots. The sisters are the truth behind the succubus myth**,** and they are like sex on legs. Watching them walk into the house is like watching a music video.

That is, until they see Thomas. At which point they drop their bags, squeal**,** and start begging to hold him. It's pretty entertaining to watch, actually. Thomas is drooling on Irina's suede coat and pulling Tanya's hair**,** and they adore him. Seriously, the next time I start a business I'm going to rent human babies to vampires. He's like vampire crack.

I've been making myself a little scarce in my profound embarrassment about throwing myself at Bella and having her shoot me down. I'm just not sure how to proceed, to be honest. Vampires don't just change their minds like humans do. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck like this now. The only thing I can think of to do is to try to wear down her resistance with my continuous, unrelenting presence. Romantic, huh? Maybe I'll throw in some candles.

Plus, Alice is no help whatsoever. She gives me just enough encouragement to not give up**,** but not enough to make me feel any better. She just keeps saying that she needs to stay out of it. And then blocking me with the most annoying thoughts. I mean, she _knows_ I hate Virginia Wolfe.

Day two of the occupation rolls around and I'm sitting in the living room, reading Sherlock Holmes - my version of comfort food - when Bella comes in with Thomas. Apparently**,** she was able to wrest him away from his vampire fan club by explaining that he needed to eat.

"Hi, is it ok if I stay in here?" she asks me shyly. I nod. "Of course," I say, gesturing to the other couch**,** but she takes a seat next to me and stretches out, to my surprise. She props herself up with her head next to me on a bunch of those annoying little throw pillows that Esme is in love with. It feels oddly domestic and cozy.

Bella lulls Thomas back to sleep and then lets out a yawn.

"Will you read to me?" she asks, looking at me over her shoulder. She could be asking for my leg and I would give it to her if she asked like that.

I read to her for a few minutes before she interrupts me.

"Edward? Irina and Tanya and Kate? They're not really your cousins, right?" She's twisted herself around so she's looking at me.

"No. They're not sisters, either. It's just that we prefer to think of ourselves as a family rather than a 'coven.' That's what groups of vampires usually call themselves**,** but they tend to be wilder, more aggressive. I think it has to do with us not preying on humans. It makes us more peaceful, able to have caring relationships." You know, if we can get anyone to go out with us. But I'm not bitter.

"Oh," she says**,** but I can tell she isn't done. "So if you wanted to have a relationship with one of them**,** you could."

I nod. She frowns at me.

"Then why don't you? I mean, they're beautiful and they share your, you know, values and they seem really nice. You could be, what do you call it? Mates?"

"Well, you don't _chose_ a mate, Bella. Someone is your mate or they're not. It's like the concept of soul mates. You don't control it." I take a deep breath. Bella pushing me on the sisters is just making me miserable. It's like your wife signing you up on an online dating site. Uncomfortable.

Speaking of misery and discomfort, Tanya walks in at just that moment. She sees us and pauses, a curious look on her face. I can't read what she's thinking**,** though**;** or**,** rather, I can't decipher it. It's a series of faces, men and women. And Tanya's been around for**,** like**,** centuries**,** so she's known lots of people. I don't understand the context**;** but then**,** sometime, the murkier Tanya's thoughts are the less likely I am to be grossed out.

"Hi, Tanya," Bella says**,** and she gets up. "I'm going to go take a nap." She picks up Thomas gently and leaves the room.

I frown at Tanya. Then I remember I'm supposed to encourage her advances.

"Hey, Tanya," I say, giving her a smile that I hope is alluring and not creepy. I'm not exactly an experienced flirt.

"Edward, I'm sorry I interrupt," Tanya's Russian accent hasn't gotten weaker in centuries of speaking English. When I've questioned this**,** she's said, "Man does not care what comes out of my mouth, really, just what goes in," accompanied by some really frighteningly specific porn imagery. You can see why I've learned not to ask her too many questions.

"No, it's no big deal. You weren't interrupting anything." I wave my hand casually**,** and she looks at me with a frown. I take a step closer to her and touch her elbow.

"Come sit down, Tanya. Tell me how you've been." I give her another smile and Tanya shakes her head with disgust.

"You know I always like you very much, Edward?" She crosses her arms and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. I nod.

"I decide last time you turn me down, you are little boy, not interested in such things. Now I see you have grown up, you have woman you love." Tanya gestures to where Bella had been sitting. "And you give me smile? Say 'Tanya, talk with me,' like you do not have pretty girl who likes you? I think you are very stupid, now."

"You don't know what's going on here at all, Tanya**.**" God**,** she pisses me off! She can't even be counted on to be appropriately slutty! "Bella has _no_ interest in me."

"So you are doing clumsy flirting with me for no reason?"

I shake my head. "Emmett said that maybe if she saw someone else being interested in me**,** she would change her mind!" Wow, saying it out loud like that really makes it sound dumb.

"You think Emmett is stupid for many years now**,** but you decide to listen to him? Both of you are stupid men." Tanya is shaking her head in disgust. I have disgusted Tanya. Tanya, who has shown me her purchases from adult book stores. Tanya, who lived through the middle ages. Tanya, who has lived in Las Vegas. This is a new low point for me.

"I'm sorry**,** Tanya. It was wrong for me to manipulate you like that."

"I don't care you manipulate me. It makes me angry that you are smart man and acting very stupid." She makes a huffing noise at me. "I try to fix things for you. You promise not to screw up with little Thomas's mother."

"Tanya, she doesn't like me. I proposed to her. Twice. She said no." Tanya glares at me.

"Edward, I have sex with many, many people. Men, women, vampire, maybe other things." I shudder at the image that pops into Tanya's head. "I am not mind-reader but I know liking person." She turns away in a huff and walks out, probably to giggle with her sisters about what a moron I am. And then have sex with something.

I'm not going to lie, at this point, given the choice between staying at home so more people can make fun of me and going to work where I can at least pick the music, I go to work the next day. Plus the house is getting pretty crowded**,** and I've mentioned that I'm living in a closet, right?

So I return some calls and check emails and just generally pretend I'm a productive member of society. The problem is that I am totally unmotivated by being here, fighting crime, when Bella's in MY bedroom, potentially nursing. Yeah, I know that was pervy**,** but give me a break.

After two hours of pretending I care about my job**,** I understand people who abuse office machines. This is really soul-deadening when you want to be somewhere else. I guess if I was out there detecting or whatever it'd be different.

Then I get a text message from Alice: **YOU'RE AT WORK, RIGHT?**

I key in: **YES. WHY?**

I get no response. **WHY? **I type in again.

They've probably just decided to move the "bag on Edward" party to a new location. I sigh and go out to the office to see if I can find the name of the website designer Alice asked me to call. I'm rummaging through the drawers of Bella's desk when I hear someone coming up the steps.

The door opens and Bella walks in.

You know how I said that watching the cousins enter the house was like watching a music video? Well, this is like watching one of those scenes in the movies where you hear music and time slows down and there's a wind machine and stuff. Which is crazy because I'm a vampire and I don't get disoriented or experience auditory hallucinations. Still, that's what happens when Bella walks in.

She's wearing some kind of denim skirt and a button-up shirt and I only notice this because she looks really…well, I don't want to use the word "nice" because she looks better than "nice." It's kind of a sexier outfit than I've ever seen her wear. I am staring at her legs because I think it might be only like the third time I've seen them**,** and then I realize that I'm staring at her legs so I try to move my eyes up to somewhere they might stay respectably when they get caught on her breasts. Which is not a more respectable place for me to stare but she's got like one more button unbuttoned than she normally would and so then I'm staring at her cleavage because I'm a pig.

When I drag my eyes up to her face I expect to see disgust or anger or something but she just looks mildly surprised.

"Hi," she says. "I convinced them to let me come to work for a few hours. I was getting cabin-fever." She smiles at me and starts to walk towards where I am at her desk.

I realize that the thing that's different is that Bella has made more of an effort with her appearance than she usually does. I suspect Alice. I mean, I think that she always looks pretty**,** but today she's got make-up on and I've never seen her dressed like this. She's usually pretty casual. In fact, there's been quite a few tense moments since she's moved in where she insists that new mothers have the right to dress like slobs and Alice tells her that she has vampire nannies so she has no excuse to look like a hobo.

She has to walk around me to get to her desk chair and, to my surprise, she runs her fingers lightly across my shoulders as she passes. I look at her curiously.

"I was just looking for that guy's number that Alice wanted to do the website." I glance at her as she turns on her computer. I really should think about getting her a Mac. After not being turned on for almost a month**,** her PC is taking a lifetime to do virus scans and shit.

"I think I have an email from him," she says, tapping her fingers as she waits. She smiles at me again and this time I get a subtle eyelash flutter. I swear I have taken hallucinogens. Vampire LSD. Hallucinogenic toad blood.

"Yeah, uh…great**.**" I watch her warily as she opens up her mail program. She pulls up an email and points to the screen.

"Is this it?" As she points to it she slides the computer towards the edge of the desk closest to her, effectively blocking it with her body. I am forced to stand up and lean across her to see the email. Despite my super-vampire vision**,** this puts me level to her cleavage. Which I am staring at. Then I look at her face to see that she isn't looking at the computer**,** either. She's watching me watching her boobs. I am perplexed.

"Yepthatlookslikeit," I say, jumping up and hightailing it into my office, as only a totally confused undead teenager can. I start pacing, pulling on my hair and contemplating calling Alice to try to figure out what the hell is going on with Bella. Damn her impermeable, lead-lined skull!

I spend a half an hour not doing any productive work unless you count wringing my hands and spying on her as she answers email. I am tapping my fingers on the window sill and still trying to figure out what to do next when she walks into the office. She leans against my desk and does that hair-toss thing that girls do**,** except that I've never seen Bella do it before.

"I don't really have anything pressing to do," she says, with that slow smile and little eyelash flutter thing again. "Is there anything I can do for _you_, Edward?" The inflection she puts on "Edward" is the final nail in the "she's not really flirting with me, is she?" coffin. Or maybe it's the emphasis on "_do_."

I look at her for a moment, considering my options. Then I walk towards her slowly, tilting my head at her curiously. When I get to where she's leaning on the edge of my desk**, **I lean forward and put my hands down on either side of her, trapping her.

"Bella, …are you _flirting_ with me?" She looks at me wide-eyed for a second**,** and then tentatively nods. I nod, taking this new plot twist in.

"Do you mind my asking why?" She looks intimidated but I refuse to let her off the hook. I proposed**,** for Christ's sake! Twice! She can handle a little embarrassment.

"I, uh…didn't really understand that you were…interested in me. It just seems a little improbable, what with you **...**" She makes a gesture in my direction and raises her eyebrows. 'And I'm…" She points her finger back at herself and makes a slight huffing noise. "You know what I mean?" I nod again slowly, planning my next move. I am so far out of my comfort zone I might as well be selling Tupperware right now.

"So," I lean in a little more. I can hear the increase in her heart rate. "Does this mean that you're willing to consider…" She cuts me off.

"Going out on a date with you?" she asks, with a smirk.

"Uh, yes, of course," I realize that I have been premature. Humans go on dates; vampires see each other and skip the "dinner and a movie" stage and go right to picking out overcast locales to live in. I take a deep breath and start over.

"Bella, I wonder if you would be willing to go out on a date with me?" She smiles at me. It's like stepping into the sunlight from a dark cave. No bat jokes, please.

"I'd love to," she says. I grin at her. She smiles back at me until eventually she is forced to clear her throat and gesture to the fact that I have her trapped against the desk. Not that that's a horrible place to be but, again, I get ahead of myself.

I step away from the desk to let her go back to work. She gives me another smile.

"So, um, I guess you don't have anything else for me to do?"

"Just go out with me," I answer. She nods and looks around.

"So, I guess I'll get going," she says. "I'll see you at home?"

I nod at her, still grinning like an idiot. 'Yep," I say. "Is six o'clock tomorrow night good?"

She smiles. "Um, yeah, that would be good. I can't be out for too long, though"

"Of course," I say. "Thomas."

"Yeah, uh, because of Thomas." She is backing towards the door. "Well, I'll see you at home."

I just stand there with my hand up, waving goodbye to her, stupid grin on my face.

Then**,** suddenly**,** she walks back in and leans up and kisses me on the cheek. She smiles, blushing, and runs back out.

I, on the other hand, have just gotten my first kiss from a girl. So I just stand there like the complete dumbstruck freak that I am.

**a/n: Thanks to Betham for being the coolest, bestest beta ever! She brings the joys of commas into my life. I only got to about half of my review replies this time, I figured you guys would rather see the update, right? So, sorry if I didn't get to you.**

**I don't usually write for causes because I just can't see asking people to PAY to read my writing, but I am in California so I volunteered to write for Fandom Fights Tsunami to raise money for the Red Cross's efforts in Japan. I was thinking that I would do Bella's POV for one of the chapters of this. So, let me know which one you want to see? The site is: ****http :/ fandomfightstsunami**** (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**

**Thanks! JuJu**


	18. Forget it Jake, It's Chinatown

"**Forget it Jake, It's Chinatown"**

So, I have this list of things that I have to talk to Bella about:

1) The fact that I watched her through her bedroom window at night for several months.

2) The fact that, if the Volturi find out about her, we'll all be in big trouble.

3) The temptation that I have to track down Thomas's father and kill him.

I have my list written on a spreadsheet on my computer since the whiteboard seems a bit indiscreet. It's color-coded, and I have spaces to fill in when I talk about each item so I can have that sense of achievement you get by checking something off your "to-do" list.

In the meantime, I have a shorter and somewhat more pressing list of things I have to do before tomorrow night's date.

1) Figure out an appropriate date activity for a new human mom and her vampire date.

2) Find whoever talked to Bella and thank them profusely.

3) Get totally anxious about my apparent lack of wooing skills.

4) Think about all the physical contact I want to have with Bella and then get totally frustrated because I'm inexperienced and a vampire and I'm convinced it's never going to work.

The tenor of this particular list started to go downhill fast, so I abandoned it and went online and ordered flowers. Which was apparently the right thing to do, because I immediately got a call from Alice.

"Nice job. She'll love them." Alice reassured me.

"Are you sure? I was going to get a bigger arrangement, but…"

"No, that one would be too much. It'd be annoying. So, there's a theatre showing 'Chinatown' in Port Angeles tomorrow night at 6 pm. You could get dinner afterwards at Bella Italia or you could get Chinese and eat it back here. I could set up a table on the porch for you guys and kick the vampires out so you could have some privacy."

"What's the better choice, Alice?" I'm not even gonna _pretend_ to trust my own judgment on this one.

"Mu Shu Pork out on the patio. A lot more privacy, and Bella won't be as anxious about Thomas. We'll go hunting."

"Thank you, Alice. I owe you." A thought occurs to me. "Are you the one who talked to Bella?" Alice laughs.

"No, that one was all Tanya. You should thank her."

"Yeah, I will." This almost makes up for that time she took me to that party in San Francisco in 1978. Almost.

Things are strangely quiet when I get home. The cousins have gone to spend the night in Seattle with Alice so she can take them shopping, and Carlisle's still at work. I find Bella with Thomas in her room. The room formerly known as "my room."

"Hey," she says, smiling at me sweetly. I try to keep my eyes averted in case she's nursing or some shit, but then I realize she's not. She's just talking with him quietly and playing with his hands.

"What are you telling him?" I take a seat on the couch.

"I was just, uh, telling him about his family. I read this thing that said that talking to babies is really important. Something about their language acquisition."

"So you're telling him about Charlie and Renee and stuff?" I ask, in my best passive-aggressive fashion. Yeah, Bella, tell me about Thomas's family. Please.

"Well, Charlie and Renee and you guys," she says. "I hope that's not too presumptuous."

"Hello? Marriage proposals?" I hold up my left hand and point at my ring finger. "How could you be overstepping after my two marriage proposals?"

"But those weren't real," she says, her voice dropping lower when she notices that Thomas is falling asleep.

"How do you know they weren't real?" I whisper at her. "Do you think I'm just trying to get the tax deduction?"

"I think you were trying to be a gentleman, trying to take care of Thomas and I," she whispers back at me, blushing. I shake my head at her.

"You don't get that I…" I am trying to think of a good verb to use. "Worship" seems a little over-the-top. "…_like_ you, do you?" She shakes her head this time.

"I know you _think_ you like me, but you don't really _know_ me that well, Edward."

I am about to rebut her argument with evidence gleaned from many evenings of stalking, but I am saved from my own stupidity by Esme coming in.

"Bella, honey, I made you some dinner. Let me hold Thomas for you." Bella hands the baby over with a smile and tells us she's going to go clean up for dinner.

I wander downstairs and out onto the patio where my siblings are sitting. They do that sudden silence thing where you can tell that they were talking about me.

"What?" I say, looking around at their faces. Emmett and Rose argue with their eyes for a second while Jasper looks at the ground.

"We were just thinking that 'Chinatown' might not be a good choice for a first date," Emmett finally spits out.

"_Emmett_ thinks that it's not a good idea. I don't see the problem." Rose flips her hair over her shoulder. "I mean, it's one of your favorites and you want her to get to know you, right?" I nod.

"It's just so depressing and that ending and the incest…" Emmett trails off.

"I think it's an amazing homage to film noir. Didn't it win an Academy Award?" Jasper asks.

"Yeah, Best Screenplay. It lost Best Picture to 'The Godfather II'. Eleven nominations, though." I tell him. "Plus, Bella likes Jack Nicholson. She and Alice were watching "The Shining' and she said she thought he was a good actor."

"So rent 'As Good As It Gets'! I just think it's such a depressing movie for a first date."

"Ugh, 'The Shining'. _That _was a scary-ass movie." Jasper shudders.

"I know, right?" Rosalie's eyes get wide. "When those two little girls show up in the hallway?" Jasper nods emphatically.

"Can we get on topic here?" Emmett says. "I'm trying to save Eddie from making a big mistake! He got Best Actor for 'As Good As It Gets.' It's totally first-date appropriate."

"Who do you think will remind her of Edward more?" Rosalie asks Jasper. "The gay artist or the guy with OCD?" Jasper laughs.

"Probably the dog." He and Rosalie laugh as Emmett and I glare at them.

"What's so funny?" Carlisle steps out onto the patio.

"Edward wants to take Bella to see 'Chinatown,'" Emmett tells him, like he's tattling on me. Carlisle grimaces.

"Roman Polanski, huh? You're not worried about the whole sexually assaulting a teenager thing?"

"That was _after_ he made 'Chinatown.'"

"Wait, what about making me get rid of my Cat Stevens CDs after he endorsed the _fatwa_ on Salman Rushdie? You're such a hypocrite!" Jasper's the one upset this time.

"That was an excuse. I told you that because Cat Stevens sucks."

"I liked the 'Harold and Maude' soundtrack," Rosalie says, thoughtfully.

"Anyway, it was Alice's idea to go see 'Chinatown.'" I turn to Rose. "And that soundtrack's good the first time but it gets seriously annoying after that." She shrugs her shoulders.

"Alice told you to take her to go see it?" Emmett looks at me skeptically. I nod.

"Have any of you ever _been_ on a date?" I look around at the circle of my family. "Because, seriously, I am getting a lot of advice from some people who found their life partners in morgues and stuff. No offense, Carlisle."

Carlisle smiles. "None taken. Esme must have dated her first husband. You could talk to her."

"What about me?" Emmett says. Rose huffs at him and rolls her eyes.

"Yeah, getting drunk and kissing your cousin after the big harvest doesn't count."

"Yeah, and your experience was so much better? I seem to recall…" I see what Emmett's about to say and I know I have to stop him. I grab one of the wrought iron patio chairs and, yelling, "What's that?" and pointing up into the sky, I bash him in the knees.

"Goddamnit! What was that for Edward?" I take off into the woods and Emmett follows me, fuming, pulling mangled bits of chair off his shins.

Running ahead of him, I yell, "You realize how stupid what you were about to say was? You're really going to comment on her fiancé assaulting her?" Emmett slows down as he realizes that I just saved him a ton of marital grief.

"Oh, yeah, that would have been bad. Thanks, bro." I slow down to let him catch up with me and he slaps me on the shoulder. "You really saved my bacon there."

"Yeah, no problem. It's kinda lame to have to repair the house after you guys fight. Plus, I can tell you're just trying to help me with Bella. Even if you're completely wrong and ridiculously misguided."

"Yeah, I want her to get to know you, but maybe just the cool parts first? Then, once she loves you back you can let her know what a maladjusted, emo loser you are."

"Thanks, Em,"

So the next night I decide to do the traditional date thing and knock on the front door, instead of just her/my bedroom door. Call me old-fashioned.

Bella looks lovely and she thanks me for the flowers, which were delivered while I was at work. We get in the Volvo and start to drive to Port Angeles. I'm pretty pleased with myself that I don't need to have the windows rolled down.

"Have you given any more thought to going back to school? You know that my family would be thrilled to take care of Thomas while you're in class." Charlie has been mentioning it every time he comes over to see them.

"Yeah, I think that I will, but I'll probably wait until the spring. I don't think that I want to be away from Thomas all day until then." I nod, all the while working out the logistics. If she is in school surrounded by human boys all day, what if she decides she likes guys with pulses? What about when she wants to get her Bachelor's Degree? She can only take her lower division stuff in Port Angeles at the Community College, she'll have to move farther away eventually. What then?

I figure it would be an easy sell to get my family to move closer to wherever she goes, but how cool is she gonna think it if I am following her to all her classes? Which reminds me that I haven't mentioned my nocturnal observation habits to her yet.

"Edward?" She touches my arm. "Are you ok?" I look at her and realize that I was totally sitting there mind-fucking myself. While on a date with Bella. I'm doing something that I've wanted to do _forever_ and I'm spending the time being a neurotic freak.

"Yeah, I was just thinking about some stuff. Sorry." I smile at her. I spend the rest of the drive telling her about the movie we are about to see. Minus the parts about the director liking teenage girls.

Bella actually really likes "Chinatown", although she admits that the ending is kind of depressing. Which leads to a good conversation about what I love about film noir; the idea that even some of the worst-seeming characters can do something to redeem themselves. I think it bodes well for me.

She even let me hold her hand for the second half of the movie.

We arrive back to a relatively quiet house.

"Where is everyone?" she asks. I listen for a minute.

"Esme and Carlisle are upstairs watching Thomas, and everyone else has gone out for a few hours. There's dinner on the patio for you."

"What about…" I interrupt her.

"Esme will come get you if Thomas needs you." She nods, and I lead her out to the patio. My sister - my favorite, brilliant, perfect sister - has outdone herself. The patio is lit with candles and dinner is set out for Bella. She must have timed it perfectly, because the food is even still warm.

"So I have to ask, what did Tanya tell you that made you, you know, do…"

"Flirt with you awkwardly?" I nod. Bella bites her lip and fidgets with her food.

"She told me that she's been trying to get into your coffin for, like, sixty years and that I should, um, stop being stupid." I laugh.

"I have to admit to being a little preoccupied lately," she continued. "And you're, you know, gorgeous and immortal and stuff. Why would I assume that you were interested in me?"

"I showed up at prom and threatened your date." I look at her with my eyebrow raised.

"He was being a pig. You're a gentleman."

"Not really," I say, before I can stop myself. She laughs and takes another bite of her chow mein.

"Anyway, you can hardly blame me for being skeptical. I'm a teenage mother. I'm quiet and plain and come with stretch marks and I can't date without a babysitter. I'm not really the best catch." She smiles at me ruefully.

"You're beautiful and brave and smart and I love Thomas almost as much as I love you." There. It slipped out. She's frozen with her chop sticks mid-air. I desperately tried to think of a way to stuff the words back into my mouth or pretend I was quoting movie dialogue or had been temporarily possessed. No dice.

"I…uh…I'm…" Bella's mouth opened and closed several times in surprise. I decided that I had committed to this course of action and that I would follow it through to the bitter end.

"I know you _think_ it's because I don't know you that well, but I actually know you quite a bit better than you think. Do you remember when you first moved here and we saw each other in front of the bookstore?" She nodded. 'Well, Emmett and Jasper had to come get me, because Alice saw me biting you, you know, drinking your blood." She nods again.

"You're what they call a 'singer'. It means your blood smells way better to me than anyone else's. So we decided that we had to keep track of you, you know, so I wouldn't encounter you on accident and eat you, and the more I learned about you, you know, from our surveillance, the more I liked you." Bella was just kind of frozen there, with a look I would describe as shocked, horrified, confused chagrin.

Fuck it, I figure as long as I've shot myself in the foot I might as well cut said foot off and set it on fire, too.

"Then I started keeping an eye on you at night, you know, hanging around outside your bedroom window."

"We also stole some of your sweaters. So I could get used to your scent."

"Which totally doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, I quite like the way you smell. And everything else about you."

The longer she's quiet, the more I seem to say.

"I know I'm making you uncomfortable but I don't seem to be able to stop talking and I'll just, uh, I'll just go away because I probably seem even creepier than I already did, you know, being an old-ass vampire and everything."

She holds up her hand and takes a deep breath. After a moment she speaks. A long moment.

"That's a lot to take in, Edward, I'm sorry I, uh, I just need to…" She puts her fork down and gets up. "I had a really nice time, but I'm having a little trouble with some of…I need some time to think about…_You watched me through my bedroom window?_" Her voice gets louder and she's mad. Like, really mad.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, No, wait. I'm not sorry about that." I get up to face her, because I figure this might be my last chance to explain to her who I am. "I mean, I am sorry because it was wrong to violate your privacy like that and you're clearly a very private person. But, I'm not sorry because I fell in love with you and I'm 110 years old and I've been frozen in this lonely teenager's body for like 90 years. You have no concept of what it's like to feel unchanging and alone. And my family are all mated and happy and in love and I just sit there with my books and movies and 1950's jazz. And then this pregnant teenager shows up and she terrifies and fascinates me and the more I get to know her the more I realize that maybe I don't have to be like that anymore."

Bella is frozen, watching me. I sigh and slump back down into my chair.

"So I don't expect you to love me back and I understand that you're angry and I know that this is a lot to ask but I have never asked for anything, never wanted anything for myself. And I want this. I just want to take care of you and Thomas. You two make me feel like there was some point to this whole long-ass meaningless existence. You make me feel. Period. Do you think you could let me take care of you guys and just pretend you don't think I'm a total creep? For just a little while longer?"

I stop talking and just watch her. She's got a different set of emotions running across her face and I'm certainly hoping that one of them is pity.

Then she takes a step closer.

"I'm still angry that you were watching outside my window. That's pretty unnerving." I start to talk but she holds up her hand again.

"Let me finish, OK?" I nod. "You're right, I'm not in love with you. You've had a little bit of a jump on me, you know?" She smiles, and I manage to pull my face into something that I hope looks like a smile. "I am still getting accustomed to the fact that you even look at me that way. I'm going to need some time to get used to this." I nod, because she's not saying she's leaving. That's good news, right?

"If we're going to do this you need to be honest with me, and no more weird stalking shit, right?" I nod. She said "do this"! Does that mean she's staying? I open my mouth to ask but she raises her hand again.

"You need to let me get to know you and we need to talk about some stuff, right? Like Thomas's dad and, uh, vampire stuff." She gestures to me as she says this and a blush appears on her cheeks.

"What kind of vampire stuff?" I ask with a smile. I have a feeling I know where she's headed, but I want her to say it.

"I, uh, I don't really want to be in a relationship with someone that I can't, you know, be intimate with." Her face is in full-on flames now and I stifle a laugh. I am less successful at stifling the other reactions my body is having to this conversation.

"Bella, I don't know how it works with a vampire and a human." She nods at me, wide-eyed. "But I think that, if you're willing to do a little _research_, we can figure it out." I may not be the smoothest undead creature in the world, but I can tell I got to her with that. I can hear her pulse speed up and her eyes get a little distant.

"You know, when you're less mad at me and all," I say, nonchalantly. She blinks at me and then smiles.

"You know, this was a pretty awful first date." She takes another step towards me.

"Yeah, I've never done this before, and Alice didn't warn me about my attack of hideous honesty." I run my fingers through my hair and stand up. I should probably walk her back to her/my door or something.

"Bad first dates really should not end in a kiss." She is still smiling at me, and she moves closer. She is doing that thing that she does when she's trying to flirt. It's pretty cute, but seems misplaced right now.

"Oh, God, no. I should actually get slapped or something, but I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"Still, I think we should try. You know, for _research_ purposes." I suddenly realize what she's saying, as improbable as it is. She wants me to kiss her. I'm not even thinking about saying no.

She steps to within arm's reach and I put my hands on her shoulders to gently pull her closer. She's standing in front of me with her face tilted up, and I think that maybe I should have done a little more research before this particular bit of _research _so I don't mess this up. But there's no time and I'm going to have to wing it.

"Hold still, OK?" I don't think I'm going to have any trouble with the smell of her blood, but I figure this will be easier if I'm not trying to hit a moving target. She nods and waits for me to move.

I take her chin in my hand and lean down and slowly, slower than I've ever moved, press my lips against hers. She's so soft and warm and after a few seconds she moves her lips slightly against mine and if I could die I would think I had and gone someplace way cooler than heaven, because, you know, harps and white robes are totally not my thing.

Way too soon, I feel her pull away slightly and I stand up (yeah, uh, nevermind) and look at her face. She has a thoughtful smile.

"You know, Edward, I think this might work out fine," she says to me with a wink, and she turns to go back into the house.

**a/n: Lots of things to discuss here, sorry! First of all, Betham? She's the bestest beta a girl could want. Seriously. Also, I neglected to thank the lovely and talented WriteOnTime for the loan of Tanya's accent in the last chapter. Not only is her Tanya in "Breaking News" actually really likeable but WriteOnTime looks great in a sandwich board drumming up readers for this catastrophe. I have no words.**

**I have to shout out to the delightful ladies of the UU for inspiring the conversation about artist's personal flaws/actions and the impact that has on your enjoyment of their work. They had the patience to talk me through a moral crisis without laughing at me. (too much) **

**Thanks for reading! JuJu**


	19. The Third Man

**The Third Man**

I am relaxing in my office, wondering if Bella would be interested in watching "Double Indemnity" with me that night when, horrifyingly, I find myself staring at Rose's pointing, accusatory finger.

I jump up so quickly that my rolling chair goes flying towards the wall. It bounces off of said wall, denting it, and shoots off at an angle. It actually makes me think that Emmett, Jasper and I could play a gigantic game of pool with cars and an abandoned warehouse. I don't have much of a chance to enjoy my brilliant new idea before Rose's finger pokes me in the nose. Hard.

"What are you going to do about it, Edward?" She is in full-on fury mode. I have no idea what I did to get her this mad, but I haven't seen her this mad (at anyone who wasn't Emmett) since Jasper had that freak-out in New Hampshire in 1988. We had just moved there, and Rose had this huge closet, and she was furious about having to leave. Like it's a _good_ idea for a vampire to go to a hockey game.

"About what?" Rose's head fills with images of Thomas. _Are you just going to let someone take him away? _I honestly don't know if Rose's yelling is worse out loud or in my head, but both are unpleasant. I am filled with apprehension, both from Rose's anger and the thought that someone would take Thomas away.

"Who's going to take Thomas away?" Someone's going to try to take Thomas away from a bunch of vampires? Really?

"What if his…biological father decides he wants to be a part of his life? They have rights, you know. What are we going to do then?" Rosalie has a good point. My initial impulse is to track him down and kill him, but I'm pretty sure that would upset Bella. Plus, it's morally wrong. Which I am perfectly willing to disregard if it wasn't also going to make Bella upset.

"Well, clearly we have to do something, but I don't really want to plan anything without Bella being involved." Rosalie looks at me with such disdain that I'm tempted to look in the mirror to see if I've suddenly turned into Emmett or something.

"If we're going to do something…_permanent_, I don't think we should involve her." Rose looks at me pointedly. She has images of us pushing a faceless, generic teenage boy off of a cliff.

"Well, I'm trying this new thing where I tell Bella the truth about stuff so that she actually trusts me."

"Why?" Rose totally doesn't get it. I ask her, "Don't you tell Emmett the truth about stuff?"

She snorts at me. "You're kidding, right? Emmett and I have been together for, what, seventy-five years? Do you really think that's because I tell him the truth when he asks me if I think he's smart, or if I ever think about other guys, or if I think that his poetry is good?"

"Emmett writes poetry?" This I have to see. Rose shakes her head.

"Yeah, mostly limericks. Although he did go through a little haiku phase when they made that Mishima book into a movie. You know, the one where the kids attack the guy? Remember he went through that Japanese phase?"

"Oh, yeah. I was trying to block it. That whole sumo wrestling thing was just a little disturbing." Rose nods.

"Tell me. If I wanted to be married to a guy in a diaper, I wouldn't have had Carlisle change him, you know?"

"Rose, he was dying."

"I don't know. You know how he exaggerates. Maybe a couple of bandages and a tourniquet and he would have been ok."

Just then Jasper comes in. "Did you ask him?" he asks Rose. She nods.

"Well, what do you think we should do?" Jasper asks me. What got everyone all worried about this today of all days I don't know. Like there was a "baby repo man" driving through the neighborhood or something.

"Jasper, do you tell Alice the truth about everything?" Rose asks.

"Don't have to. She already knows. Anyway, I think we should get a lawyer," he says. "Someone in family law who can help us figure out what rights the sperm donor has and how to take them away. If we can't do that, then we kill him."

"I've been to law school," Rose says with a pout.

"Yeah, so has Emmett. Kind of takes the wind out of your sails, doesn't it? Anyway, you haven't taken the bar exam in Washington and I don't want to screw this up by having dubious legal representation." Rose nods, agreeing reluctantly. "I'll call Bella and see if it's ok for us to make an appointment with a lawyer."

Esme answers the phone when I call home and she goes to get Bella.

"What's up, Edward?" she says, slightly breathless. Which would be hot, except that it's probably just from coming in from the back yard.

"Hi, Sweetie, how are you?" Rose rolls her eyes at me while Jasper smirks. I don't care. Seriously.

"I'm good. Did you need something? I was just about to teach Emmett how to change diapers."

"Yeah, um, I was hoping that it would be ok with you if we set up a meeting with a family lawyer. You know, to deal with any potential issues that might come up around paternity?" There's a moment of silence and suddenly I'm totally feeling Rosalie's advice about honesty. Never a good idea. And then she speaks.

"Yeah, that would be a good idea. I actually know a good lawyer I can call. I'll see if he can come to the house so everyone can be there, ok?"

"Yeah, that sounds good." I get off the phone and usher Rose and Jasper out of the office before writhing around in jealousy for a few minutes. Totally unreasonable, I know, but I am irked. If Bella has to know a lawyer I would much rather it be a nice woman.

I manage to give myself the "it's totally not a big deal" talk before I get home, which is a good thing because apparently Bella's attorney friend has an incredibly open schedule and will be coming by tonight. The cousins are on a trip to Vegas for the Adult Entertainment Awards or they could be a useful distraction for her "friend."

"Bella, honey, your friend eats food, right?" Esme asks from the kitchen.

"Yeah, Esme. Are you going to make something?" Esme nods, pulling some vegetables out of the refrigerator. Esme's getting pretty good at the whole human food thing. Bella helps her while I hold Thomas. I get him out of earshot of Bella so I can say "daddy" to him repeatedly while pointing to myself.

All I'm really getting out of him are giggles, though, and I'm hoping he eats something besides boob soon so I can start bribing him; or reinforcing desired behaviors, if you prefer. I hear a car pulling up in front of the house.

I look out the living room window and am struck by this overwhelming sense of deja-vu when I realize that not only is Bella's mechanic a wolf, but so is her lawyer.

Actually, I don't think he's an actual, transforming, furry, clothing-destroying wolf, but he's definitely Quileute. He is probably too old to have gotten caught in the genetic lottery; he looks like he's in his late 20's. He's wearing a pinstriped suit and sunglasses. He pulls a briefcase out of his Lexus convertible and looks around the outside of the house with a slight smirk.

"Bella, your shyster is here!" Emmett comes thundering down the stairs wearing a suit and wingtips. I guess Emmett's decided to trot out his lawyer costume.

There's a knock at the door and Rose walks over to answer it. She sees him and says, "You're kidding me, right?"

Bella's friend smirks at her and then pokes his head in and looks around. He sniffs the room and winces.

"Jesus, it smells like someone boiled a Strawberry Shortcake doll in corn syrup in here!" Bella comes in from the kitchen and smiles at him.

"Quil! Thanks for coming out. I'm so glad you agreed to help us!" She gives him a hug and I only keep myself from growling by reminding myself that I'm holding Thomas and I don't want to frighten him. Bella pulls away from him and faces the rest of us.

"This is Quil Ateara. He's a family lawyer in Seattle, but he was nice enough to come out to meet with us." She starts introducing him around the room and we try to be gracious. To his credit, he knows that we aren't thrilled, but he is polite as introductions are made. She introduces me last.

"Quil, this is Edward." Quil smiles at me. _"The boyfriend, huh?" _I am momentarily taken aback, but I give him a nod as I extend my hand as much as I can and still keep from jostling Thomas. He takes my hand and shakes it.

"This must be the cause of all this fuss," Quil says, gesturing to Thomas with a smile.

"That's Thomas. Do you want to hold him?" Quil gets a look of fake horror on his face and waves his hands helplessly. "Oh, God, no. Never touch the stuff." He looks around and gestures to the couches in the living room. "Shall we get started?" Esme gets him seated and goes off to get him a drink. We all take seats. I pull Bella down next to me, and she takes Thomas from me with a smile.

"So, if I understand correctly, we are meeting to determine what rights Thomas's biological father has?" He pulls out a yellow legal pad and a pen and looks around at the collected faces in the room.

"I think that our major concern is that Thomas stay with us. I don't want to deny anyone their parental rights, but I don't think that…" Esme's voices drift off as she imagines us having to share him.

"Well, frankly, Esme, I think we _should_ be thinking in terms of denying people their parental rights. I mean, first off, you guys have money. What if this guy…" his voice trails off as he gestures to Bella for the name. She pauses before saying, "Tyler" quietly. He continues, "What if this guy Tyler sees the kind of money you guys obviously have, and decides to sue for custody just to get his hands on some? Even worse, what if he decides to sue for visitation and he spends enough time around you guys to pick up on the freak-factor? It's a bad idea all around and, I'm sorry, Bella, but the smartest thing to do is eliminate any possibility of that right away."

My family is silent for a minute and then I say, "Well, I agree. Is that alright with you, Bella?" I look at Bella.

"Well, wait until I finish," Quil says. "The other issue here is that you don't want to just snuff this guy or cut him off completely. What if, God forbid, Thomas were to need a kidney or some bone-marrow? What if Bella wants Thomas to be able to seek out his father when he's older? I think what we need to do here is get the sucker to sign a binding agreement that says he relinquishes his custodial rights, but will make himself available in the case of one of these scenarios. Does that sound acceptable?"

I think I love this guy. If I had suggested snuffing "Tyler", Bella would have been furious. But you get a legal professional - using the term "professional" loosely, of course - saying the same thing, and she actually looks convinced.

"It sound right, but how are you going to get him to agree to this?" Bella speaks cautiously. Quil smiles at her.

"Well, as your legal counsel, I am going to suggest a two-part approach. First, you scare the shit out of him in some creepy vampire way, and then you give him a ton of money. I don't know this clown, but I'm going to wager that it'll work."

Alice breaks the second stunned silence with laughter. She nods at us, and then gets up and walks over to Quil. She holds out her hand.

"Let me take your coat, Quil. You've got a contract to write." He grins at her and slips out of his sport coat. "Emmett?" he says. "You look like a discriminating professional. You got a laptop or something I could use?" Emmett jumps up and goes to get his computer. "Esme, Dollface, can I get another scotch?" He holds up his glass for Esme and she happily obliges him.

Bella looks at me. "I guess that means it works?" She has a slight frown on her face. I reach out and smooth out her frown gently. "Yeah, Alice saw it working. We're going to Arizona."

"So, Bella, this guy is a…satyr, an orc, maybe a leprechaun?" Bella laughs. "No, just a human teenager." Quil makes a note and looks up at her again, "Is he listed on the birth certificate?" She blushes and shakes her head. "No, I left it blank. He can still prove paternity through a test though, right?"

Quil nods his head. "I'm going to suggest that you amend the birth certificate to list tall, white and thirsty here as the dad. I mean, if that's amenable to you, Edward?"

I nod carefully, trying not to get up and kiss this guy. I couldn't have scripted this better if I had tried. I look at Bella, trying to see if she's ok with the idea. She looks wary, but she nods as well.

"Great. I can see the resemblance, now that you mention it. I mean, you both only drink fluids, right?" Quil winks at me. Just then Emmett comes downstairs with his computer.

"Hey, Quil, what's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?" Quil smiles at Emmett. Great, Emmett's started on his lawyer jokes.

"One is a slimy, bottom-dwelling, scum-sucker. The other's a fish." Emmett laughs at his own joke and, surprisingly, so does Quil.

"Emmett, what do lawyers use for birth control?" Quil asks him.

Emmett yells, "Their personalities!" The two of them are howling with laughter.

Quil wipes the tears out of his eyes and says, "Ok, one more. These two attorneys are walking out of a bar and a beautiful woman walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and says 'Boy, I would like to screw her.' The other attorney thinks for a second and then he says, 'Out of what?'" Quils eyes get wide as he remembers that Bella's in the room. "Oh shit, I mean, shoot, Bella, I'm sorry!"

Bella laughs and waves a hand. "It's ok, Quil. I'm glad you like each other so much."

Quil smiles wryly and says, "Yeah, don't tell Uncle Billy. I mean, he knows I'm doing this, but he was just all about protecting _your_ rights. I don't think these guys are going to take advantage of you, even if they are, you know." He waves his hand at Emmett and I.

"Fuck-awesome?" Emmett says with a smile. Quil laughs. "Yeah, that and, dead and stuff."

Quil and Emmett get to work and Rosalie comes down to join them. I follow Bella upstairs to put Thomas down. He's spit up on her sweater and she's trying to clean up. I watch her ministrations for a minute quietly.

Finally, she looks at me somewhat warily. "Should I even ask what you guys are going to do?" I smile at her and put my hands on her upper arms.

"Bella, I will tell you the truth if you really want to know. But I don't think that you do." She rolls her eyes.

"I should just trust you, huh?" I nod.

She smiles at me sweetly. "I trust you."

Well, it's not the three words I'd most like to hear but it'll do for now.

**a/n: This chapter is dedicated to Nitareality, Criosa and MeerNaamJoker. You guys know why. I need to thank Betham for betaing this, even though I sent it to her at the last minute! Thank you to everyone out there pimping my ridiculousness, especially the sublime WriteOnTime.**

**And since I know everyone's dying to see it, here's one of Emmett's limericks:**

"_**There once was a woman named Rose,**_

_**Who saved me from death I suppose.**_

_**That bear left me for dead,**_

_**Carlisle bit me instead.**_

_**She's hot when she takes off her clothes."**_


	20. Stranger in Town

**Stranger in Town**

Going to Arizona in the summer is not exactly an easy thing for a group of vampires to do. But then, traveling with infants is hardly a piece of cake, so I try to keep the whining to a minimum.

It was actually Bella's idea to come with us. She explained that either Renee would come here to visit, or Bella could visit her in Phoenix - and the nice thing about being the visitor as opposed to the visitee is that you could decide when to leave. I conceded to her superior wisdom, and I wanted her and Thomas to come with me anyway, so it was win-win.

So Bella, Thomas and I flew with Quil, Rosalie and Emmett down to Phoenix, which took some maneuvering to avoid the sun - including a chartered flight, timed carefully for both the sun and Thomas's sleep schedule - and some big-time tips for housekeeping at the hotel so that they didn't decide to pop in during the day and catch me sparkling next to the window.

Alice had given us enough information from her vision to know where we could find Tyler, but we thought it best to do a little information gathering anyway. Good thing we had a private detective in the family, huh?

It's funny that we have Bella's ex-boyfriend all built up to be this ultra-bad guy or mythological figure when really he's just a guy. Tyler Crowley is a 19 year-old Phoenix native with divorced parents and a Nissan Sentra. He is registered to attend Arizona State in the fall and currently works at one of those places that sell nothing but baseball caps. Who knew one of those places would get that much business? American males are not known for accessorizing creatively. Not that I don't enjoy my Cub's hat. But I usually wear it just to hide my glitter-scalp.

His DMV photo shows him to be completely ordinary. An average guy: dark brown hair, dazed DMV smile, 6'2, which means he's probably 6', right? OK grades in high school, one parking ticket and one moving violation (45 in a 30 zone) and pretty mainstream taste in music, if his iTunes purchases are any indication. His Facebook page shows that he had what looks like two and a half girlfriends in his senior year, but none of them were Bella. Interesting. Of course, not having to look at pictures of him with his tongue down Bella's throat means that he may survive my trip to Phoenix.

Of course, I get to do all this research in the comfort of my hotel room while poor Bella has to drive over to Renee's place in the Arizona heat to visit her. Poor thing. Unfortunately, Alice saw that if we invited her over here to visit, she would eventually wonder why we had the shades drawn all day. Not that she'd guess that we're vampires. Her suspicions would go more to drug dealers or porn producers.

It's just getting dark when Bella gets back. She looks miserable, sweaty, tired, and hot. And not in the good way.

"Tell me why people live in the desert?" she asks, wiping her brow and dropping the enormous bag she has to carry around in order to care for Thomas. Seriously, it makes no sense to me that she needs a bag that weighs three times more than he does.

"Because they're morons," I answer, thanking Alice silently for calling an hour ago and telling me to turn up the A/C.

"It feels great in here." I nod and take Thomas from her. She looks at me for the first time. "What are you wearing?" I look down at the Alice-approved outfit. I have a dark striped shirt and black jeans on. She also insisted I use hair gel and then Skype her while she told me how to style it.

"Alice's doing," I say, gesturing to the clothes and the hair. "It's to ambush Tyler." She nods slowly at me. I am trying to see if it's awkward for her when I mention him, but she's not giving anything away. Typical.

"You look…nice," she says. I raise an eyebrow at her as I walk into her room to find soap for Thomas. "Nice?" I say over my shoulder. Bella follows me into the bedroom.

"Yeah, uh, you look good when you brush your hair," she says with a grin, as she spreads a towel out on the bathroom counter and fills up the sink.

"Why don't you take it easy and I'll bathe Thomas?" She looks surprised but she nods.

"Actually, I'm going to take a shower," she says. Dear God, why did I get the suite with two bathrooms?

"Sure," I nod, hoping I'm hiding my disappointment when she goes to the other bathroom. Because I know I'm a pervert but she doesn't need to know that.

I get Thomas bathed and in his jammies and take him back out to the living room. I locate a bottle in the refrigerator, get creeped out for about the 25th time about breast milk, which is totally hypocritical if you think about what I eat, and settle in with Thomas.

"Did you see crazy grandma today, Buddy?" I ask while he eats. "Do you miss vampire grandma?" I am cooing at him when Bella comes out of the bathroom wearing the best argument for living in this city I have ever seen, a pair of what look like blue boxer shorts and a tank top. Less clothing than I have ever seen her in, just in case anyone who isn't me is measuring.

She curls up on the couch next to us. I hope she doesn't catch me ogling. Too much. Then I decide that some ogling on my part might be flattering to her.

"I don't really want to know what you guys are up to tonight, do I?" she asks, smiling at Thomas as he eats.

"Nope, you are totally going to be happier not thinking about what's going to happen," I reassure her.

"It's just that you look like you're going out clubbing or something," she gestures to my outfit.

"Yeah, that's where Alice saw us finding him." I like the anonymity of 'him." It'll make the process of depersonalizing him so much easier, just in case I have to snuff him.

"Oh." Bella looks away for a second and then back at me. "You are doing such a good job with Thomas. Are you sure you don't mind the whole birth certificate thing?"

"Not at all. You know how I feel about Thomas."

"It's just weird that you'll be listed as his dad when we've never even…you know." Bella waves a hand in between the two of us, which I guess is the universal gesture for "getting it on."

"Yeah, it's kind of like a virgin birth but the other way around."

Crickets.

You ever think of something really funny to say and _then_ you say it and _then_ realize that it would be really funny if it weren't so fucking embarrassing to you?

Yeah, I have. Just now, as a matter of fact.

"You're kidding," she says, staring at me. I stare back, frozen, until I hear the wet gurgle of Thomas finishing his bottle. Which reminds me again that Thomas has had more action than I have.

"Oh, look, I need to burp him," I say gleefully, as if this were the high point of my century on Earth. I stand up and pat Thomas on the back as if it requires all of my attention.

And then Thomas is saved from being burped to death by Emmett knocking on the door to let me know it was time to go. I give Bella a quick, quasi-apologetic smile and hand Thomas to her.

"See you later. I've got ex-boyfriends to stalk." I give Bella a wave and get out the door as fast as I can.

Alice did a pretty good job of finding the club we'll stalk Tyler in but she had a hard time pinning down a time, so we have to hang out a bit longer than I want to. And, in reality, five minutes is really longer than I want to hang out in a club. But Emmett and Quil are having a good time; Emmett by beating frat boys at darts and Quil by collecting his winnings.

I am sitting at the bar keeping an eye out for the sperm donor, keeping the seat next to me open by glaring at anyone who comes by. The mental content of this place is pretty annoying, but at least it's consistent. In the hour we are there, seven women and three men come by to try to talk to me. I politely turn them away.

Finally, Tyler Crowley shows up and, as Alice saw, he takes the empty seat next to me and orders a coke. He turns back around in his seat and looks at the crowd. I catch his eye.

"How's it going?' I say, raising my "drink." Again, I am stunned by his ordinariness; he is…so average, both in appearance and thought, that I am shocked that he dare approach my sublime Bella.

"It's alright. You?" he says, eyeing me. He wonders if sitting next to me is a good idea, whether he will appear unattractive next to someone so handsome, and then decides that he might be able to catch the attention of women that I turn down. And then he is embarrassed for thinking I'm handsome.

Then, right on cue, a young blonde with like half of a skirt on walks up to us and asks me to dance.

"No, thank you. I am completely disinterested," I answer, and she makes a huffing noise and rolls her eyes as she walks away.

"What was that, dude?" Tyler looks at me in amazement. "She was really hot!"

"I already have a girl. Would you like to see a picture of her?" I give him my widest smile. Tyler is thinking there's something wrong with me, but he humors me.

I pull out my wallet and take out the picture of Bella and Thomas that we took before we left Forks. I place it on the bar.

"That's my girl and our baby," I say with evident pride. Tyler looks at the picture diffidently and then does a double take. I can hear the confusion in his head as he recognizes Bella. He looks back at me with fear in his eyes. Emmett has made his way over to us and stands on the other side of him.

"Do you like blood, Tyler?" I ask, as he notices the gigantic man on his right, also grinning like a crazy person. He turns back to me.

"What?" he says. His thoughts are getting a little desperate and he's wondering why no one else has noticed how weird we are.

I continue talking, keeping my tone light. "Because that little boy isn't my blood, but if anyone tried to take him away…Well, I'd be furious. I frankly don't know what I'd do. Something crazy, probably." Tyler is staring at me. He's put it together now that Bella had the baby, and that she then apparently took up with some kind of well-dressed Charles Manson. Crazy vampire smile wins again! Emmett and I did spend some time practicing at home.

"We good, Tyler?" I ask, picking up my picture and slipping it back into my wallet. He nods slowly. I take another card out of my wallet and throw it on the counter. It had the address for the hotel and the conference room number where Quil and Rose will meet with him. "Tomorrow at noon. Don't be late." He nods again as Emmett gives him a pat on the back and we walk away. There is no way he's not going to show up for that meeting, where Quil and Rosalie will have him sign an exquisitely crafted document they've been working on for two days. You know, the one that makes it so he has no rights and plenty of obligation? And they say _we're_ the monsters.

I slip back into the suite quietly so as not to wake the human but about a minute later she comes out, rubbing her eyes, still wearing her "look Edward, I'm not wearing a lot of material" pajamas. Me and my eyes try to keep it respectful.

"Why are you up, Bella? It's almost one am."

She looks at me earnestly. "I wanted to talk about what you said earlier. About never having…you know." Great. I was hoping she would have forgot. Humans forget shit, right?

"We don't have to," I say, flopping down on the couch. She comes over and curls her body up about a foot away from me.

"No, I want to. I don't want you to be embarrassed about it. I was just surprised. I mean, a hundred years is a long time." Yeah, you tell _me_, Bella.

"It wasn't, really. I just didn't have any interest in…you know." She frowns slightly.

"Edward, I like you. You know I do. I just don't think I could be in a relationship that didn't have any…intimacy. If you're not interested in that with me, I don't…" I cut her off before she can say any more blasphemy.

"You think I don't want to have sex with you? Are you kidding?" I didn't mean it to come out like that, but she blushes and the color drifts all the way down to her, well, you know.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I should have said "make love" or something more respectful. But, yeah, I want to do that with you. And a bunch of other stuff. I just never have before because I didn't have anyone that I wanted to do that stuff with."

She reaches out and takes my hand. Ah, Bella's hand. I remember our brief love affair in the OB/GYN's office. I have slightly higher ambitions now, but it's totally better than not touching Bella at all.

"Edward, I think it's really sweet and incredibly…" she looks down and blushes even redder, "…just really _hot_ that I'm the only person you've ever wanted. Is that wrong?" She looks back at me, embarrassed. "I mean, I wouldn't have wanted you to be lonely all those years, but I'm really flattered that you waited for me. Does that make sense?"

I nod slowly. I have no words, only urges that seem like really bad or potentially awesome ideas right now.

"I _would_ wish that I had waited for you, but then we wouldn't have Thomas. If I hadn't had sex with some dumbass who can't use a condom right we never would have met, so I can't really regret that, right?" I nod. The more she talks about our potential sex life the more I think it's a really good idea to either get the fuck out of here or beg her to fool around with me. I just can't seem to get the words together for an appropriate advisory warning in case she doesn't want to get jumped on at one o'clock in the morning.

"You should probably…" I manage to get some combination of words out, but she shifts closer to me. Which shuts me up again.

"Hold still," she says. "I want to try something." I am a statue. I am those steel and cement things that they use to stabilize bridges. Big-ass bridges, not some flimsy wooden shit.

She moves closer to me and presses her mouth to mine. She then takes the hand she was holding and places it on the back of her neck. She presses her lips against mine again and moves them slowly. And then she lets out this tiny, glorious moan.

"God, I love how cold you are," she says and, totally in defiance of any orders she may have given, my other hand comes over to her waist and pulls her into my lap.

She sighs and pushes her hands into my hair as she kisses me. The rebellious hands are under control for now and manage to stay wrapped around her neck and waist, respectively, but they are thinking about mutiny. The Army Corp of Engineers would be embarrassed by my inability to stay still, and I'm mixing my metaphors and I don't care.

It's sublime, having her in my arms like this, and I think about moving to the desert if it means that she will appreciate my coldness all that much more, when I become aware that the hand that was stationed on the back of her neck is making his way around to the front and she is wiggling in an attempt to get closer.

And then, like the voice of reason in a diaper and Arizona Diamondbacks pajamas, Thomas wakes up.

She groans and places one last kiss on my face and smiles gloriously at me.

"Sorry," she says, getting up and walking into the bedroom.

I follow and stop her for a moment. "Don't be sorry. We have nothing but time."

She grins at me sleepily and I'm leaving to let her feed him when it occurs to me what we need to talk about next. There is no way that I want to ever let them go. Not now, not in 60 or 70 years. And I don't know how she feels about becoming like me.

Inter-species dating is a bitch, huh?

**a/n: Thank you to Betham for betaing the bejesus out of this one and all the sweet, funny, awesome reviewers who I didn't respond to. Again. **

**Also, somewhere around chapter 10 I told someone that this would be about 18-20 chapters long. Apparently, I lied. I would try to estimate again for you guys but I don't want to be known as a **_**habitual**_** liar so I won't. It will have between 5 and 45 more chapters. Probably closer to 5. That's all I got. Thanks! JuJu**


	21. To Have and Have Not

**To Have and Have Not**

I don't generally go around with a profound sense of self-satisfaction. There's lots of our kind who feel like the top of the food chain and all-around winners most of the time. I'm not really like that. But this morning, I _am_ the finest tiger in the jungle. I got this whole thing _nailed_.

I totally had a make-out session with Bella.

I am as close to paternal-rights monopoly as I can get without actually spawning Thomas.

I am _way_ better at changing diapers than Emmett.

I'm so good at the whole baby-maintenance thing that when Bella wakes up I tell her that I'll watch Thomas while she goes and signs the papers. I am hoping that she can get in there early enough to sign them without having to see Tyler.

Thomas and I are kickin' it with some jazz and some John D. McDonald - I figure the Travis McGee books will help him learn his colors – when I get a text from Quil.

**YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET DOWN HERE, SPORT. YOUR GIRL IS REFUSING TO SIGN.**

I stare at my phone for a minute, waiting for the message to change into something else or for Quil to send one saying he was just fucking with me, because fucking with vampires is a cool thing that it seems like he'd be into doing.

Nothing happens, so I close my book and Thomas and I take the elevator down to the second floor conference rooms. Why in the world would Bella refuse to sign? It makes me anxious; I wonder if she has suddenly changed her mind about us.

I can hear the thought-fuckery tornado going on in the conference room from all the way the way down the hallway, and I mumble to Thomas about what a lucky dude he is that he won't be expected to participate in the cluster-fuck in conference room #203. He makes a gurgly-spitty noise at me. I decide to think of it as kind of a drooly pep-talk.

I open the door to see the following: Bella sitting in the center of the room, looking at the ground, looking like she's close to tears. Tyler sitting in a chair he has pushed into a corner to get as far from Emmett as he can. Emmett grinning at Tyler from across the room. Quil leaning down next to Bella, trying to talk to her. Rose glaring at the two of them and Kevin, the lawyer hired to make sure we were compliant with Arizona law, looking around the room as if the circus has come to town.

As soon as they see me, Tyler pulls even farther into the corner. If he recedes any further he's going to look like wallpaper. Rose jumps up and says, "Edward, I've never been so happy to see you," and Bella looks at me with her eyes filled with tears and says, "Oh, Edward. I'm so sorry."

That's bad. That's very bad.

"What's wrong?" I ask. Rosalie makes a loud "tsking" noise and Quil pats Bella on the shoulder.

"It's OK, Buttercup. We can fix it." Bella gets up and walks over to Thomas and I. She puts her hand on his head and strokes it.

"What's going on, Bella?" I ask again, raising my eyebrows at her. Which has NO impact on her because she's not looking at me. On purpose. Bad things.

"Bella," I say in that sing-songy, annoying voice that Alice uses with me all the time. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

She finally looks at me apologetically, biting her lower lip and wincing. "That's just it, Edward. I should have been paying more attention. I have been letting you guys do all the work and, just…hiding from reality, you know?" I have a very bad feeling I'm about to get dumped in front of half a dozen people. I don't know if you've ever had that happen to you and since I've never actually _had_ a girlfriend it's never happened to me, but it seems like it'd be unpleasant.

"Let's go talk about this somewhere more private," I suggest, pulling on her elbow and going for the door.

"But what about..." Bella gestures back to the room.

"Well, the lawyers are getting paid by the hour and Emmett and Rosalie aren't exactly running out of time. And, frankly, I don't care about him." I gesture to Tyler, who winces when I look at him. I think he thought if he held still I'd think he was a statue. A freakin' teenage boy statue. Except that he's sweating bullets right now.

Bella follows me into the hallway and down a few doors to at least give us a little bit of privacy. At the end of the hall I stop and – still holding Thomas – look at her expectantly. She wrings her hands a little before taking a deep breath and starting to talk.

"It's just that, I've been letting you guys take care of everything and that's not right. I mean, I'm a mother, for Christ's sake, and I have been acting like a child." She sighs and continues, "I spent my whole pregnancy pretending Thomas didn't _have_ a dad and misleading _my_ dad and now I let you guys handle this whole custody issue. I let you guys spend all this time working on the agreement and I could have prevented this whole mess. I just wanted to pretend that he was yours." She looks at the ground, clearly embarrassed.

She looks like she's going to cry again and I am really at a maturity impasse here. I mean, on one hand, if she's thinking about breaking up with me and going to play house with the actual biological father of the baby I've come to think of as my own, fuck yeah, I want her to be crying right now. I want her to be feeling so upset about this that she cries herself silly and decides that it's the wrong idea because she's wallowing in abject misery.

On the other hand, I love her and I don't want her to be upset. At all. Even if she has decided she wants to be with that mediocre 19 year-old human whose only advantage over me is viable sperm.

My long-awaited emotional maturity could have picked a better time to show up. The impulse to act like a grown-up is seriously fucking with my future happiness right now.

"What do we need to do to make this right, Bella?" I feel every single one of my 110 years when I say this. She bites her lip as she thinks.

"I think I need to talk to Tyler. Privately." She waits for my reaction. I nod and rub Thomas's head for comfort. My own, that is.

"Why don't you hold onto him," she says, gesturing at Thomas. "Tyler and I can go downstairs for lunch or something." I nod again, glad that I will at least get to hold onto "my" baby for a little longer.

"I'm going back up to the room then. Let me know when you get it figured out." I am a sad, sad vampire. If I had a cape it would be dragging on the ground.

I mope in the room. Thomas and I have a conversation (which I monopolize) about how I am a way better choice for his mom than his so-called "dad". I listen to some jazz. I heat up some breast milk. I feel guilty about thinking it's gross and swear if I have the chance to continue to take care of Thomas that I won't think it's gross ever again. I even get a little nostalgic about changing diapers. Thomas falls asleep and I'm just starting to consider doing something creepy like smelling Bella's clothes when she comes in.

She gives me a small, apologetic smile and sits down on the couch. I pretend that I'm really busy with my iPhone. Really, I'm just playing Angry Birds and being passive-aggressive.

After a few minutes she speaks softly: "Edward? Do you want to hear what we decided? Or do you want to wait until we sign the papers? Rose said they'll be ready tomorrow." I don't answer for a second.

"Well, what did you two decide?" I finally ask. I mean, I don't want to be rude.

"Well, I got Tyler to agree to visits twice a year, which was really two visits more than he was interested in." I turn to her, surprised. She's rolling her eyes.

"I figured I could bring Thomas down or we could have Tyler drag his lazy ass up to Seattle if you wanted to be there, too. Arizona's not exactly an ideal vacation spot for you."

"What are you talking about?" I ask. She looks at me with a slight frown.

"I guess, if you don't _want_ to be there…I guess I just assumed that you would want to be…" She suddenly looks very unsure. "Edward, if you've changed your mind…"

"No, _you_ changed _your_ mind. You said you made a mistake." I put my phone down and walk over to where she's sitting on the couch.

"I changed my mind?" She shakes her head. "Edward, I think that I wasn't clear. I think that Thomas deserves to know his biological father, even if he has you helping me take care of him. I had them put visitation in the agreement." She shakes her head again. "Tyler wasn't enthusiastic about it but he just found out he's a dad yesterday, so I guess I shouldn't judge too harshly."

I sat down on the couch next to her. "What else did you change?" I'm trying to stay nonchalant but I am beginning to realize that Bella wouldn't need a visitation agreement if she was going to stay here with him.

She snorts. "Well, I took out the part where he gets that ridiculous amount of money." She shakes her head at me in disgust. "I'm really sorry about all the extra work. I really should have been more mature about the whole thing."

"So, you're not thinking of trying to make things work with him?" She freezes for a second and then a look of horror spreads across her face.

"You thought that I wanted to be with him instead of you? Really?" She stares at me with disbelief. I nod.

"Where did you get that idea?" She is genuinely curious and I really have to come up with a better answer than, "Because I'm insecure and apparently really bad at understanding people whose minds I can't read."

"Well, you were crying and apologizing to me and I, um, I just don't really know." Bella is looking at me with what looks like pity and utter disbelief at my stupidity. She scoots closer to me and strokes the hair on the back of my head.

"I don't want to sound shallow, but you really thought I'd chose some, I'm sorry, but some really ordinary guy like Tyler over _you_? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? And not only are you, well, pretty, but you have this amazing family. You're smart and funny and you love me more than anyone else ever will. I mean, you waited _ninety frickin' years_ for me. That's romantic as fuck." She's snuggled up to me on the couch and is now stroking my chest, too. I'm thinking that I might arrange to have attacks of debilitating insecurity a lot more from now on. The consequences certainly seem worth the hour or so of heartache.

"Do you know why I went out with Tyler in the first place?" she asks me. I shake my head. "Before my mom met Phil, I was always kind of the parent. I made sure dinner was ready, made sure she knew where her keys were, stuff like that. Then she met Phil and I felt like she had someone else taking care of her. I felt like I could finally be a teenager, before it was too late. I went to a dance for the first time. I went to a couple parties. Tyler was the first guy to ask me out, so I went out with him. Honestly, it could have been anyone."

"Edward, " she looks into my eyes earnestly. "Honestly, the only thing he's got on you is a pulse. And really, your deadness is not a big deal-breaker for me. You have other…selling points." She smiles at me. I reach out and stroke her cheek.

"What time did you put Thomas down?" she says to me, her voice quieter.

"About twenty minutes ago," I answer, confused by her question. She smiles at me

"I think I got interrupted last night," she purrs to me as she climbs into my lap. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and places a kiss on the corner of my mouth. I pull her closer and kiss her, thinking I'm going to have to let my horrific lack of confidence hang out more often.

My phone buzzes and she pulls back slightly. "Ignore it," I say into her neck, pulling her back to me. Then my phone rings, and I grip her a little tighter so she won't pull away as I bury my face in the hair behind her ear.

"What if it's an emergency?" she murmurs breathily.

"If the fucking hotel burns down I'll carry you guys out, OK?" I move her hair aside to put my lips on her neck again. If _this_ isn't an emergency, I don't know what is.

Then her phone rings. She pulls away with a groan and climbs out of my lap to find her phone.

"If that's not like the Pope or something, I'm going to kill them," I say, burying my hands in my hair in frustration.

"Neither of us are Catholic," she says, frowning as she picks up her phone.

'Then he shouldn't be calling us either." She laughs and answers the phone.

"Hello?...Yeah, Alice, he's right here." She hands me the phone.

"Alice, this better be you telling me that the Apocalypse is nigh because you just interrupted…"

Alice cuts me off. "I know what I interrupted. Trust me, _we all_ want you to get some action just as much as you do. But your future mother-in-law is making a surprise visit in seven minutes and you don't really want to be caught in that…condition."

I look down. Oh, _that _condition. "I don't care."

"Yeah, you do. Seriously, you need to convince Renee that you are not the kind of guy who just wants to dry-hump her daughter. Even if you are."

"You know that's not what's going…well, it's not _all_ that going on here." I take a deep breath. "Fine. Thank you, Alice."

"You're welcome, Edward. By the way, did you see that Angela Lansbury has two new movies out this year?"

"Thanks, Alice. Really."

I hang up the phone and think about her role in "Nannie McPhee" until I'm presentable for the in-laws. The things we do for love, huh?

**a/n: Betham, beta'ed this, because she's a freakin' saint. Additionally, this update was brought to you by Bettigefecht, who was sweet enough to rec this nonsense in her story, "Little Green and Easybella" as well as kicking me off Twitter last night so I'd finish writing, Donovan, who I found myself listening to while writing this, because I'm a freak, and the letter "E", just because it's so versatile. Thanks! JuJu**

**Just to make up for not replying to any reviews (50% fail, 50% pure laziness) I have an Emmett haiku for you:**

_**the growling brown bear**_

_**hungry from hibernation**_

_**good to eat, yum yum**_


	22. Pitching Woo

**The Red Eye chapter 22: Pitching Woo**

I wait for Renee to show up, thinking about Bella's new, more assertive, personality. I think that it's perfectly appropriate for her to advocate for herself and her child. It occurs to me that we were perhaps heavy-handed with regard to this whole "not letting her ex-boyfriend live" thing. In our defense, we are used to dealing with things in a very different way than humans. Most humans don't have to move every ten years. Most of them don't have to be as secretive as we have become accustomed to being. And most humans don't have the kind of "throw money at it" attitude that we have developed, and _that_ really seems to drive Bella crazy.

So, we'll have to get better at compromising. But in the short-term, I'm going to have to get better at skulking around in the corners of hotel rooms, because Bella's mom is about to show up and there is a disturbing amount of sunlight in this room. I try to determine how much time I have before I will have to hide behind the couch to keep the sun off me. I calculate about an hour, and figure I'll have to tell Bella that she needs to get her mom out of here before then.

Bella comes back in from checking on Thomas and walks around the room closing the curtains.

Oh. I guess I could have just done that.

"We'll tell my mom you have a headache, OK?" Bella smiles at me as I watch her, musing on how easy she just made that. Or how hard I made it. Whatever.

There's a knock on the door, and Bella turns to me and asks: "Ready?" before she opens it. I nod, and she opens the door to reveal her mom. Renee is wearing a pair of orange shorts and a pink shirt. I think I actually do have a headache, now that you mention it.

Renee embraces Bella and then closes in on me, her mind fluttering with thoughts about how cute we are together. She hugs me and, thankfully, instead of thinking about how cold and inhuman I feel, she thinks I'm really muscular. Which I am, if by "muscular" you mean "made of cement".

Bella gets her mom seated and flops down on the couch facing her. I stand around awkwardly until Bella pats the couch next to her.

"What's up, Mom?" Bella asks. "Surprise visit? Don't you think you should have done that _before_ I got knocked up?" I wince at Bella's words, but I realize that her mother is laughing.

"I wanted to see this handsome boyfriend of yours," Renee smiles at me and I can see the resemblance between her and her daughter for a moment.

"I apologize for not coming to see you sooner, Mrs. Dwyer. I get terrible headaches and I've been cooped up in the hotel room." Renee shakes her head at me.

"Edward, call me Renee, please. It's bad enough being a grandmother without being called 'Mrs. Dwyer', too. Or call me 'Mom.'" Bella snorts at that and Renee shoots her a look.

Bella and her mom sit and talk about Bella's plans to go back to school and I listen, interjecting at appropriate moments. Renee's mind is the most interesting sort of non-linear place. She seems to think in pictures and sometimes her pictures are a little surreal. It's a little Fellini-esque (without the dwarves) and I am getting kind of disoriented. I figure that this must be what it's like to do hallucinogenic drugs.

Thomas rescues me before I can go too far down the rabbit-hole. He wakes up, and I offer to go get him. I bring him in and there's a bit of an awkward moment when Bella sets herself up to nurse him discreetly. Some people might wonder why Bella was going to such towel-intensive lengths to hide her breasts from me, on the presumption that we were already at that stage of fooling around. These above-mentioned people would probably think it and then let it go because it's such an embarrassing and completely inappropriate thing to ask out loud.

These people are not Renee. She just blurted that shit out. Seriously.

"Mom!" Bella said, glaring at her mom. I just looked at the floral arrangement. Interesting, them using tiger lilies and…

"Edward." Fuck, Renee was actually talking to me, and I had to answer some of her embarrassing-ass questions. "You're not thinking of waiting until you get married, are you? Charlie said that you were kind of 'old-fashioned' and I hope that doesn't mean you're going to keep my baby girl waiting to…"

"Actually," I cut her off before she can finish that sentence the way she wanted to. "I've already asked Bella to marry me." Bella jabs me in the ribs with her elbow and then winces. I look at her, and she glares at me and shakes her head.

"_Ix-nay on the arriage-may,"_ she murmurs. But it's too late. Renee's eyes get big, and she has a flurry of wedding-related images flood into her brain/thought-blender/swirling vortex of crazy.

"I had no idea," Renee said, looking at Bella pointedly. "Bella, were you going to tell me about this?" Bella shakes her head and looks at me, mumbling, _"You started this, ok? So don't get upset."_ I shake my head at her. What would I get upset about? Oh, wait, yeah, the fact that she said "no." Or, more accurately, blew me off and never answered me. No biggie. Yeah, Renee, let's talk about the fact that I proposed to your daughter twice and she ignored me. Good times.

"Mom, Edward and I aren't getting married." Bella looks down, as if transfixed by Thomas's eyelashes. Wait, what? She didn't say, "We're not getting married yet." She said, "We're not getting married." Period. Fuck.

"Bella, what's wrong with…" Renee continues to argue. I decide to interrupt.

"Renee, it's OK. Bella and I have only been together for a short time. I think she's trying to make sure of her feelings before she commits to a life with me." Especially since I drink blood and sparkle in the sunlight. Oh, and that whole "life" thing? I guess it depends on your definition of the word.

Bella looks at me gratefully, and stretches out her free hand to rub my arm. I feel emboldened by this to bust out some more "mature adult" style talking.

"My proposals were premature, I was thinking of her sense of security. But, Bella, I think rightfully, has insisted we wait rather than put Thomas through the trauma of a divorce." Renee nods her head slowly, thinking of how fundamentally boring and grown up the two of us are.

"You two are certainly made for each other." She means to say this sardonically, but I really like that she said it, so I agree with her.

We manage to get through the rest of the visit without a major event and – because we are staying for at least another day – we promise to see Renee the following day and usher her out.

Bella sighs and collapses on the couch again. Thomas and I need a spit-up related clothing change, so we go find some clean stuff to change into. He and I discuss taking his mom out for ice cream once that pesky sun goes down, and decide that she would really appreciate that.

Bella wanders in, yawning, as I'm finishing up with Thomas.

"This has been the longest day and it's only four o'clock," she says, rubbing her face wearily. "I think I'm going to take a nap. Do you think he's sleepy?"

Really, Thomas always looks sleepy to me, so I nod. "Good, I'll lie down with him. Do you want to pretend to nap with me?" Bella looks at me shyly. Seriously, it's like the best offer I've ever had.

"If you don't mind," I say, totally nonchalantly. At least I _think_ I'm all casual and stuff. Bella nods and smiles at me.

"No, it's fine. You just have to pretend to not be watching me until I fall asleep."

"And then all bets are off?" I ask, hopefully. I can't believe my girl is accepting what a freak I am.

"Yeah. What I don't know can't hurt me, right? Just wake me up if I snore, OK?"

I nod, having no intention of doing so. Bella lies down on the bed (my bed!) and puts Thomas down next to her. I lie down carefully on the other side of him, facing her. I disregard her instructions and just stare at her for a minute, until she opens her eyes back up and smiles at me. "You're not holding up your end of the bargain," she says gently. "I know, sorry." I say, reaching for her hand. I hold her hand and keep my eyes closed until I can tell she's asleep, and then I watch her and Thomas for the next hour.

I am reluctant to have to wake her up, but she needs to eat and Thomas's sleep patterns will get all wacky if they sleep any more.

Emmett and Rose show up at the same time as room service. Bella shyly asks Rose to hold Thomas and then sits down to eat. After a few minutes she looks at Rose apologetically.

"I'm sorry about all the extra work, Rose," she says. Rose waves the manicured hand not holding Thomas.

"It's OK, Bella. We got it resolved. Tyler will come back tomorrow to sign the papers, and you can sign when you're done eating." I stare at my most bitchy of sisters for a moment, concerned that she has been replaced by an imposter Rose and the real Rose is tied up in the basement somewhere, getting more pissed at me by the moment. She notices me staring and says, "What?"

I shake my head. "Nothing, Rose. "It's just that I would have kidnapped a baby for you years ago, if I had known it was going to make you so much less hostile." Emmett nods his head vigorously. "I know, right? She hasn't mentioned hating you or Arizona in almost three days. She ate a lizard last night and said that it wasn't that bad."

"You're kidding," I say. "She won't even eat possums at home, says they're too 'reptilian'. She ate a lizard?"

"I'm right here, you jerks," Rose says, but she says it in that sweet, 'baby' voice that she uses with Thomas. "It's not too late for me to make you wish the flu had wiped you out." She tries to glare at me but she's got "goofy-baby" face and it falls flat.

"Thank you, Rose. I appreciate your help." Bella speaks up, smiling at my sister.

Rose smiles back at her. "I don't mind helping you, Bella. I can't say that I agree with you, but I admit that we're a little…draconian in our methods."

"Yeah, I need to remember that you guys are a little out of practice with stuff like this."

"Don't forget that Edward never had any practice being a normal person. I mean, one minute he's a teenage boy, playing sissy music on the piano and trying to look at girl's ankles and the next he's…a vampire playing sissy music and trying to not hear everyone's thoughts about his ass." Emmett laughs, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Yeah, Emmett, you had a lot more experience, what with drinking something your Pa made in a barrel in the woods and making out with your cousin Adelaide." Now, the reason this is so effective in getting Emmett's ass in a sling with his wife is that it's 100% true. One of the rare moments when I think mindreading rules.

"Adelaide?" Rosalie asks, looking at Emmett archly. I laugh and flip him off.

"You guys are pathetic," Bella laughs, finishing off her dinner and taking the tray out to the hallway for room service to pick up.

We've got a few hours before it's dark enough for me to venture out for ice cream, so we settle in to watch "Gosford Park", which is always a good way to get Emmett out of the room. Sure enough, he complains about all the talking and the lack of bloodshed until his wife kicks him out. He leaves, muttering about "three hours of English people shaking hands and not one sword-fight", and we watch the rest of the movie.

When it finally gets dark, Bella and I take a walk down the street to get some ice cream. I have Thomas strapped onto my chest in one of those things that look like baby slingshots, and I am taking full advantage of my newly granted hand-holding privileges. I have to admit to being pretty pleased with the way things are going, which is why I decide to broach the conversation about marriage.

"Bella?" I ask, watching her take a bite of her ice cream. My sweetheart loves her cold stuff, lucky me. "I'm wondering what your take on the conversation we had with your mom was. I mean, do you think that you might consider marrying me? At some point?"

Bella regards me calmly as she licks the chocolate off the corner of her mouth. "Don't you think that we should talk about the whole 'vampire' thing first? I mean, I think that we should talk, in private, about what we're going to do about our…differing life expectancies." She actually does the air-quotes when she whispers vampire.

Shit. I was really hoping she wouldn't ask me about that yet. I was actually hoping to slip a clause into the pre-nup about her being changed. I guess I need to develop a plan B.

**a/n: Saint Betham of the righteous red pen betas it. I did my best to respond to reviews this time, if I missed you, please don't be sad! Thank you for all the reviews and pimping and sweet things you guys say about this, I am continually shocked that anyone thinks the product of my crazy-head is funny. Thanks again! xoxo JuJu**


	23. On Dangerous Ground

**On Dangerous Ground**

I've decided to postpone the whole "I'm a vampire and you're not" conversation with Bella for a little while. I define "a little while" as the length of time it will take her to actually return my feelings, if that seems like it's going to happen. It just seems like she might be more likely to concede to my wish to change her if she actually _wants_ to spend eternity with me. Just sayin'.

And, yes, I know that wanting to change her is selfish. I know. I'm selfish. Don't bother beating me up because I'm already flogging myself about it. I just want to keep her forever. Like a selfish person. Let it go.

We get the new, less-likely-to-end-in-Tyler's-death agreement signed and fly back to Washington. Have I mentioned that flying with babies is kind of difficult? I guess it's the air pressure in the airplane that makes their ears hurt, but the alternative is driving between Arizona and Washington in the summer and that just seems like a bad idea given that California is kind of a sunny state. Not to mention that the last time Emmett and I were trapped in a car together for longer than ten hours we actually destroyed the car, part of a bridge and my ability to listen to any Dave Matthew's song without going into a homicidal rage.

During take-off, poor Thomas is crying and we can't do anything for him and Bella's getting upset and I'm going to kill the suit across the aisle from us if he doesn't stop thinking negative things about my baby. Seriously. I'm about to _show _him what it's like to cry like a baby.

"_Stop it, Edward," _Bella hisses. I look at her. "_You are scaring the crap out of that guy_." I realize that she's right. I have been giving him the death stare and he is shaking in his seat and looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

I smile at him, which totally doesn't help. Then I decide to just not look at him anymore.

Thomas settles down when we reach cruising altitude and Bella sighs with relief.

"You know, I read that if you feed babies during take-off and landing their ears don't hurt from the pressure." I tell Bella to be helpful. She looks at me skeptically.

"Really? And you didn't mention this before, why?"

"Well, he didn't have a problem on the way down here. I noticed that you were feeding him during take-off on the flight out, by the way. I didn't want to act like I was telling you how to parent." She nods at me.

"I appreciate the sentiment, but if you think something might keep him from crying like that, you should mention it." She smiles at me. I don't_ think_ I'm in trouble but you never know with a woman whose mind you can't read.

"Dude, look at these sunglasses that float!" Emmett is sitting behind us and Rosalie has unfortunately let him get his hands on the Sky Mall catalog, even though I specifically asked her not to. Last time this happened we all ended up with monogrammed golf bags. I don't even play golf.

"Emmett, don't buy stuff from that magazine. Seriously."

"Why not? I can get a replica of one of those statues from that island with all the heads on it."

"You mean Easter Island?" Bella asks.

"Yeah, we could put it in the backyard."

"Esme will love that," Rosalie interjects.

"Do you think she'd like the Yeti one better?" Emmett asks. Rosalie grabs the magazine from him and throws it over the seats into my lap. Bella picks it up and opens it.

"Hey look, you can get one of these portable cabana things so if it gets too sunny you can just set it up and hang out there!" She looks at me curiously for a moment. "You know, I still don't know what happens to you when you are in the sunlight."

"I _sprrkmmle_," I mumble. "What?" she says, smiling. I take a deep breath.

"I sparkle. Like glitter." I look at her cautiously. She stares at me blankly.

"Like glitter?" she asks. I nod, embarrassed.

"That's…funny," she says, starting to grin. I roll my eyes.

"Yeah, hilarious. It makes me look really manly."

She's laughing now. "I have to admit, it does make me feel a little better about having, you know, stretch marks and stuff. I mean, sometimes I feel kind of inadequate since you guys are all pretty and strong and stuff. But the thought that you look like a six year-old girl's birthday present makes me feel better."

"I'm glad I can help you with your self-esteem, Bella." I am never going out in the sun with her. No guy wants to look like Enchanted Princess Barbie in front of the love of his life.

Bella feeds Thomas during the landing, shooting me a smirk, and we are on our way to collect our luggage when I get a text from Alice.

**Meeting you at baggage claim. Something's up.**

We get over to the luggage spitter and wait. Emmett's making a game out of challenging some young guy for a position closest to where the bags come out.

I smell Alice before I see her, and I also smell her surprise guest.

"Jacob!" Quil calls out from next to me, and I turn around to see Alice, Jasper and Quil's nephew walk up. I know it's summer, but it's summer in the Pacific Northwest and this guy isn't wearing a shirt. In an airport. I shudder to think what international travelers are thinking of us.

I eye Alice warily, gesturing to the dog. "Is that a service dog? Because I don't think they allow animals in here." Jacob shoots me a glare and Bella smacks my arm. And then flinches and rubs her hand.

"I'm sorry about the change in plans," she says, reaching into what looks like a tiny bag and pulling out some clothes, which she tosses in my direction. I catch them and look at her curiously. She ignores my look and pulls out some more clothes which she tosses to Emmett. Jesus, her bag must have a freakin' wormhole in it or something.

"You guys need to get changed. Bella and Thomas are going to drive back with Rose and I, and you're driving with Quil and Jake." I try to figure out what's going on in her head but it's confusing in there; the images keeps fading and reforming as something different. Jasper pulls me away towards the men's room.

"What's going on, Jasper?" I am getting really anxious and Jasper tries to do his mood mojo on me. I swat at him. "Stop that shit! It makes me feel weird. Just tell me what's going on."

"Alice had a vision…well, a couple of different visions, of some, uh, other vampires showing up. She thinks that we're going to be able to head them off and keep them away from Bella and Thomas."

I freak out. Just internally, but that's all Jasper needs. He swats his hands around his head maniacally, like he's being attacked by gnats. "Dude! If you can't keep that in check I'm going to have to fuck with your feelings! You're freaking me out!"

"Well, tell me what her plan is and maybe I'll feel better."

"Alice saw me letting them catch my scent and leading them to the bar. With Jacob with us, he can phase and let the pack know if we need back-up."

"I hate getting them involved. Not only are we letting a sixteen year-old hang out with us in a bar, but the pack gets an excuse to tell us that we're a danger to the people of Forks."

"I know. But if we hadn't gotten them involved, they would have found out on their own and assumed they were friends of ours."

"That's ridiculous. Are they friends with everyone who's too hairy and smells? Of course not!" Just then I am interrupted by the sound of the side of the bathroom stall falling. Emmett stands there with his shirt half on.

"Jesus, these stalls are not big enough to change clothes in!" I sigh and prop the side of the stall back up against the frame.

We get changed and go back out to where Alice is waiting for us. Bella and Thomas are already gone.

"So you guys are going to drop Jasper a few miles out of town and go straight to The Liquid Diet. The vampires should show up there." Alice is frowning, and I can see from her thoughts that the content of her visions; the scene keeps changing. It's confusing both of us.

"I've never had this happen quite like this," she says to me apologetically. "I'm going to keep them safe, though. Don't worry." Yeah, right. I'm going to not worry. That was sarcasm, by the way. I'm going to freak the fuck out.

We get our baggage and start walking out to the parking lot. I'm really hoping that Alice took my Volvo and left us a larger vehicle, because being stuck in a small car with Emmett, Jasper, Quil and Jacob is going to be a major pain in the ass. Something on the ground catches my eye and I realize that Thomas must have lost one of his little slippers, because it's lying on the ground in the parking structure.

I pick it up, laughing because these things fall off his feet like crazy, and I had just been telling Bella that she needed to think about putting tape on his feet or something. I swear babies have no bones in their feet. I stick it into my pocket and sigh with relief when I see that Jasper has brought Emmett's god-awful obnoxious Escalade. I hate that thing because Emmett thinks that it makes him such a gangster, but at least I won't have werewolf knees up my ass the whole way to Forks.

I roll the window down so I don't start dry-heaving from the dog smell. Jacob snorts.

"You think it's much better for me? It smells like rotten caramels in here." He rolls his own window down.

"At least I'm wearing a shirt. Did you spend all your money on Milk-Bones?"

"Eddie. You're going to verbally abuse a teenage boy?" Quil laughs.

"Sorry, Quil. No disrespect to you. I like you. Especially the way you wear clothes out in public." I shoot Quil a smile.

"I'm here to help you guys protect Bella. Maybe you're afraid she'll get a look at these guns and have no interest in your pasty ass." Jacob taunts.

"Jacob." Quil's voice is stern. Jacob looks at his uncle, chastened. "You're a sixteen year-old boy. What are you gonna do with a woman with a baby? Drive her around on your dirt-bike?"

It's silent for a while and then Emmett decides to turn on the radio. Which is cool because it gives Jake and I the opportunity to fight with Emmett about his choice of music. It turns out that me and wolf-boy are united in our opinion that auto-tune is an abomination.

That argument gets us almost all the way to Forks, and we drop Jasper off about 10 miles out of town. We drive Emmett's gangster-mobile to the bar and go in and wait. Except that I'm feeling pretty antsy, especially since Alice's vision looked like a trip to crazy-town. I'd feel a lot better if there was one really clear resolution. Preferably the one where we didn't have to deal with strange vampires coming to town at all.

Emmett's talking with his manager, Frank, since we've been out of town for a couple days, and Quil is advising Randy, the town asshole, about his best options for getting his girlfriend to lift the restraining order as a way of getting him out of the bar.

I slump at the bar, drumming my fingers until Emmett tells me to stop because I've made a big dent in it. Then I wander over to the jukebox, which just makes me more irritable because Emmett's got crap music in there. Every once in a while I complain about it, because real private eyes need a bar to hang out in and I just really can't listen to that Billy Ray Cyrus song again or I'll set myself on fire. Then Emmett does something lame like puts the soundtrack for "Jesus Christ, Superstar" or some William Shatner album in there and tells all his bar patrons that he did it for me.

Jake is hanging out by the back door, both to keep a nose out for the vampires and to be able to make a quick getaway if Chief Swan shows up. Right as I'm about to find out whether I still hate Hall and Oates, he runs back in.

"Jasper's coming!" Quil has gotten Randy out of there with the promise of the number of a good bail bondsman, and Emmett insists one last time that Frank take the rest of the night off.

A minute later Jasper comes in, looking pretty excited. I have to cut him some slack for this. I'm really not excited about having to confront a bunch of vampires because I'm worried about Bella and Thomas. But Jasper is a former soldier. He's a brilliant strategist, and he hasn't been able to plan anything more serious than a camping trip in a long time. The most action he's seen since he came to live with us was the year he and Emmett got into watching World Federation Wrestling and they went through a dozen folding chairs before Carlisle stopped them.

"I know they were following me for a while," he says, confused that they didn't come in right after him. I'm not picking up anything, and neither is super-nose.

Then Jasper gets a text from Alice:

**They're on their way.**

We take what we all assume are good battle positions, except that we probably look like idiots. I know _they_ do. Then Emmett says, "Is that a…Trans-Am?" as I hear it, too. The distinct sound of a poorly maintained 1980's Trans-Am comes down the street. It has to be them, because it doesn't sound like anyone from town. What kind of crappy vampires drive around in Trans-Ams? As the car reaches the parking lot we can hear Motorhead coming out of a crappy stereo. Of course.

The door opens and I almost start laughing. The vampire that comes in is a dark-skinned man with long black dreadlocks.

I have to take a moment to tell you something funny. A lot of vampires, especially ridiculous ones, have a tendency to wear the style of clothing that they wore when they were alive. Which has got to be pretty difficult to do, considering they must have to raid costume shops and theatre departments. This isn't really an option for us since we try to blend in, and wearing a boater and spats just isn't going to do that.

So either this guy was changed in the eighteenth century or he escaped from a production of Cyrano de Bergerac, because he's got the full-on velvet coat, fluffy shirt, tight pants wardrobe going on.

He looks around at us, clearly trying to look confident and in control, but the more we look at him the funnier he looks, and when Emmett and I make eye-contact we burst out laughing. He glares at us and fluffs his cravat. Which makes us laugh harder.

Jasper shoots us a glare and greets the stranger.

"My name is Laurent," he says, with a slight accent, looking at us huffily.

"These are my brothers, Emmett and Edward," Jasper says. "Where is your companion?"

"Probably hitching the pumpkin to the bike racks!" Emmett says, and I lost all the composure I was trying to gather. I don't know what made me so giggly. Probably just the stress.

"My companion, James, is parking the car." Laurent says. At the thought of the Trans-Am, Emmett and I laugh again. "That is very rude," Laurent says to us.

I take a deep breath. "You're absolutely right," I say, composing myself. "I'm sorry, I just so rarely hear a Trans-Am referred to as a 'car.'"

Laurent sighs, "Tell me about it. He insists upon backing it into parking spaces, as well. It is the most annoying thing." Despite how freakish he looks, Laurent actually seems pretty cool, from what I can tell from his thoughts. He's pretty fed up with his companions, which could work to our advantage. We just need to get him some better clothes. He looks like he escaped from an Anne Rice novel. Don't even get me started on that. I've never even had sex with a _woman_, let alone carrying on with every man I see.

Wait, companions? I can only hear the thoughts of one vampire outside. There's a also a red-haired woman, Victoria, from what I can see in Laurent's thoughts.

"There's another one, a woman." I say, looking at Laurent. He raises an eyebrow at me.

"She preferred to come on foot. I think she does not like this 'Motorhead,' either." As far as I can tell, Laurent is telling the truth.

At that moment, James comes in. Looking like someone who would drive a Trans-Am. He's skinny and blond, wearing tight jeans and a jean jacket. Seriously guys, it may be summer, but that doesn't mean I want to see your chest!

"James, this is Jasper, Emmett and Edward. We have stumbled upon their territory. It would be best if we move on, no?" James smiles at us, kind of a devious smile. He is thinking that we are not as strong as they are because of our diet, and is sniffing us surreptitiously to see if he can tell how many more of us there are.

I growl at his thoughts and his attention fixes upon me. He inhales openly and then his eyes narrow and dart down to my pocket.

My pocket? Then I remember picking up Thomas' slipper. Shit!

"A young one? Surely the humans don't trust you with their young?" James says, taunting me.

At his mention of Thomas, I can't stifle the louder growl that comes from my chest.

"James! Come, we will go. We had no intention of intruding, gentlemen." Laurent is pulling James out of the bar, but I can tell it's too late. James' thoughts all center around finding Thomas.

Fuck. Now I'm gonna have to kill some vampires.

**a/n: OMG! **** Plot! And Vampires! And a Cliffhanger! The lovely and talented Betham betas this, please do not hold her responsible for my gross errors in grammar and judgment. So, I neglected to tell you last week that "pitching woo" is gumshoe slang for romancing or making love to someone. I use this excellent website: www (dot) miskatonic (dot) org/slang (dot) html for my detective lingo, if you're interested. **

**I got an amazing rec from deedreamer16 on RAoR on Sunday: http: / bit (dot) ly / hSv6EZ. The most incredible part about it is that I am sandwiched between Whatsmynom and 107yearoldvirgin. Which I mean in a totally non-sexual way. But like, to paraphrase Sesame Street, which of these kids is totally showing up on the same page as awesome people that she admires? **

**Thank you all so much for the great reviews and recs and not verbally abusing me for not replying to reviews this week or finishing this story in 20 chapters like I claimed I was going to do! xoxo JuJu**


	24. Chicago Overcoat

**Chicago Overcoat**

So, Laurent is thinking about how to get James out of the bar and James is thinking about how he's going to eat my baby like a potato chip and I'm thinking about the last time I had a vampire bonfire. It's been too long.

"Hey, uh, Laurent?" I get his attention. "Can I get you to hold up there for a second?" I give Emmett a pointed look and nod towards the door. Unbelievably, he understands my non-verbal communication and moves towards the door. I guess Emmett's having a "smart" day.

I'm going to have to go on the presumption that Laurent really wants to keep the peace here, and has no idea what his dickhead friend wants to do. That's what I'm getting from his thoughts, in addition to his embarrassment over James' lack of decorum and poor taste in music.

"I hope you don't mind sticking around for a bit," I say to them jovially, moving still closer. James and Laurent are looking at me curiously, but they have at least paused so I can get close enough to grab James by his scuzzy, denim-covered arms while Emmett moves in to get his legs. James snarls at us squirms, but he can't get away from us without losing a limb, which would also be OK with me. Laurent just stares at us, probably wondering why we are trying to draw and quarter his buddy.

"Does he, uh, have a tendency to pick his prey on the basis of how much it'll piss people off?" I ask Laurent. He rolls his eyes.

"James, you were going to go after a baby?" James is struggling to get away from Emmett and me.

"No! Why would I go after a baby?" I shake my head at Laurent.

"He was totally going after a baby," I say.

"James, I don't think I'm going to be able to help you this time. I don't know why you insist on doing this. Remember the time in Denver when you insisted on going after that stewardess…"

"Flight attendant." Jasper says.

"What?" Laurent asks, looking confused.

"Flight attendant. They don't call them stewardesses anymore. It's not politically correct. They call them flight attendants." Jasper explains patiently.

Laurent just stares at Jasper for a minute and then turns back to James, "Anyway, remember when you decided to go after that _flight attendant_ and we ended up having to hang out in the cargo hold for three days when her flight went to Egypt and I told you that you needed to stop getting obsessive about who you went after? Well, now would be the time to give up on that."

"OK, I will! Just get these guys to let me go!" But I can see that he's some kind of obsessive freak. Not that I'm in any position to judge.

"He's not going to give up on it," I tell Laurent. "We're going to have to kill him. Are you cool with that?" Laurent frowns at James and shakes his head disparagingly.

"Yes, I suppose I must." He shakes a finger at James. "This is your own fault, you know!"

"We can tear him up in here, but we'll have to take him out to the house to barbeque," Emmett says, eying James carefully. "We'll have to use the Trans-Am since the Escalade doesn't have a trunk."

"I am _not_ driving the Trans-Am!" Jasper says.

"Like I am?" I ask him.

"It's your girlfriend's baby. If anyone's gonna drive around looking like a tool, it should be you."

I sigh. Jasper's got a point. Then I remember Jake. "Hey, Scooby? You wanna drive the douche-mobile?" I get an idea. "Hey, Laurent. You don't want to keep it, do you?" Laurent shudders. "God, no," he says, flicking imaginary dust off his velvet coat.

"Jacob, you drive the Trans-Am with the vampire parts in the trunk out to our place, and you can keep it. I'll even throw in a Ted Nugent CD." I am the soul of generosity.

"Yeah, you can keep the CD, but I'll drive the car out there." Jacob shrugs.

"Cool. Shall we?" I gesture to James, who has been struggling against our hold on his limbs.

"Oh, wait a moment," Laurent holds up a lacy-cuffed hand. Which makes me giggle a little. "Victoria, James' mate. We'll have to deal with her as well."

"Yeah, she should have been here by now," Jasper says, frowning.

"Let's tear this guy up and then we'll go look for her," I say.

So we get James broken up into little vampire fragments and we transport them out to the trunk of the Trans-Am – which is _gold,_ by the way - in boxes from the stockroom. We convince Laurent to come with us to help us find James' girlfriend/mate/whatever, who never did show up - which makes me nervous. We call the house to let them know that we're going to be lighting up the grill and that there's a mystery vampire roaming around.

I remind Jacob not to speed or anything because it would really suck if he got pulled over and Chief Swan saw the vampire chunks in the trunk of the Trans-Am. Especially since I know Rin-Tin-Tin would give me up in a heartbeat, and then I'd be in trouble with my hopefully-future-father-in-law. At the very least it would make family holidays awkward. He probably would expect _me_ to carve the turkey.

Emmett drives his atrocity back to the house while I give Laurent a stern warning about keeping his teeth off my girl.

"You have a human girlfriend?" Laurent looks at me curiously. "With a baby?"

"Don't be a dick, Little Lord Fauntleroy!" Emmett yells over the stereo. "We're just happy that Eddie's not sulking in his room anymore. Seriously, he was one moody fucker before he started getting some 'face time', if you know what I mean."

"Thanks Emmett. But don't call me 'Eddie', OK?" I turn back to Laurent. "If you want to stick around, you just have to promise not to feed on humans in this area. This is where we live, and you can't do anything to call suspicion to us."

Laurent nods, although I can tell from his thoughts that he thinks it must be pretty boring eating deer and having human jobs. Which might be true if we were like postal carriers or accountants or one of those guys whose job it is to put flyers under your windshield.

But then we get to the house. At which point Laurent pretty much changes his mind about the entertainment factor inherent in our lifestyle. Because we are met by the sisters, who apparently love his dreadlocks and Prince-like wardrobe. I almost feel bad about throwing him to their mercy, but he seems to be having a good time. I leave them alone so we can immolate James and find his missing girlfriend.

Jake takes off for Dog-Town in his new Trans-Am, thankfully free of vampire scraps, promising he and the pack will be patrolling for the misplaced Victoria.

Emmett and I are watering down the pile of ashes in the back yard - because only _we _can prevent forest fires – when Bella comes down. She's yawning and she's got pillow scars on her face and, remarkably, seems to have missed all the action, which is good.

"Hey, why is there a guy with dreadlocks and a pirate costume in the living room?" she asks us.

"Oh, that's Laurent. He's thinking about joining us."

"Well, it looks like the sisters are helping him think about the lifestyle change." Bella smiles. "With their boobs," she adds, and Emmett laughs.

I wrap my arms around her. "If you keep talking like Emmett, I don't know if we can be together."

She pulls away to look at me with an expression of hurt surprise. "Really?" she asks.

"No, I'm bluffing. You totally own me. You could tell nothing but knock-knock jokes and I'd laugh just so I could make out with you." I pull her back to my side and she kisses under my jaw, which is pretty much as far as she can reach. Emmett makes a retching noise and goes into the house, passing Alice coming out.

I raise an eyebrow at her. I want to ask her about what she sees with Victoria, but I don't really want to talk about it in front of Bella.

But Alice, of course, has NO such compunction and starts in talking about it. "Edward, I am so sorry I didn't see the thing with Thomas' slipper! It's got to be the wolves. Everything goes all fuzzy once we add them into the equation."

"Where's Thomas' slipper?" Bella asks, sleepily.

"Oh, Thomas dropped his slipper and Alice wasn't sure if we were going to find it. You know, the pair with the little bear face on them that Rose got him? She would get so mad if she thought we had lost them, huh?" I am trying to laugh, like "Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. Losing baby shoes is a real bitch, huh? Almost as bad as having a crazy vampire come after your baby. Not that that happened!"

Alice and Bella both look at me. Bella is totally on to me, I can tell. She pulls away again and nods her head slowly at me.

"So, the whole dreadlocked-guy-in-the-living-room, setting-stuff-on-fire-in-the-backyard thing is so you could find a missing baby shoe? And did I see a Trans-Am in the driveway a little while ago?" She smiles at me sweetly.

"Ok, so it was a little more complicated than that," I admit, and she nods at me.

"I know, Alice told me." Damn Alice and her whole 'honesty' thing. She's really making me look bad here.

"About James wanting to come after Thomas and his girlfriend still being out there and everything?" Bella nods. Again. "So, I pretty much look like a big liar right now, huh?" Again with the nod. The smug nod. There is no worse nod in the history of nods than the smug nod. It used to be that I was the one doing the "I just read your mind" smug nod and watching other people feel stupid. This is mind-reader karma right here. This is payback for a century of self-righteous smug nodding.

"I understand that you are trying to keep me from worrying. I appreciate that, Edward. I really do. But we had a deal about honesty, right?"

I nod. It's really a kind of hanging-my-head nod. I miss the smug nod days.

"And I would worry about Thomas and myself, but I know that you're going to protect us, and that woman is way outnumbered, right? Between you guys and the wolves, and now the dread pirate Laurent in there, I feel pretty safe."

I look at Alice, anxiously. She gives me a tentative smile. "I'm pretty sure it's going to be OK. Like I said, she's evasive, it's hard to pin her down. But if we keep Bella and Thomas close, I think they'll be fine."

"I'm sorry I lied," I say. "Are you going to stop making out with me now?" Yeah, less than smooth, I know. But if the lying thing isn't working for me, I figured I should try the whole honesty thing.

Bella winks at me. "Alice said you had to keep me close, right? You know, for safety and all."

I give her a serious look. "I'm pretty sure that the safest place in the house is my bedroom. We should probably get you right up there." She blushes at me.

"Alright, Romeo," Alice interjects. "Bella needs to eat, and we need to go talk to the sisters. They've got news for us."

I grab Bella's hand and we go into the house, where the sisters are sitting around talking excitedly. Laurent is nowhere to be seen. I'm concerned that they might have worn him down to a nub or drained the life out of him, but Irina notices my curious look.

"The dark handsome one went hunting with Jasper and Carlisle. He thinks maybe he try eating animal for a while." She smiles at her sisters. 'We give him encouragement."

"Yeah, I bet you girls did," I say, sitting down. "So, Alice says you have news for us?"

"We decide we like it here," Tanya says. "We stay close to little Thomas, live where there is more people."

"We have been wanting to start business but there are not so many people in Alaska. Business do better here, no?" Kate smiles at her sisters. "We think Port Angeles. Bigger town. Still close to little Thomas."

"What kind of business?" I ask. And then I see it. Awkward.

"We open sex shop," Tanya says. "You know, sell DVD, magazines, sex toy."

"Cool," Bella says. I look at her.

I try to figure out how I got here. A year ago I was this libido-less century-old virgin. Now I've got a human girlfriend who I pretty much want to grope all the time and who thinks sex shops are "cool." _And_ I'm a century-old virgin.

The bedroom's looking safer and safer all the time. I should probably hide her under the covers. And maybe under _me_ just to be safe.

**a/n: ****"Chicago Overcoat" is gumshoe slang for a coffin. ****The lovely and talented Betham betas this, so she should have your sympathies. Sometime you should ask her how many different ways I have of spelling "OK." **

**This last week has been MADE of awesome. Grrlinterupted made me this adorable banner: http : / bit (dot) ly/jJSdKM. (Remove all the dots and spaces on my links, please) THEN I got a really sweet review from JB30 and Kassiah on The Fictionators: ****http : / bit (dot) ly/m6Lbc1 and THEN MeraNaamJoker rec'd it on TwiFicPimps: http : / bit (dot) ly/lwIqNN. Even though I've totally talked smack about wolves. Because she's kind and forgiving like that. **

**Thanks for all the recs, retweets, kind words and tolerance for my overall dorkiness and short updates! xoxo, JuJu**


	25. Nobody Lives Forever

"**Nobody Lives Forever"**

I follow Bella into the kitchen so she could make herself some "food". We have always kept some "food" in the house, just because Esme needs to buy it for appearance's sake. We get rid of the perishables every once in a while, but we have less of a sense of urgency about the stuff that doesn't rot. Which means that we end up with an overabundance of strange canned goods. Bella was a little surprised to see how many jars of capers we had. And cumin, whatever_ that_ is.

I mean, I don't even remember eating capers or cumin when I was human. It wasn't like my Mom would whip up a batch of capers a la cumin or anything. Does anyone actually eat that stuff? Or are you required to have it in your pantry in case the neighbors show up?

So Bella is making some sort of meal that involves chicken, I think. She offers me the cold chicken blood that's drained out onto the Styrofoam tray, but I grimace at her. Smart-ass.

"Angela is having a going away party tomorrow. Do you want to go?" She asks me.

"Where is she going?" I watch as Bella slices some French bread.

"College?" she says, raising an eyebrow at me sarcastically. Oh, I think that this is one of those times when I was supposed to know what _not_ to say and I didn't and now she is upset. Shit.

"Are you upset about Angela going away?" I ask, hoping that that's it.

"No. Why would I be?" I'm in deep trouble now. She won't even look at me to give me the sarcasm brow, and she's watching the chicken cook. Watching chicken cook is actually a really good metaphor for the tedium that is my life, if instead of chicken you substitute something like "glaciers" and instead of cook you say "move." That's how boring it's been until Bella and Thomas came along. It occurs to me to tell her how she's changed my life for the better, but she's upset right now and I'm not sure if this is the right time. Sam Spade never had to think about this stuff. He'd just say the wrong thing and then the girl would slap him and then he'd give her a smoldering kiss and everything would be cool. Lucky bastard.

"Uh, I can…" Just then Jasper walks into the kitchen, stops suddenly and throws up his hands and says, "Whoa! Tension!" and walks back out quickly.

Bella laughs and her bad mood dissipates. "I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to get all snarly on you all of a sudden. I'm just kind of jealous of Angela for getting to go to school, but really? It was totally my choice to have Thomas and I'm really lucky to have you guys helping me out. I'm being kind of immature about this."

"I think it's understandable, Bella. The guy from Texas whose show Emmett watches all the time? He says that feelings aren't wrong, it's just how we deal with them."

"Are you talking about Dr. Phil?" she looks at me skeptically.

"Yeah, that guy. You're allowed to feel upset about not getting to go to college right away. I just want to know what I can do to help." She sighs and shakes her head.

"See, Edward, that's part of the problem. You're always so sweet and protective, and you try so hard to make me happy, and your family does so much for us. It makes me feel like a jerk for getting upset about this stuff."

"We love you. We want you to be happy." I walk over to where she's watching her chicken cook and wrap my arms around her. "_I_ love you," I say into her hair. She just sighs and we hang out having that uncomfortable silence that happens after someone tells someone else that they love them and the other person doesn't say anything. Awkward. But I knew that Bella didn't love me the way I love her, and I had begged her to stay with me anyway the night we had our "Chinatown" Chinese food date, the Night of the Hideous Honesty. So I kind of got what I asked for.

Bella lets out another big sigh and pushes away from me. "I know you love me, Edward, and I like you, too. It's just hard to figure out how much of it is _love_, and how much of it is gratitude for all that you do combined with…" She makes a gesture indicating the space between the two of us. "You know…lust."

"I'll take it," I say, maybe just a little too fast. She laughs. "No, really, Bella. I'm willing to settle for gratitude and lust. I'm not picky." She shakes her head at me and turns back to the chicken.

"That's just not fair to you. You deserve to have someone really love you. I'm not saying that I don't. I'm just confused."

"Don't worry about it, Sweetie. I'm not going anywhere. Really. I'm immortal and stuff. Take your time." Bella laughs and takes her chicken and capers out of the oven. I tell her, "I'm going to check on Thomas. Enjoy your poultry or whatever."

I walk out shaking my head. I had to fall in love with a teenager? Seriously? I mean I know I'm not the most mature guy in the world, but a little more conviction about this stuff would certainly be comforting. I'd even be willing to settle for the whole, "You've done a lot for me and you'd make a good husband. Let's go play house." She's worried about taking emotional advantage of me? I _wish_ she'd take advantage of me. In every way possible, especially the dirty ones.

I go into my/her room and peek at the squirmy one. He's starting to move around a little bit like he does when he's going to wake up soon. I pick him up and get stuff to change him. We have a little talk about how his mom is indecisive and how it's making me a little frustrated. He seems to agree, judging by his lack of protest.

"I'm glad we had this talk, dude. Let's go get you some boob. One of us should get some, right?"

I am clever enough to time my location and helpfulness that night so that I get into bed with Bella and Thomas when they go to bed. It's just a matter of, "Oh look! I just so happen to be here in my pajamas and available to hold Thomas while you get ready for bed. Of course, I'll hold him while you brush your teeth! You're lucky I wasn't busy cataloging my stamp collection or making my Christmas card list." I can't tell you how much I love just lying there with the two of them. Even if there's like no chance of getting frisky with an infant in the bed.

^0^ ^0^ ^0^

The going away party at the Webber's is cool, if feeling uncomfortable because the guest of honor's dad thinks that your girlfriend is a brazen hussy for getting pregnant out of wedlock is your idea of cool. Not that he says anything. Mostly he just glares at Bella and thinks nasty thoughts. I glare back at him a bunch anyway. Which confuses the crap out of him, because he actually likes me. Carlisle's dad was a preacher, in the church of crazy vampire-burning fanatics - a somewhat obscure sect - and he always goes out of his way to be nice to Reverend Webber. So, he can't figure out a) what I'm doing with the town trollop; and b) why I'm looking at him like he spit on my mom.

Everybody's pretty excited to see Thomas, though. I won't let that knuckle-dragger Mike Newton even get close to him, which is easy to pull off because Mike Newton is pretty intimidated by me ever since I made him soil himself on prom night. Good times, huh, Mike?

I remind Bella of that and she looks at me suspiciously. "You told me that you were following me because the wolves would blame you if anything happened to me. Was that the truth?"

I shake my head at her and smile. "Nope. All lies. I was stalking you. In a loving way," I add quickly. "I wanted to kill Mike just for being your _date,_ let alone trying to manhandle you."

"Manhandle me?" She smirked at me. "Could you come up with a more archaic expression? Was he being a masher?" I laugh.

"Yeah, he was trying to dishonor you."

She moved closer and fluttered her lashes at me. "Ooh, was he attempting to defile me?" She was just flirting with me now.

"You know, this would be hot if we weren't talking about Mike Newton," I said to her, bending my head down to murmur in her ear.

"Like if we were talking about_ you_ ravishing me?" she purred at me.

"You're playing with fire, Sweetie. You're teasing someone who's going on eleven decades without scoring," I grin at her, and she gives me a kiss that gets more interesting right up until we realize that we have an infant in between us. "Plus, Reverend Webber thinks that you are a brazen hussy." I give the good reverend a wink and he looks away quickly.

We mingle a bit more and Bella eats some spinach dip and then I suggest that we go home and watch a movie. I hope that "watch a movie" is code for "make out on the couch", but I figure I'll pick a good movie just so it's not a total loss if she doesn't want to swap spit with me.

I decide on "Double Indemnity" because I don't think that I could handle the sexual tension in "The Postman Always Rings Twice" if Bella _isn't_ willing to make out with me on the couch.

We return to an empty house - thank you, Jesus – this day is getting better and better. Bella takes Thomas upstairs to do a wardrobe change and put him down for a nap. I concentrate on trying to give the living room some romantic ambiance. I figure candles seem weird for movie watching, so I just try to strategically arrange the furniture so she has to be really close to me, while still being able to hear the baby monitor which she insists on using even though I can hear everything happening on the third floor without it.

I have the movie cued up and the room just the way I want it, and I pause to listen for Bella upstairs. I can hear her mumbling softly to Thomas. I decide to leave a note for my family to leave us the hell alone if they get back soon, and am thinking of creative threats when I realize that I have been so preoccupied with making my nefarious little plans that I haven't been paying attention to anything else.

Which has allowed the mysterious Victoria to sneak all the way up on me without catching her. She's really hard to detect; she's like the vampire equivalent of a greased pig. And the only reason that I even know she's here is because she's got me in a headlock.

I want to yell for Bella to stay where she is, but now it's too late and we are all standing around in the living room; Bella at the base of the stairs looking at us wide-eyed and scared and Victoria and I, me with my head about to get wrenched off.

"This wasn't exactly the way I planned it," she growls in my ear. "I wanted you to watch me kill your pretty little human and her baby. But I guess this will have to do."

I notice that Bella had changed clothes while she was upstairs, into something a little less demure. So maybe if I wasn't about to be decapitated I might have gotten some action tonight. Good to know.

**a/n: The amazing Betham beta'ed this as well as all the other nonsense I send her with little or no notice. Speaking of which, I wrote Bella's POV of chapter 17 - where she has some important girl/succubus talk with Tanya – for the Fandom fights Tsunami compilation. Fandomfightstsunami (dot) blogspot (dot) com. I generally like to use this spot for apologizing for not replying to reviews but it was out of my control this time as this lovely site was preventing me from doing so. So I'll just say that I'm sorry ff (dot) net sucks and thank you for the lovely reviews.**

**I know this one's pretty short so I've got a poem for you from Emmett's Asian poetry writing days. This is a Sijo, a Korean poetic form usually consisting of 3 lines of 14-16 syllables each.**

My wife Rosalie is ultra hot. But she is angry with me.

I have provoked that pansy Edward again.

Now he's playing moody music. I guess I'll go eat a bear.

**xoxo JuJu******


	26. The Big Sleep

"**The Big Sleep"**

So I'm on my knees in the living room with James' mate holding me in a vampire headlock. Not the best position I've ever been in, to be perfectly honest. I don't really have a lot of room to negotiate. I know I can fight her, but I'm reluctant to do so with Bella just a few feet away from us. This could be a bit tricky.

Luckily, Victoria is going all Hollywood villain on us – you know, all "let me reveal to you my plan while you twist in fear" – and she pauses for a few moments, giving us a chance to feel horror and helplessness, because it allows for two things to happen.

The first is the most extraordinary. I'm watching Bella's horrified face, and then I see something amazing and wonderful there. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for seeing it, because I'm not always good at reading Bella's face; I've grown so accustomed to hearing peoples thoughts that I've gotten really lazy. I can see the devastation on her face; I can see how the thought of losing me is affecting her. I see that no matter her demurrals, her doubts, her "what if it's just gratitude" comments, that Bella_ loves_ me. She's looking at me with this look of absolutely tender and heart-wrenching love, and something that has been missing for a century slips into place for me.

I mean, I was completely sincere when I told her that it was enough for her to let me love her. Loving Bella, and by extension, Thomas, has made me feel something powerful and wonderful for the first time in my endless, tedious-ass life. Just to be allowed to feel something that wasn't boredom and to be allowed to care for them has changed my life irrevocably.

But having Bella love me back? It's as if something has snapped into place inside me, like the other half of one of those crappy plastic Easter eggs, and there's something way better than jelly beans inside. It's the unexpected completion of what I feel, and even if she rips my head off I'm glad that this crazy vampire chick showed up.

The second thing that happens because Victoria has decided to go all sinister villain on us and give us a moment to enjoy how powerfully she has us trapped and how fucked we are, is that the baby monitor crackles on and the sound of Thomas crying comes from over next to the couch.

Which totally startles Victoria and gives me the opportunity to grab her by the arms and throw her as hard as I can through the living room window, in the opposite direction of Bella. Esme's gonna be pissed about the curtains but she'll have to get over it.

I follow after her before she can get back in the house because my major concern is that she'll get to Bella and Thomas. As soon as I'm out the window after her she tries to jump past me and back into the house, but I catch her by the leg and toss her away from me again. Which I then realize is not the smartest thing I can do because remember how evasive I said she is? She shoots off into another direction and when I give chase I realize that she's heading back into the house by another route. I can't catch her before she gets to the front door and she slips in and makes for the kitchen. I can hear Bella in there and I'm terrified by the thought that Victoria will get to her.

I turn the corner to the kitchen and am instantly hit in the chest by a swiftly backtracking vampire. Victoria is scrambling backwards away from Bella, who has Esme's crème brulee torch in her hand, with the flame turned up as high as it goes. It's only about five inches, but that's enough to freak a vampire out. We are seriously flammable.

I grab Victoria, and although I am reluctant to do this kind of thing in front of Bella I don't want to take any chances, so I grab her by the neck and rip her head off. Bella's eyes go a little wider, and I mouth "sorry" to her as I drag both parts of the vampire out of the kitchen and back out of the house. I toss her body out the door ahead of me and carry the head outside by the hair, kind of the way little girls carry decapitated Barbie doll heads.

Then, Alice's yellow Porsche pulls into the driveway at unsafe speeds. Nice timing, Alice. You couldn't have been here during the vampire attack, right?

"Edward, I'm so sorry!" Alice jumps out of the driver's seat, followed by Jasper. "I got everyone out of the house because it looked like…" Alice's head is filled with a vision of Bella and I - Yep, I was right! - making out on the couch. "As soon as I saw it change I turned right around!"

"It's fine," I say, tossing Jasper the vampire head. "Burn this, won't you? I'm going to go see if Bella's OK."

Emmett's Jeep pulls into the driveway at that point and, when he sees what Jasper is doing, he rubs his hands together and says, "Ooh, barbeque _again_?"

I turn around to see Bella on the deck, still holding the crème brulee torch and breathing hard. Her eyes are wide with terror and she's shaking. I walk back up the stairs and approach her carefully, with my hands out in a non-threatening manner.

"It's OK, Sweetie," I coo at her. At the sound of my voice, her eyes snap up to my face and fill with tears.

"I was so scared she was going to…" Bella bursts into tears and I wrap my arms around her and shush her. She shakes against me, mumbling into my chest. I realize that she's still got the crème brulee torch in her hand and that it would really be my preference if she dropped it. Not that I think she'll hurt me, but accidents happen in the home and I'm a little squeamish about fire. Like I said, seriously flammable.

"Here, honey, give me the torch," I murmur to Bella.

"She used the 'Blazer'?" Emmett asks.

"What are you talking about?" Rosalie asks him. Emmett points excitedly to the crème brulee torch, which I have gotten custody of now.

"That's the 'Blazer GB2001,'" Emmett says proudly. "That's the finest hand-held micro-torch you can buy. Pretty nice, huh Bella?" He tries to get her attention while I glare at him.

"Emmett, she's really scared," I hiss at him. "Can you please fuck off?"

"Why did you buy a crème brulee torch, anyway?" Jasper is finishing up torching the vampire detritus.

"I thought we could make some for Bella," Emmett says, shrugging.

"That thing just looks like over-kill," Rosalie says. "I mean, the ones on the Food Network are little things." She holds her hands a few inches apart. "That thing's a monster."

"Emmett's just compensating for his miniscule little frozen penis," Jasper laughs as he works on raking the vampire ashes up from the backyard. Esme swears that they're not good for the roses.

"Hey, I'm not the one who refused to wear the leather pants last Halloween," Emmett yells from the deck, where he's admiring his torch.

"They were too tight," Jasper mumbles. "Who dresses up as Jim Morrison for Halloween ,anyway?"

"It was my turn to pick!" Emmett hollers. "I went along with your stupid idea the year before."

"The Prisoner is not stupid! It's an amazing allegory for the confusion of modern life and man's search for identity."

"Nobody knew who we were, Jasper. We were running around in blazers and little number badges. It was embarrassing."

"If we lived in England, people would have gotten it," Jasper mumbles, bagging up the last of the ashes.

"Can you guys shut up?" I hiss. Bella has stopped shaking, but her face is still buried in my chest. I nudge her head with my chin, lightly.

"Bella? Sweetie? Let's go see Thomas, OK?" Bella jerks sharply away from me and looks at me with horror.

'Oh my God! Thomas!" She turns to go into the house. "I forgot about him crying!" She starts to run up the stairs and I grab her hand.

"Bella, he's fine. I can hear his heartbeat. He's sleeping. I just think it'd be good for you to lay down with him for a while, OK?" She takes a deep breath and nods.

Thomas is sleeping away soundly, like I said, completely unaware of the vampire-on-vampire action we had going on for a while. Which would sound hot if it was like written on a DVD case or something; but , in this situation, not so much.

Bella lies down next to him and I prop myself up on the pillows on the other side of him. I stroke her hair gently.

"Everything's OK, Bella. I know that was scary, but it's over now," I murmur to her. She looks up at me shyly.

"Edward, about what I said earlier…" I am so stoked that I'm positive I know what she's going to say this time. It's such a rare experience for me with Bella. I can't decide whether to interrupt her and yell "I know. You LOVE me!" or let her say it so I can hear it come out of her mouth. And possibly record it on my iPhone. I think I have an app that does that.

I decide on the latter just in case I'm wrong. I mean, I don't want to make a fool of myself only to have her say that she'd decided that she'd rather watch "Coming to America" than "Double Indemnity."

"When I thought that woman was going to tear your head off, it made me realize how devastated I'd be and that I love you." I high-five myself internally and smile at her, as if it's this huge surprise. I lean over and give her a kiss, whispering, 'I love you too, Bella."

Big ole romantic scene, huh?

So, I guess things are going really smoothly and I have to screw things up.

It's just that Bella never changed clothes, and she's wearing this little sundress that she put on when we got back here and I'm staring down at her breasts and thinking about sex and, of course, I'm one Victorian mother-fucker, so I immediately think about marriage and stuff, because that's what we do. It's like a Victorian-Pavlovian response.

So then I open my big stupid vampire mouth and ask Bella if she's given any thought to my proposal. Again. As if we didn't just talk about this like a few days ago with her mom. Like I've put a "kick me" sign on my own back.

She sighs. Bad sign. "I haven't really given it any more thought since three days ago," she says, smiling sweetly at me.

Then she continues, "You understand that it doesn't have anything to do with you, right? My parents got divorced really young and I just don't have a lot of faith in the institution."

"I know, Bella, but if you think about it, I have like 110 years of experience of thinking marriage is this sacred institution and that if you love someone then you marry them. Is it fair to let your eighteen years of experience override my 110 years of experience?" You can see, gentle reader, that this is exactly where I went off the rails.

Her mouth twitches slightly. I can't tell if she's going to laugh at me or be upset. I'd like to stuff the words back into my mouth because I can't just pretend that her feelings don't matter just because I'm older than fossil fuels.

"I understand that it's important to you," she says, yawning. "I will give it some more thought, but I still think it's too soon." She curls down closer to Thomas and asks me sleepily, "Do you want to wait until we get married to have sex? Is that what's happening?"

"Would that convince you?" I ask, not really thinking about what I'm saying. I totally don't want to wait. But, apparently, I don't want to wait to think before I blurt shit out to her, either.

Her eyes pop back open. "I'm not sure. Do you think you could hold off?" Her eyes narrow at me and she gives me a sultry smile. I just stare. I have no words. She stretches her arm up to me and strokes her hand lightly across my chest.

"No," I blurt out and lunge down and kiss her. I'm pulling her up closer to me, trying not to disturb Thomas. Bella makes a little squeaky-breathy sound in her throat and my hands decide that they are not accountable for their actions or invested in acting like gentlemen and, before I think about the consequences, my hand is making this big stroke from her waist to her breast while the other one pulls on the strap of her dress so I can touch her bare shoulder.

She makes another, louder noise that sounds less squeaky and more moan-y. My hand decides it's going to live on her breast, perhaps forever.

You would think at this point that, with my luck, Thomas would wake up or the house would catch on fire. What actually happens is that I think, with the tiny percentage of my brain that isn't thinking about how to get Bella out of her clothes, about vampire hearing. More specifically, Bella's potential discomfort when she realizes that my family can hear every moan, zipper and thump, even from the third floor.

I think about not telling her about it. But then I start thinking about things that are romantic and things that are not.

Things that are romantic:

Bella's and my first time together

Roses

Being alone with each other

Spending time as a family

Jane Austen novels

Waiting for 100 years for my true love

And…

Things that are not romantic:

Emmett listening to us have our first time together

Dirty diapers

Listening to Alex Trebek because Carlisle is trying to give us some privacy and he's turned "Jeopardy" way up

Waking Thomas up

Proposing on the scoreboard at your favorite sporting event but still painting your entire upper body with your team's colors

Emmett giving Jasper a play-by play of Bella's and my first time together

And all of these things, except perhaps the scoreboard proposal, are likely to happen if I continue to play grabby hands with Bella right now.

So, with the biggest, most reluctant sigh in the world I pull away and whisper to Bella, "We have to stop."

The look she gives me makes me glad I got the crème brulee torch away from her. I shrug my shoulders and gesture to the floor of the bedroom.

"They can all hear us, huh?" she asks, running her fingers through her hair and pulling the strap of her dress back up.

"Yeah, sorry," I say, watching her with regret as she takes a deep breath and then gets up and pulls her pajamas out of a drawer.

"No, I appreciate your telling me. I really don't need Laurent knowing whether I'm a screamer or a moaner." The effect her words have on me is instantaneous and noticeable.

"I have to go, uh, take a walk," I get up, stiffly. (Yeah, I couldn't resist) "I'll be back in a bit."

I do the "I have a boner" walk of shame through the house and ignore my brothers' laughs. Alice is sitting at her laptop at the kitchen table and she holds out a piece of paper over her shoulder as I walk by.

"What's that?" I growl.

"Hotel reservations. Portland. You'll leave tomorrow. Come back a happier vampire."

I take the piece of paper and run out into the woods, thanking my sister for her gift and doing my best to think of Angela Lansbury's performance in "Bedknobs and Broomsticks."

I'm so worked up it almost fails.

**a/n: The lovely and talented Betham beta'ed this, all things awkward belong to me. I think I got review replies to everyone who had PM enabled, my apologies if I missed you. The amazing TwiCarol made me this hilarious blinkie: http : / bit (dot) ly / lONlvF (remove my dots and spaces) Pay special attention to Edward's "Angela Lansbury" face and the office supplies. It's awesome! Thanks for reading! xoxo JuJu**


	27. Human Desire

"**H****uman Desire"**

There are some things that even listening to the thoughts of every single person you've ever met won't teach you. You don't learn it from being a voracious reader who never forgets anything, no matter how much you might want to (I'm talking about you, "Hannibal." Pigs? Really?). You don't pick it up from watching movies practically since the art of cinema was born. (I feel obliged to mention that "Nosferatu" was a load of crap) And you don't get it from advice from the wisest father a vampire could have.

You just don't learn it until you're in a car with your beloved, the woman you are convinced is your mate, the woman who you want to _literally_ spend eternity with, and the two of you decide to listen to some music.

It's not until then that you realize that a ninety-year age difference means that you two have _very _different taste in music, and that the tickets you got to the Django Reinhardt festival in Portland this weekend just might not go over as well as you had hoped.

How do normal couples deal with this stuff? They might actually talk to each other before assuming that their loved one is as interested in gypsy jazz as they are. Not me. I just go ahead and express my profound disappointment and swear I really wasn't looking forward to it.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Bella is saying. "It's not that I'm uninterested. I just am not a big fan of jazz. I mean, I'm eighteen!" She shrugs her shoulders emphatically. "We're not exactly famous for our love of jazz."

"It's OK. If you hate it, we'll leave and go listen to Justin Bieber or whatever it is that you _teenagers_ listen to." For the record, I will _not_ listen to Justin Bieber. I will only pretend for her sake. And I might be sulking just a little bit.

"I don't want to listen to Justin Bieber. I just said that I am not the jazz fan you are. It's OK. We don't have to like all of the same things. We're allowed to have separate interests. I mean, you like watching teenage girls sleep and I don't."

"Have you ever tried it?" I ask her with a grin. "Maybe you'd like it. You never know."

"I've been to sleepovers, you know, back when I had friends that slept and stuff. It's over-rated." She smiles at me sweetly. "You know, all we did is practice French kissing and have pillow fights in our underwear."

The Volvo deviates slightly from our side of the road as I stare at her.

"Just kidding, " she giggles.

The other glitch I'm running into in the transition between Bella Swan-obsession and Bella Swan-girlfriend is that she was intriguing to me because of her closed mind. But now that she's my girlfriend I really want to know what's going on in there, and she's not exactly the most talkative thing in the world. I mean, I want her to spill all sorts of secret thoughts and insights and desires to me, but she just doesn't. She doesn't even keep a diary. I've looked.

I'm also feeling torn about this whole "having sex" thing. On one hand, my romantic side, my born-in-1901 side is telling me that it's not respectful to Bella and that I should wait until she agrees to marry me. Like that's gonna happen.

On the other hand, my teenage side as well as my virginity-burning-a-hole-in-my-pocket side are pushing me to put on some Isaac Hayes music and put the moves on my girlfriend.

I get the distinct impression that Bella would have sex with me. I gather, from her previous comments, that _not_ having sex would actually be a deal-breaker. I have to remind myself that she's grown up in a very different world than I did, one with MTV, Grand Theft Auto, and scantily-clad Disney heroines. The world is a much more sexualized place than it was when I was a kid and premarital sex is much more commonplace, as you can probably guess from my eighteen-year-old girlfriend's extra little tax deduction.

Speaking of tax deductions, Thomas is being a pretty portable baby today, all things considered. It is a pretty long drive to Portland but he manages to sleep, eat and be a non-crier for most of it. Being late summer in the Pacific Northwest, it's warm while not being so sunny that I attract undue attention for being iridescent. It's a fantastic day for a road trip.

We arrive in Portland in the early evening and I take Bella and Thomas out for dinner in one of those free-range beef, organic produce, fair trade-coffee serving places. You know, kind of like how people ate when I was a kid. Except with artisan cheese. Whatever _that_ is.

So we get Thomas settled in and I decide that nothing says "romance" like one of my color-coded lists of things that Bella and I should talk about. Luckily, I might have brought one.

Bella pouts. "I honestly thought that you brought us here so you and I could spend some time alone." She puts her hand on my chest and looks up at me with those big brown eyes. She's killing me. Metaphorically.

"Bella, Sweetie, I do want to spend time alone with you." I put my hand over hers to hold it in place because it's starting to…wander. "I just want to talk with you about some stuff." She smiles sweetly at me.

"OK," she says, acquiescing a little too easily. "Let's sit down on the couch."

I let her pull me over to the couch and take a seat. I decide that I will try to talk to her with her in my lap rather than making her move. It's all about compromise, right?

"So, one of the things that I think that we need to talk about, now that we've agreed that we love each other," I can't resist smiling sappily at her when I say this. "Is marriage." She nods. "You agree?" I ask, surprised.

"Yeah, we haven't talked about marriage in at least two days," she says. "I got worried," she adds dryly.

"Ha, ha, smart-ass. Fine then, we'll talk about vampires instead," she turns to face me and pushes her mouth against my neck.

"Why, do vampires make you hot?" she pretends to bite my neck and I have to pull her head away gently.

"Bella, I can't focus when you're doing that." I try to push her away from me a little so I can show her I'm serious. "We have to talk about how you, you know, aren't like me."

"That's exactly what I was going to investigate!" she says, laughing as she nuzzles her face against mine again and starts undoing my top button. I clap my hands down on hers again.

"I mean the vampire thing." I just really feel like Bella has to know what she's getting into with all this. I don't want to lose her and that means I'll eventually have to change her. But what about Thomas? And does she even want to be with me forever?

"Oh, Alice already talked to me about that," she waves her hand dismissively. "She said you were going to worry about hurting me but that you wouldn't."

"Hurting you? What are you…" I stop, stunned. "Are you talking about when we…" I can't think of any way to put it except waving in between the two of us, which is the universal gesture for "fooling around," I guess.

"Yes, Alice said we would be fine." She nods to me confidently and leans over to kiss me again. Which shuts me up for about a minute. As does the ickiness of my sister and girlfriend talking about sex. But then I remember that there were more things I wanted to talk about.

"Bella, that wasn't all," I mumble around her mouth. She grumbles and pulls away.

"Edward, if you don't want to…" I don't even let her finish that blasphemy.

"I want to, really." I look into her eyes so she can see just how earnest I am. _"Really._ I just think that we should talk about some stuff first and...I think we should take it slow. I'm having a moral crisis here. I was born in 1901, Bella. This is _weird_ for me."

She nods and smiles at me. "I understand. I'll try not to be so aggressive. I thought you were just…shy." She slides part way off my lap so her legs are still across mine and her head is resting on my chest. I play with her long, dark hair while she runs her hand lightly across my chest. I decide that I really am the world's biggest girl since this actually makes me even happier than all of her seduction attempts. Not that those weren't pretty awesome, too.

I explain my 17 year-old boy vs. world's oldest living Victorian gentleman thing to her. She seems to understand.

"I'm sorry if I scandalized your inner Victorian gentleman, Edward," she flutters her lashes at me. "I'll try to be more considerate."

"You don't have to apologize. I probably send some mixed messages. And I am pretty irresistible. I could see why you might have trouble keeping your clothes on around me."

She rolls her eyes at me so I figure I should move on to my other agenda item: immortality.

"The other thing is that we need to talk about what you want in terms of…" I don't really know how to put it. Especially since what I _really_ want to talk about is not so much what _she_ wants but what _I_ want. Tricky. How to make it seem like her idea?

"Are you talking about me becoming…like you?" she asks, nervousness filling her voice. I nod, watching her eyes carefully. She's so hard to read!

"I…I haven't really thought…that's not true, I _have_ thought about it. I just don't know how to make it work, Edward." She looks at me sadly. "What about Thomas? If it was just me I would probably beg you to change me so I could be with you forever, so I didn't have to think about leaving you alone when I get old and die."

She sighs and leans back a little, putting some space in between us. "But if it wasn't for Thomas, we wouldn't have met, you realize that?" I nod, because she's right about all of it and I feel selfish asking her for something like this.

She looks at me gently. "But I understand why it's important, not just because of how we feel but because of the Italians." I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Carlisle told me about the Italians. He said to not let it affect my decisions, that you guys would do everything you could to keep me safe."

"We will, Bella. I don't want to pressure you to do something that you'll regret." I pull her closer again. "Just think about it, OK?" She nods against my chest.

I let out a big exhale. "Whew! That was a mood killer, huh?" Bella giggles.

"Hey Bella, instead of making out let's talk about death and creepy Italian vampires and me infecting you with my venom," I say in an exaggerated voice as she laughs.

"Although, maybe I _want_ you to infect me with your venom," she purrs and crawls back into my lap. Then she stops and looks at me questioningly.

"If we keep our clothes on can I manhandle your Victorian gentleman a little?" she asks sweetly. Which is the weirdest euphemism I've ever heard but I kind of asked for it, right?

I manage to get an uninterrupted dose of "face-time" with my girl, without the phone ringing – because I turned them both off – and without worrying about being overheard. I really don't want to be indiscreet but I _will_ say that breasts are pretty awesome.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to die of happiness. Oh, yeah. Too late.

**a/n: The lovely and talented Betham beta'ed this so please me kind to her; she works hard to fix the mess I send her. The incredible TwiCarol wrote a lovely rec for this on Jasper's Naughty Girls (just the name makes me blush) in addition to making me a really cool blinkie. Both links are on my profile.**

**I, unfortunately, will not be able to update next week but I'll be back the week after. I have an overly ambitious plan for my classroom's graduation which means I will be making things out of paper mache and felt all week and am spending my weekend at a traditional jazz festival with all the other ultra hip people. (by which I mean, all of the oldest people in Northern California) My apologies and I promise to be back on the 8th. Thanks for the reviews! xoxo JuJu**


	28. Stool Pigeon

**Stool pigeon**

Bella and I returned from Portland to discover that Emmett had been experimenting with Laurent's look. We walked into the house to see Laurent looking not so much like the Three Musketeers had instituted affirmative action but more like…a Rastafarian?

His dreads had been stuffed into one of those enormous red, yellow and green knit hats and he was wearing a shirt with a glow-in-the-dark pot leaf on it.

"What's with the new look, Laurent?" Bella asked him, the corner of her mouth turning up slightly.

"Emmett said that I am too 'conspicuous' in my old clothes. He says I need to fit in better if I am going to live among humans." Laurent looked down at his new clothes with a look of concern. He's apparently also wearing hemp sandals.

"I'm not sure that this look is going to be…uh…less noticeable in Forks," Bella says, trying to be polite. "I mean, it's Forks, not someplace with a lot of…" She looks at me. "What's a place with a lot of stoners?"

"How am I supposed to know?" I ask her. "Like I've ever smoked pot?"

"How about Denver?" Carlisle says, looking up from his book.

"My first thought was Berkeley, " Esme says, without looking up from her magazine. Carlisle looks at her and nods. "Good call," he says.

Emmett comes in just then with a hacky sack in his hand.

"Emmett, I'm not sure that this look is the best for Laurent in terms of staying 'low profile,' you know what I mean?" I look at him skeptically.

"Dude, this look is perfect!" Emmett tosses the hacky sack to Laurent who catches it with his hands and then tentatively tosses it back to him. "No, man. You have to hit it back with your feet. Like this." Emmett kicks the tiny beanbag back to Laurent. Who kicks it back to Emmett so hard that it hits him in the side and disintegrates in an explosion of thread and beans.

"I am so sorry, Esme," Laurent rushes over to pick up the debris. Emmett just shakes his head. "We gonna have to work on that part."

"I just think my dad's going to pull him over and search his car**,** like, once a week," Bella says, laughing. "Which is cool**,** except that sometimes you guys have some weird stuff in your cars."

"Like what?" Emmett asks. "I mean, besides last week when we had Laurent's buddy in there."

"Well, I found some of my old clothes in the back of the Jeep when I was looking for Thomas's bunny hat."

"That's totally Edward's fault," Emmett says. "He's the one who was huffing your sweaters."

"Yeah, that was my fault," I say, shrugging my shoulders. Bella smiles at me sweetly.

"Yeah, but I know that wasn't your six pints of blood and gallon of corn syrup in the back of the Mercedes last week."

Carlisle looks sheepish. "Yeah, those were mine. I was doing some experiments."

"That's totally fine, Carlisle, but the hand cuffs and the three bags of cement might have tipped my dad off that there's something funny about you guys." Bella smiles at my family gently. Emmett and Esme raise their hands.

"Well, he's not going to be in Forks, right? I'm pretty sure they're going to be setting up shop in Port Angeles." I say this with less certainty than I feel**,** but if the girls are going to be encouraging any kind of sexual exploration I want it to be out of mind-reading range for me. The thought of some of the residents of Forks getting their freak on in new and more creative ways gives me the shivers, frankly.

"Yeah, that's the plan," Carlisle says. "Speaking of big travels, how was your trip?"

Bella blushes. Which makes me kind of giggly. "It was good. Who knew that many people liked jazz, huh?" She grabs Thomas' enormous bag of baby tools and gives us a little wave. "I'm going to go give him a bath and maybe take a nap."

I make a move to go with her but she waves me back. "You get caught up with your family. You probably need to hunt soon**,** too, right?" I shake my head reluctantly. She walks out of the room and I stare at the door.

"You know, Edward, even people who love each other need time apart," Esme's voice is gentle. I shake my head at her.

'You guys never even think about 'needing space' or whatever." I start to get paranoid. Has Bella said something to Esme about getting sick of me? That would be awful. And embarrassing.

"The couples in this house are mated pairs." Carlisle's voice is just as gentle. "It's different for us."

"I'm pretty sure she's my mate," I say to Carlisle. "I mean, what would be the point of her mind being silent to me? And her being the only one I…respond to." I really hope Carlisle gets what I am saying here because talking about this stuff in front of my mom is pretty much my idea of Hell.

"She might be**,** but I've never heard of a vampire mating with a human. It's possible she won't feel the strength of the mate bond unless she's changed." Carlisle looks at me earnestly. "Have you two talked about that yet?"

I nod. "Yeah, we did. But it's complicated. She says she needs to think about it." I suddenly get an idea. 'Do you think there's any way we can ask if your freaky Italian buddies have ever heard of this happening? I mean, in an 'a friend of mine has a friend who this happened to' way?"

Carlisle looks at Esme nervously and then turns back to me to speak. But before he can get a word out**,** Laurent pokes his enormous Rastafarian head back into the living room.

"Edward, I forgot to tell you, while you were in Portland a man called for you. I took the message." Laurent looks really proud of himself, like taking this phone message might have cured cancer or something. I nod to him to continue.

"He asked for you and I said that you were in Portland with your human girlfriend and son. He said that he would call back and that he hoped to see you soon."

"Who was it?" I ask, a little unnerved by the 'human girlfriend' part.

"He said his name was Aro. He is a friend of your father's," Laurent smiled at Carlisle proudly. Like a naïve, dreadlocked child. Who I'm apparently going to have to kill. After I deal with the entire Volturi guard. Fuck.

"Did you know about this?" I ask Carlisle, my voice a little high-pitched for someone who went through puberty back when you had to crank start your car. He nods.

"We were just about to tell you," Carlisle reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. He hands it to me.

I kid you not, it's one of those emails you can have airlines send your loved ones with flight details. This one's for Aro Volturi and a bunch of his goons taking a flight out of Italy tonight. Those assholes have even pre-ordered the vegetarian meal. Very funny, you dicks.

"What are we going to do?" I drop my voice down to a hiss. The last thing I want to do is let Bella know about this.

"There's not much we can do but hope he'll see reason," Carlisle says with a sigh. "I mean, he's only bringing his brothers and three members of the guard**,** so he probably hasn't made a clear decision to destroy us."

I nod, "Yeah, but you know he's not going to give us any choice about Bella. And what about Thomas? I can't imagine Aro being cool with us having two humans know about us!"

"Well, don't forget that we weren't the ones to tell her," Emmett sits down on the couch next to me. "I mean, we could just claim to be keeping her close to make sure she doesn't tell, right?"

"Aro reads minds, right?" I ask Carlisle. He nods. I look at Emmett, waiting for him to notice that his idea is dumb. He just stares back at me.

"What?" he finally says.

"Actually, Emmett might have an idea there," Carlisle says thoughtfully.

"What, are we working on Emmett's self**-**esteem again? Because I am not doing affirmations with him again."

"You're just pissed because you had to say 'I love my hair and don't mind looking like this for eternity,'" Emmett laughs. I flip him off.

"No, I was just thinking about your inability to read Bella's mind. If it works the same for Aro**,** we could use that to our advantage. We could make sure that she's the only one he touches**,** and try to make Emmett's idea work."

"I don't want Bella or Thomas within one hundred miles of this place when they get here!" Yes, I know how ridiculous this sounds. No**,** I don't think that Aro's going to show up and go, "Oh, she's not here? My bad, sorry I missed her, ta ta!"

"Yeah, uh, Edward, I don't think not having them here is going to be an option," Carlisle looks at me with pity. Because I am pitiful. Ergo the looks of pity.

"Ok, but I don't want her to know." I get up from the couch and get ready to go out hunting. "There's no point in scaring her when there's nothing she can do."

"Yeah, that's a good plan. Because chicks dig surprises." Emmett follows me out the door. I can't actually feel pain unless someone pulls of a limb or something**,** but realizing that Emmett is right is painful to me. I'd rather have something pulled off, truthfully.

Well, not that. I might have plans for that.

Emmett and I chow down on some deer and make our way back to the house.

"Cheer up, Eddie, I'm sure we'll figure something out," Emmett pats my back. "Aro will probably just make us change Bella. That's what you want, right?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't think that's what she wants and it doesn't resolve the whole 'Thomas' issue**,** either." Emmett looks at me curiously, like he just noticed I have facial features or something.

"What?" I ask. "Do I have like deer boogers or something?" And, no, I didn't coin the expression. That would be Rosalie. While we lack the nasal discharge to get real boogers**,** sometimes you get fur or tissue or whatever in your nose. Voila! "Deer boogers." Just in case you thought Rosalie and Emmett weren't made for each other.

"Naw, man." Emmett just shakes his head. "You just were so busy thinking about what someone else wanted that you didn't remind me not to call you 'Eddie.' It's nice to see you be the other half of a couple instead of an isolated, neurotic dick."

"Thanks, Em. I'm all warm and fuzzy now." I give him a dry smile. "You think there's a Hallmark card that says that?"

"You shoulda looked when you were getting Bella that 'I like making out with you more than I want to drink your blood' card." Emmett shoves me into a tree and takes off back to the house. He also locks me out so I have to climb in the upstairs window. Which surprises Bella. But not as much as the news that she's about to make some new friends is going to, I'm guessing.

"Hey, sweetie, what's wrong?" She looks at me with concern and pats the bed next to her. She and Thomas have already gotten their pjs on and they're just adorable. It makes me really scared about what might happen.

"Well, we're going to have some visitors tomorrow," I say, sitting down next to her and picking at the bedspread like the woebegone undead creature I am.

"Honey, talk to me," she says, clearly concerned, pulling me towards her. I rest my head against her stomach with her hands in my hair. This is the nice part about being upset. I'm pretty pissed about all those years that my only option was being brooding and miserable rather than having Bella comfort me.

"The Volturi are coming. They know about you and Thomas and I don't know what they're going to do." She rubs my head and makes soothing noises.

"Well, what do you think might happen?" she asks, gently. She doesn't even sound that upset. Clearly she's smoking the weed that Laurent isn't.

"Well, they could kill you guys." I just thought I'd lead with something like that. "Or they could make us change you."

"Well, obviously I'd prefer the second option," she says. Yep, she's smoking pot. I'm wondering if I should get her some Doritos or something.

"How are you so calm about this?" I raise my head to look at her. Her eyes are suspiciously clear and she doesn't smell like pot.

"I trust that we're going to do whatever we can to keep Thomas safe. It's not like we had no idea this could happen, right?" She shrugs and pulls me back down to her. It _is_ pretty nice there. I'll have to do whatever I can to make sure I can continue to have her to comfort me.

I'm so anxious that even if I could sleep I wouldn't be able to sleep. Plus Laurent is playing Bob Marley. I hate Bob Marley.

**a/n: The patient and tolerant Betham betas this so if you see her give her a pat on the back and an "awww" of sympathy. Thank you for all your reviews and fond wishes for my Memorial Day Jazzapolooza. **

**Again, I have stolen from the sublime and beautiful WriteOnTime who coined the phrase "sweater-huffing" in a review. But rather than theft, I like to think of it as a sort of post-modern "borrowing." It takes a village to write something this ridiculous.**

**There are only two "normal" chapters of this left. Then there is a two-part thing about Thomas that will serve as an epilogue of sorts and then a couple of outtakes, like the "Great Carport Debate of 1967" and some Bella POV. I'll probably post it all under this story, though. **

**Thanks! xoxo JuJu**


	29. Notorious

**Notorious**

In the face of our impending doom, I was torn between sitting downstairs and hashing out strategy with my family or staying with Bella and Thomas. Kitchen table with Jasper and Emmett vs. bed with Bella?

Ok, not such a tough choice, actually.

Plus, I decided that if I'm going to be a pile of vampire ash in the coming day, which might very well happen if Aro wants to hurt Bella or Thomas, then I want to spend my last hours on earth with my girl and my baby.

Additionally, I can hear the discussion from where I am, and being here and being forced to stay quiet so that Bella and Thomas could sleep kept me from yelling, "Really, Emmett? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" several times during the night.

When Thomas woke Bella up in the middle of the night to eat, she asked me sleepily if I was all right.

"As well as could be expected considering what's going on." Yeah, I'm moping a bit. She looks at me tenderly and strokes my face with her free hand.

"We'll work something out," she says, snuggling back into the pillows. I wish I could have her faith, but instead I just have her to cling to in my anxiety.

We check the status on Aro's flight online – yeah, and that's not weird or anything - and estimate when they'll get here. When Bella and Thomas get up, I join the pow-wow in the kitchen. Alice and Carlisle are out hunting.

"It seems to me that putting on a big show of strength would be to our advantage," Jasper was saying.

"Or they will just perceive us as a bigger threat and charbroil all of us," Rosalie said.

"What does Alice say?" I asked, because, duh! Clairvoyant, right?

"It keeps changing based on whether we invite the wolves or not, but she just keeps saying to make sure we dress nicely." Emmett frowns slightly.

"'Dress nicely?' Like they are going to be less likely to rip off limbs if they have to tear my suit?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Do you need anything ironed?" Esme asks me. I just stare at her.

Bella comes in then. "You know, it must be so weird having vampire visitors. I mean, how do you show that you're a good host? You can't exactly offer them something to eat. They don't need to sit down and relax. You don't even have to make sure there's toilet paper in the bathroom. It's weird."

"No, you know what's weird?" I say. "The fact that you are freakishly calm about this. _That's_ what's weird."

Bella calmly pours herself a bowl of cereal as my family tries to sneak out of the kitchen. Except Emmett, who wants to watch us argue but then gets pulled out by Rosalie.

"I think everything will be fine," she says, handing me Thomas so she can get out the milk. I bury my face next to his fuzzy head and mumble, "Your mom's freaking me out."

"Stop it, Edward," she says, her mouth half-full of Lucky Charms. "Don't say stuff like that to him. I don't tell him you're a stalker or that you ate Bambi."

"It's not like he understands me," I say, trying to fight off a smile.

"You don't know that. You can't read his mind." The teasing smirk suddenly leaves Bella's face and is replaced by a thoughtful look.

"What?" I say. Have I mentioned how furious her lockbox-head is to me?

"I just had an idea," she says, looking at Thomas thoughtfully.

Just then Alice comes in. I try to get into her head, but she's trying to figure out if she has to move the zipper on one of Rosalie's skirts to fit Bella.

"You're still thinking about clothes?" I ask, getting up. Thomas and I are going to blow this pop stand if someone doesn't start making a serious plan here.

"Yeah, clothes are an important part of Bella's plan," Alice says, winking at Bella. Bella raises her spoon in acknowledgement.

"Anyone going to fill me in? You know, so I don't freak out?" Bella looks at Alice, who shakes her head.

"No, it's better if you don't know," Alice says. "But you can go give Thomas a bath so I can get Bella ready."

I scowl at Alice. All of a sudden I'm like the vampire-nanny and not important enough to know what the hell is going on.

"Thanks, Sweetie," Bella puts her bowl in the sink and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I guess I'm bathing the baby and not complaining about it. Much.

Thomas and I manage to get cleaned up and, since we are apparently just pawns here, we put on the clothes Alice and Bella put out for us; namely a suit for me and a navy blue baby bag-thingie for the squirmy one. You know, the ones that are like a dress but they pull closed at the bottom? I think about arguing for something more masculine for the sake of Thomas' pride, but he doesn't even have neck muscles yet - let alone a fragile male ego - so I let it go.

Alice has actually shooed Laurent and the cousins away for the day, so I guess we are going for the "we are a small, innocent (blood-sucking) family" approach with the Italians.

Seriously, we look like we're going to church on Easter Sunday. Except that Emmett and Jasper aren't allowed in most of the churches in Forks anymore. Long story short: some of those big fancy windows are kind of fragile and with the singing of hymns, louder is not always better. And apparently people are willing to put aside religious differences when it comes to blackballing troublemakers. Who knew that Emmett could bring people together across denominational rifts like that?

I'm trying to keep the baby spittle off my suit and keep myself chill, and everyone else is just staying out of my way. Finally, I hear a car approaching. Emmett and I look out the window to see a nondescript silver minivan pull into the driveway. You heard me, the bad-ass Italian vampires rented a freakin' minivan.

"Is that a Windstar?" Emmett asks me, just as shocked as I am.

"That's a Windstar, Emmett," I respond.

The six vampires get out. I'm guessing that this is why they ended up in a minivan. Felix, who's bigger than Emmett, has been driving and he pushes the button on the key chain to lock it. It makes this weird triple beeping noise.

"Jane," he says. 'You didn't close the door all the way."

Jane, who was changed when she was like fourteen and has obviously been premenstrual ever since then, glares at him. "I closed my door. Talk to Demitri."

"Whatever, it's probably the back." Demitri walks around to the back door where Marcus, one of the brothers, has a bag he has pulled out of the mini-van.

"Children, are you going to bicker like this the entire time?" Aro addresses them, brushing off his I'd dark suit and looking towards the house.

"Not if Jane closes her door all the way, " Felix mumbles, trying to lock the car again and still getting a weird beep.

"No one is going to steal our minivan," Caius says to Felix, rolling his red eyes. "We're in the middle of nowhere, visiting a house full of vampires."

"We wouldn't be having this problem if you had reserved a decent vehicle for us," Demitri says to Felix, trying the other doors to see if they're ajar.

"The agency made the mistake. This was not my…" he's cut off by the screeching of the car alarm as Demitri opens the passenger door.

Aro and Marcus put their hands over their ears, thankfully, because Emmett and I are howling with laughter at the window.

"Felix! Stop that noise at once!" Caius barks at Felix, who is randomly pressing buttons.

Demitri grabs the keys from him and presses a button, shutting off the alarm. Then he smirks at him and Felix flips him off.

Carlisle steps out onto the porch and opens his arms to Aro warmly.

"Aro, Caius, Marcus. How good of you to come visit us." He ushers them into the living room, where Emmett and I have just barely managed to control ourselves.

Jane sees Thomas in my arms. "What's that?" she spits.

"It's called a baby, Jane," Felix says. "They turn into bigger people. Or not, in your case." She glares at him.

"You have a baby?" Marcus looks at me curiously. Marcus is a little odd and I'm not really sure he knows that I can't have babies.

"This is Thomas," I say. "He's…"

"He's my son," Bella's voice cuts me off as she comes into the living room. "You must be the three brothers I've heard so much about. But you'll have to tell me who's who." She laughs and introduces herself to Aro, who is standing the closest to her.

While I stand there with my mouth gaping open, the shy teenage girl I thought I knew introduces herself casually to the three brothers and then takes a seat on the couch.

"Edward?" I hear her say my name and I look over to see her patting the couch next to her. I take a seat obediently and there we are: a couple of pretty passive vegetarian vampires, a bunch of really old vampires who prefer human blood and regulating on folks, and a human teenager and an infant. Odd crowd, you know what I mean?

Bella gives Aro a warm smile and leans towards him. "Aro, it's so nice of you to come to visit. It saves us a trip to Italy with a baby. And trust me, flying with an infant is no fun." She laughs, and Aro, freakishly, laughs with her.

Listen," she continues. "I know that it's a violation of your laws for me to know about all this vampire stuff." Bella waves her hand around the room, I guess to indicate the substantial amount of vampire stuff she is surrounded by. "But the Cullens weren't the ones to tell me about it. And I'm involved with one of them, so it's not as if _I'm_ going to tell anyone." She leans over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"I understand, Isabella," Aro says. "If I could just…" he reaches his creepy hand out to touch hers. Bella lifts her hand up to adjust Thomas' blanket and continues talking.

"I hear you have an amazing gift for reading minds, just like my Edward," she says to him and, I swear to God, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen, but Bella is flirting with this crazy old –I mean even older than me - mind-reading, Machiavellian, evil-laugh-having vampire.

"My gift resembles Edward's," At this, Aro gives me a patronizing smile. "Except that I can see much more than he can. I can see everything; all your thoughts, all your experiences." I almost want to laugh because Bella is giving him this comically-fake impressed look. I can see Caius rolling his eyes and Demitri is thinking, _"Here we go again! 'I can see everything! Aren't you afraid of me?' Whooooh!" _But Aro is fixated on Bella, and he's holding his pale-ass hand out again to her. 'If you would permit me, my dear Isabella."

Bella smiles at him sweetly and she says, "But you can't _read_ my mind, Aro," as she puts her hand in his.

Aro smirks like he's about to prove her wrong. He stares at her face and then frowns slightly. Then he gets this look of utter confusion when he realizes that she's right. He looks at her hand and then at her and then at her hand.

Caius snorts and then tries to disguise it as a cough and Felix turns quickly to examine one of Esme's vases. Aro looks annoyed as he looks around the room and realizes that everyone is watching him have zero success with reading her mind. I give him a sympathetic smile because, if anyone knows how he feels right about now, it's me.

"Maybe we should talk about this a little more privately," Bella murmurs to him.

"Perhaps we could show your people around a little," Carlisle says, standing up and gesturing for my siblings to do the same. "Rosalie has been restoring a beautiful 1960's Alfa-Romeo. Perhaps you'd like to see it?"

Demitri and Felix get up eagerly but Jane stays where she is, with her arms folded across her chest, just glaring at Bella. Like the adolescent that she is.

"Jane," Aro says, still staring at Bella. He waves his free hand at her and she makes a huffing noise and flounces out.

It's just Aro and his brothers and - truthfully, Marcus isn't really all there, if you know what I mean - sitting in the living room with Bella and I.

Aro stares at Bella for a minute longer, still holding her hand, and then looks at me. "You can't read her mind either?" I shake my head and give him a sympathetic smile. He looks back to Bella, who smiles at him again. Caius interjects then, since he can tell Aro has lost control of the situation. If he ever had it.

"Regardless of who told you, it's against our rules for a human to know what we are. You'll have to be changed or be destroyed." I want to tell him to "fuck off" or something but he hasn't really said anything I didn't expect. I start to say something that I hope won't buy me a head-ectomy, but Bella turns to me briefly and catches my eye. She smiles at me and then turns back to Caius.

"Edward is going to change me," Bella says calmly. I what? I look at her in surprise. She nods at me and continues. "We have to wait until Thomas is older, but Edward will change me. Have you ever done any research on early childhood development?" she leans in to ask Caius, who shakes his head. Aro has recovered from his shock and he is listening to her intently.

"Well," she continues. "The first five years of a child's life are really important in terms of building language skills, emotional and intellectual development and their ability to form relationships. We are going to wait until Thomas is five and in school to change me so we don't mess with his development." Hilariously, Aro and Caius are absolutely hanging on her words. I should have seen this, these guys are obsessed with knowledge and science, it's not like there's anything else that changes in the thousands of years they've been alive.

"If it makes you feel any better about my sincerity, we're getting married," Bella adds, shifting Thomas in her arms nonchalantly. This is _also_ news to me, if anyone is keeping score.

"But what about when your boy gets older?" Cauis asks. Bella gets this really disingenuous look of surprise on her face.

"Oh, I almost forgot to show you!" She gets up and walks over to Marcus, who has been pretending to listen but has actually been thinking about butterflies. "Would you do me a favor, Marcus?" she asks sweetly. He suddenly realizes that she is talking to him and nods.

"Do you mind holding Thomas?" She extends her arms to Marcus slowly and helps him place his arms carefully around the baby. I am kind of freaking out here because, yeah, Marcus is a total fruitcake, but he's also a two thousand year old vampire who _does_ eat people. When he can remember that they exist, I guess.

"Aro, you can read Marcus' mind, right?" Bella asks Aro.

"Yes. Of course." Aro gets a little huffy about this, I guess because he lost a little face not being able to hear Bella.

"Do you mind trying now?" she asks. Aro frowns slightly as he walks over to Marcus, who is starting to do that goofy face thing that adults do with babies. Aro reaches out to touch Marcus, and the same thing that happened with Bella happens with Marcus. But this time Aro gets this amazed look on his face. He glances back at Bella.

"Can you shield people by touch, too?" She shakes her head.

"No, only _he_ can do that. He can also block our empath." Bella brags like the proud mother she is, but instead of talking about her baby saying words or tying his shoe and stuff she's bragging about his ability to block mind-readers and other miscellaneous freaks.

Aro hold his hands out to Marcus. 'Let me hold him." Marcus looks at Aro with irritation.

"I'm holding the baby. Wait your turn." Bella smiles at Marcus indulgently.

Aro huffs at him and sits back down and looks at Bella with a smile. "Isabella, this is fascinating. But surely your fiancé has mentioned to you that we like to invite people with special talents to come join us." I am freaked out by where Aro's mind is going now, and I am really tempted to ask Bella what the hell she was thinking.

Bella nods at him as if he hadn't just told her something relatively ominous. "I know, Aro. But then I realized that the last people you are going to want to force to join you are the people whose minds you can't read, right?"

"She has a good point there," Caius says.

Bella gets back up and takes Thomas from Marcus with a smile. She hands him to Aro, again, carefully showing him how to support his neck. She sits close to Aro, arranging the blankets around Thomas. It looks pretty cozy and domestic and I'm tempted to be all jealous and stuff, but I realize that Bella is just trying to encourage Aro to see Thomas with affection. It looks like it's working because Aro is staring at him with an odd combination of curiosity and amusement.

"So, I propose that Thomas be given the choice, when he comes of age, to become like you," Bella says to Aro. "In exchange for your lenience, we will agree to study Thomas' gift, as well as mine. We'll bring him to see you in Italy, or you may come here."

"It's unheard of, for him to be allowed to know about us and be given a choice," Caius says. Aro is looking at Bella thoughtfully. Then he nods.

"Yes, Caius, and this is a very special situation." He looks back at the baby in his arms. "If he reveals our secret, he'll be changed." Bella nods. "I think it's worth the risk, Caius, for what we can learn."

Bella smiles at Caius. "Would you like to hold him?" I swear, she's a genius, because asking Caius that makes him realize that, if he holds Thomas, his annoying brother can't read his mind. Which is like the ultimate sibling revenge in his head.

"I would love to, Isabella," Caius nods his head to her respectfully and she takes Thomas from a reluctant Aro and hands him to Caius.

"Marcus, is this amenable to you?" Bella asks. I should have warned her that he was totally not paying attention. He jolts himself out of his reverie about the in-flight movie and smiles at her patiently.

"I'm sorry, dear?" he asks, like the senile vampire he is.

Caius snorts and says, "Bella wants to know if you want to be Thomas' godfather." He even says it kind of overly loud, like when you talk to an old person.

"Oh, it would be a pleasure, Isabella," Marcus says, smiling at her.

"That's very apt, Caius," Bella says. "You guys can be godfathers."

The brothers all smile and Thomas' eccentric family tree gets a little bit bigger.

**a/n: The patient and kind Betham betas this and never even yells at me for my gross inconsistencies. **

**"The Red Eye" has been nominated for a Giggle/Snort award! Go check out the nominations! I have been getting tons of new reading material there! http : / bit (dot) ly / isSQnM (Remove my dots and spaces). **

**Also, if you like your vampires a little less insecure, I have a four part story: "Persephone." You know, if you want to read something that doesn't drag on for a bazillion chapters and doesn't have babies in it. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! I was review-reply-fail this time but I thought you guys would rather have an update than a banal message from me. xoxo JuJu**


	30. I Married a Dead Man

**I Married A Dead Man**

"I'm so pleased that we were able to have this talk," Bella says warmly to Thomas' new undead godfathers. "Edward, can you go let Carlisle know? I've got to go put Thomas down for a nap." She takes Thomas from Caius and lets all the vampires say goodbye to him, and then she leaves the room. With me so close behind her she might as well have a tail.

"Bella," I hiss at her, and grab her arm as she walks towards the garage to find Carlisle. "Did you mean what you said in there about getting married? And changing?"

She stops and turns to me. She buries herself and Thomas in my side and looks up at my face. "Edward, I feel bad that you had to find out like that and not in more…romantic circumstances." She takes a deep breath and looks at me cautiously. "Are you upset?"

I stare at her blankly. "Are you kidding me? How can you finesse a room full of scary-ass vampires and then be this clueless about us?" Seriously. I do not get her.

She shrugs her shoulders at me. I wrap my arm around her and kiss the top of her head.

"I'm thrilled that you agreed to marry me." I shrug my shoulders before adding: "And a little weirded out about that whole Kissinger act you just pulled in there with the creepy brothers."

She just laughs. "Yeah, sorry to leave you out of it. I figured it would sound too _planned_ if we were both in on it. Plus, Aro can read your mind and not mine. I think that the element of surprise was important."

"You're actually pretty intimidating like that," I say. "It's kind of hot. In a 'holy shit, don't kill me' way."

"Edward, you think it's hot when I take out the garbage." She smirks at me.

"True," I say. "Why? Are you going to take it out now? 'Cause I want to watch."

She hits my arm as she pulls away. And then she shakes her hand and winces.

"Come on, we have to let your family know that the Christmas card list has gotten bigger." She smiles at me and walks out to the garage, where Rose is revving the engine of her restored Mustang while Demitri and Felix grin and point at stuff under the hood.

Carlisle is making polite small talk with Jane, who is sulking in the corner, her feet hanging off the stool. He looks up when we come in.

"How did it go?" he asks nervously. Bella smiles at me and then turns to Carlisle.

"I think we worked things out. I've got to go put Thomas down, maybe Edward can fill you in?" Carlisle nods and gives Thomas a head kiss. Vampire crack, I swear.

Bella leaves and my family looks at me expectantly. Where to begin? Do I start with the fact that we're going to need some of those nasty pastel almonds because Bella and I are getting married? Or the fact that we're going to be spending a lot more quality time with the Volturi because Marcus thinks Thomas is cute and Aro may have a crush on my girlfriend?

"Uh, we should get back in there before Aro starts rearranging the furniture. He seems kind of controlling like that, don't you think?"

Demitri snorts and mumbles: "You don't know the half of it."

We all walk back into the living room as I fill Carlisle in on the details of our agreement. We get there in time to see Marcus taking an unusual amount of interest in a vase full of flowers that Esme has put on the end table, and Caius and Aro bickering quietly.

"Everything ok here?" Carlisle asks, smiling. Aro brushes imaginary dust off his suit and smiles.

"Of course. My brother and I were just discussing the rest of our itinerary for our time in Washington. I thought it best that we go to the Boeing museum, but Caius thinks that the Experience Music Project would be more entertaining." He says "entertaining" in the way that most people would say "maggot-filled."

"Oh, Music Project, totally," Emmett interjects. "What do you want to go look at a building full of airplanes for, anyway?" Emmett mimes an exaggerated yawn. "Snoozefest!"

"Are you kidding?" This time, Rosalie speaks. "Who needs to see another one of Jimi Hendrix's outfits? The Boeing museum has a great collection of spacecraft. Plus, they have an exhibit on women in aerospace right now." Aro and Caius just look at each other nervously.

'You know, Babe. I'm not sure that uh, Aro is that into women's history, as, uh, fascinating as that sounds." Emmett is trying hard not to offend Rosalie. Good luck, champ.

"Well, Rosalie, that does sound, um, interesting but…" Aro speaks but Rosalie cuts him off. I'm going to say that again. Rosalie cuts off Aro, the big brother of all the spooky vampire brothers.

"Sure, Aro, I guess maybe you'd be more into the "Spruce Goose" or something, what with that Howard Hughes haircut you got going on."

Demitri snorts and then looks horrified with himself. Then Emmett decides to try to save his wife the only way he knows how - by making the situation worse.

"Naw, it's really more Gene Simmons," he says, appraising Aro's hair.

"I think it looks kind of David Carradine in "Kill Bill," Caius interjects. "Only black." He smiles maliciously at his big brother.

"That's an interesting observation, Caius. Especially since I know that the only reason you want to go to the Music Project is because they have a Nirvana exhibit." Aro leans back and crosses his legs. "Did you know that my little brother belongs to a Kurt Cobain fan club? He also is a moderator at their online forum. Talk about being controlling!"

"Discussions in that forum can get extremely contentious," Caius says, sniffing. "I'm just there to make sure everyone remains civil." Aro smirks at him and stands up.

"Well, I'd like to bid farewell to the lovely Isabella and we'll get on our way." Esme volunteers to go get her. Felix then gets Marcus' attention and points to the bag he has sitting next to him.

"Don't you want to give Carlisle his stuff?" Marcus stares at him blankly for a second and then a look of comprehension spreads across his face.

"Ah, yes, thank you, Felix." He picks up the bag and holds it out to Carlisle. "I came across some things that you left in Voltura when you were last there."

Carlisle frowns slightly. "When I was last there in the eighteenth century?" he asks incredulously.

Marcus nods. Carlisle opens up the bag and looks inside. "Great, Marcus," he says. "I will totally use this...ascot. And these shoes." He pulls out a pair of those goofy man-high-heels with the big buckle on them. Emmett snorts.

Carlisle is saved from further embarrassment by Bella's arrival.

"I'm so glad I got to meet you, and I hope we'll see you again soon," she says to Aro, extending her hand to him to kiss. Eeww. Then she says goodbye to Caius and Marcus.

"That's it?" Jane spits in disbelief. "You're really going to let them get away with this?"

"Jane, that's enough," Aro says, still smiling at Bella. But Jane, like most adolescents, cannot simply let it go. I suspect that's why they have such a high homicide rate.

"You're going to let the Cullens have this big coven? I mean, if she's such a big powerful shield, are you sure you want to let them add her to the family?" Jane says, her hands on her hips.

"Jane, I don't want to be rude, but, have you met this family?" Bella gives Jane her teenage attitude right back. "I mean, they're my family and I love them but they are like the least ambitious family in the world."

Bella points to me. "Edward can read minds and you know what he does? He finds lost cats." She points to Alice. "Alice can tell the future. You know how she uses it? Two words: Prom Committee. Seriously? You think they're going to all of a sudden decide that they want your jobs?" Bella shakes her head as my family laughs. Jane scowls and looks at the floor.

"Come along, Jane," Aro gestures to her. "Perhaps we can find someone else for you to persecute on the way home." Jane joins him with a glare over her shoulder, which Alice responds to by sticking her tongue out. Demitri and Felix tip their heads at us and Demitri says, "This was fun. We'll have to do it again."

Everyone lets out a big sigh when we get the Volturi stuffed back into their minivan, still arguing about where to go. Aro and Caius are trying to get Marcus to break the tie, but Marcus keeps voting for things that aren't even in Washington, like Hollywood Boulevard and the Alamo.

As soon as I'm done laughing hysterically in relief that we didn't all get toasted like vampire marshmallows, I run upstairs to my desk and get out the box that I haven't even looked at since the "Oh, you're going into labor?" marriage proposal. Way back when I was much more naive about women. You know, two months ago.

Bella sees what I have when I come downstairs and she groans. "You've got a one-track mind, Cullen."

So I present her with all the reasons why she should marry me.

1) She told the Volturi that she would.

2) Providing her baby with a stable home. (At which Emmett says,"You're going to live in a barn?)

3) We love each other and that's what people who love each other do.

4) Tax deduction (you wouldn't believe the taxes we pay!)

5) So I didn't worry for my non-existent soul if we had sex out of wedlock. (Victorian era, remember?)

6) Because if I never saw the Cubs win the World Series again, it would lessen some of my despair.

She agreed, laughing, and put on my mother's ring. She told Alice that she could plan the wedding but, if she went too far overboard, revenge would be had. Bella squinted her eyes at Alice and said, "And I'm going to be around for a long time, Alice."

I love the sound of that.

It occurs to me that I have definitely neglected my business of late, and, in light of all the romance and joy that had come into my life, I start to question if I really was as committed to those detective stories as I had been for the endless decades of my life. Maybe they were just something to fill the time while I waited for Bella and Thomas.

But when I thought more about it, I realized that just because this part of my story had a happy ending didn't mean that the stories didn't still resonate for me. The characters in the stories I loved had flaws and dark pasts, they tortured themselves over who they were. They tried to help the innocent and they sought redemption while being forced to hover on the outskirts of society.

Well, hadn't Bella and I done just that? She and I weren't perfect, we had made mistakes, we had our _quirks_, if you will, like blood-drinking. But we managed to find each other, and to try to create a safe place for our family, even if that meant that we would never have a "normal" life. We had our families and each other and our boy.

And _that's_ justice, right?

**a/n: The lovely and talented Betham betas this, poor thing. This is the last regular chapter; there is a two-part epilogue: "The Charmed Life of Thomas Swan-Cullen" that will post on the regular schedule. Thanks for reading and reviewing and not flogging me for not replying. xoxo JuJu******


	31. The Charmed Life of Thomas CullenSwan 1

**The Charmed Life of Thomas Cullen-Swan pt. 1**

When Thomas Swan was a mere six months old, he had already been to three, very different, sets of nuptials.

The first was the enormous, expensive wedding of Jessica Stanley and Michael Newton, two students whom his mother had gone to school with. His mother hadn't wanted to go.

"You told her what?" his mother asked her fiancé.

"I told Jessica that we would be at their wedding," he said, looking a little chagrined.

"But you hate Mike Newton," his mom responded.

"Well, I hated Mike Newton when you went to prom with him, but he's grown on me since then," he responded, picking at an imaginary thread on the upholstery of his Volvo.

"How so?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Since he interrupted Jessica in the act of trying to pin me against the frozen poultry in the grocery store. She _said_she was trying to get a good look at Thomas, but…" he tapped his forehead. "So, when he brought it up, I thought it was a good idea to mention that my FIANCEE and I would be there."

Bella nodded, scowling. "Ok, but you are getting the gift, and don't even think about catching the garter." He shuddered and nodded quickly.

So Thomas, his mom and her fiancé, Edward, went to the 200-person event in Port Angeles, replete with four bridesmaids and a chocolate fountain. His mother tried the fountain. Her fiancé did not.

The second wedding that Thomas attended in the first six months of his extraordinary life was that of his mother's friends, Sam and Emily. It was held on the local reservation and, although his whole family was invited to attend, they were ill at ease the whole time: from when the residents of La Push met them at their cars, to when they congratulated the bride and groom, to when they were escorted back to their cars. Not that Thomas noticed the tension. He was similarly unaware that the smell of burning sage did little to prevent most of the wedding guests from looking as though they smelled something bad.

The third, and perhaps most important, wedding that young Thomas attended was that of his mother and his step-dad. The ceremony lacked the formality of the Newton-Stanley nuptials and it was even smaller than the informal affair at the reservation, but it was a happy occasion. His mother wore a dress that his Aunt Alice had found in an antique store in Paris, his step-dad wore an Italian suit that had cost more than he was willing to tell his new wife. His Grandma Esme held him during the short ceremony that took place in a small Episcopalian church in Forks, but his new stepfather swooped in and picked him up immediately after kissing his bride, and the three of them walked back down the aisle together.

They honeymooned in Niagara, something that appealed to his stepfather's Victorian era tastes. Thomas accompanied them, since he was still nursing, and, as awkward as it was to have an infant on a honeymoon, his stepfather still came back from New York state with the expression of one who has seen the light. He also came back several thousand dollars poorer due to expenses to the hotel for broken furniture. And a curiously shaped dent on the outside of their rental car. Also, a new door for their hotel room and several items of his wife's clothing that had gotten destroyed.

When Thomas Swan-Cullen was two years old, his mother insisted on putting him in daycare for part of the day, three days a week, while she took classes in Port Angeles. When his step-dad protested that they had no need to do so as they had plenty of baby-sitters at home, his mother explained that she wanted Thomas to be as normal as possible - and that included being around other children.

His mother worried that he would be unable to cope with not being the center of attention since he had been raised by a house full of doting, tireless adults. His mom said that he needed to know that he wasn't the center of the universe. His stepfather disagreed. He knew that his wife and son were, in fact, the center of the universe, but he saw that her plan had some merit and stopped arguing. The upside that he saw was that it bought his new wife and him more time alone together and he did his best to capitalize on that.

When Thomas turned three, he received a present from his godfathers in Italy, an exquisitely-made model of an ancient castle with furniture and little figures to play with. The figures that came with the castle were small, fancily-dressed, pale figures that all seemed to have been given tiny, oddly-colored eyes. His mother laughed and insisted that his step-dad put it up on a shelf where Thomas could look at it but couldn't choke on the tiny pieces.

"Don't those freaks know that thing is a huge choking hazard?" his Aunt Rosalie hissed when she saw it, picking up the phone to give the Volturi a piece of her mind.

"Yeah, Rose, they just don't have as much experience as you do with babies," his mother said, which placated his Aunt and helped the whole family to breathe a sigh of relief.

Thomas was disappointed that he couldn't play with the castle yet, but he could stare at it and imagine all the things he could do with it once he was big enough.

When Thomas was five he began to attend the local elementary school. He was a quiet but happy boy with dark brown hair and brown eyes who tended to get lost in the crowd of more rambunctious students. Several times his teacher realized that she had no idea where Thomas was, but when she called his name he was right where he was supposed to be. He drew a picture of his mom and dad on his third day there. Ms. Hazelwood, his teacher, laughed when she saw that he had drawn his dad with the silver crayon, making him appear to glow. She thought Mr. Cullen was so handsome that, if people could glow, he would. Then she was embarrassed by the thought. He was a married man, and a happily married one if the rumors about Thomas' parents making out in the parking lot of the Thriftway were true.

Four months after he entered kindergarten, his mom went away on a trip, communicating with Thomas through Skype and phone calls. His father stayed with him, but even a five year-old could see that he was miserable without his wife. His Aunt Alice had suggested that his mom send him items of clothing to sleep with, and when a green cotton sweater arrived his father gave off a choking laugh and then convinced Thomas to share the sweater with him.

His mother was gone for three months and, when she returned to an enormous party with cake that only Thomas would eat, his entire family hovered between the two of them carefully.

His mother glared at them angrily and then embraced Thomas carefully, her body shaking with unreleased sobs even as her face lit up with an incandescent smile.

If Thomas noted any changes in his mother, it was only that she seemed more like the rest of his family - paler, faster, better-smelling - and he assumed that this was a change that adults experienced.

Then he examined his other grandfather and his teacher carefully. He decided that it was something that only _some_adults experienced.

The summer after kindergarten, Thomas accompanied his parents to Italy to see his godfathers; Aro, Marcus and Caius.

The three of them were like no adults he had ever seen. It was like being in a play, with their dramatic movements and funny clothes. The people who lived in the castle that Thomas had been playing with for several years now moved around each other carefully and never seemed to smile. But Thomas quickly found he could make them smile by telling them the adventures that he had sent their dolls on, especially when they had beaten up another doll. They also really liked to pick him up, always making sure to ask his parents first.

Felix was his favorite, because the enormous man would let him ride on his shoulders as he ran through the castle; but he also liked Demitri, who played the best games of hide and seek with him and helped him sneak up on Jane, who had the funniest scream when they surprised her.

"Great," his mother said on the flight back to Washington. "Another group of adults to fawn all over him. He's going to be a little monster." His father laughed and poked himself in the chest.

"He gets his charm from me," he said, grinning at her. "They can't help themselves."

His mom laughed and redoubled her efforts to get Thomas to spend time around "normal" people.

When Thomas was eight, going on nine, he asked his mom if his friend Ethan could spend the night for his birthday. His mom was reluctant, trying to convince Thomas that a big party with his friends at the zoo or a pizza place would be more fun. His dad stepped in and tried some more intense bribery, mentioning the words "Disneyland" and "more allowance", but Thomas had gotten it stuck in his head that he wanted Ethan over.

"Honey, it's just not a good idea. What if I call his parents and see if you can go over there?" His mom wrung her hands and her pale, beautiful face took on a rare sad expression. His dad put his hands on her shoulders and seemed irritated at Thomas for upsetting her.

"But my toys are here and Uncle Emmett is here and I thought Uncle Jake could come over, too." Thomas knew he was whining, but what good was it having the funnest, most awesome family in the world if he couldn't share it with his best friend? His mother looked at his father, biting her lip, and turned back to him with a look that Thomas knew meant "no." It was the same look she gave Uncle Emmett when he proposed taking Thomas up to the nostril of Teddy Roosevelt so Thomas could pretend to pick the president's nose when they had visited Mt. Rushmore.

"It's not like he's going to be able to tell you guys are vampires!" Thomas yelled at his parents, a last ditch effort. His mom's eyes went wide and his dad looked like he was choking on his gum. But he didn't chew gum.

"What are you talking about?" His mom looked at him in shock. Thomas shook his head with all the disdain that an eight-year old could summon.

"Felix told me last summer," Thomas said. The big vampire had also told him not to tell his parents or anyone else but _this_was an emergency. His birthday party was at stake.

"I will kill that…" his mother mumbled. "Thomas, you haven't told anyone about this, have you?" his father asked nervously.

"Of course I haven't. Felix told me I couldn't tell anyone or Uncle Aro would hurt them."

Thomas was able to have his friend over for his birthday that year, but he had to have a long, boring talk with his parents about secrecy and vampires and sparkling and how to answer certain questions. It was all worth it to see Ethan's face when he saw Uncle Emmett's game systems.

When Thomas was thirteen, his Aunt Alice announced that they had stayed in Forks for as long as was possible and that it was time for them to move. After his obligatory visit to see his godfathers in Italy, Thomas entered high school as a freshman at George Washington High School in Farmington, Maine. He quickly decided that he was actually the unluckiest freshman in the history of freshmen, having the singular displeasure of having his parents attending high school with him.

It wasn't bad enough that he had to listen to the other students talk about how hot his "sister" Isabella was. It wasn't enough that the junior and senior girls flirted with him in an attempt to get invited to his house to try to get closer to his dad and his uncles.

The worst part was that his father had the most frightening glare in the world when he thought someone was messing with him, and his uncle Jasper had to pay visits to more than a few students and one teacher after they upset him.

His mother actually had to explain to his father, in a way that he would appreciate, with a list, that a) he was attracting attention to them and b) she wanted Thomas to have as "normal" an upbringing as possible, which meant being a lowly freshman and being scared of his teachers. He saw her point (he usually did) and tried to relax when Thomas was faced with the normal ups and downs of being a teenager. Not that his mother didn't feel equally protective.

When Thomas was fifteen he was asked to go to Homecoming by Melinda Parsons, a popular junior. His mother insisted he refuse, convinced that the girl was just trying to use the least intimidating of the Cullen family to get close to one of them, probably her husband, who looked pretty good for an old guy.

"Why? Because it's not possible for a girl to like me for who I am?" Thomas yelled at his mom.

"Sweetie, I just don't want you to get hurt," his mom responded. At that point his father interjected.

"Honey, we've got a bunch of bubble wrap from Emmett's new stereo. We can wrap Thomas in that and then we can have a therapist follow him around to help him to emotionally process when the cafeteria is out of meatloaf."

Thomas and his mother stared at his father for a moment and then they both burst out laughing.

"You're right," his mother said apologetically to Thomas. "I'm sure she really likes you, Thomas. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

The thing was, Melinda really _did_like Thomas. Aside from his awkward combination freshman/new student year, he made friends easily, much more easily than his pale, frighteningly perfect family. After Melinda came Leslie and then Rachael and then Amy and so on. It wasn't that Thomas was promiscuous. He was incredibly respectful of the girls he dated. It's just that he was looking for something. Thomas wanted what his parents had, even if his dad warned him that it had taken him a century to find his mom.

The summer Thomas was eighteen he flew to Europe, on his own this time. His parents were anxious, but they had gotten better at trusting him (and his Aunt Alice's visions). He had the most amazing time backpacking through the European countryside, never suspecting that his godfathers had members of the guard following him at a distance. He never knew about the man in Paris who stole his wallet; when he was reunited with it at "Lost and Found" at the Louvre he was surprised, but not unduly so. He would never know about the woman in Bucharest who was planning on luring him back to her place and letting her jealous boyfriend beat and rob him. It was an excellent trip. As usual, he made friends everywhere he went.

When Thomas got back to the U.S. he enrolled in college, independent of his family. Thomas was lucky he was a bright student since, for the first year, he majored in parties and college girls. Once his mother insisted that he settle down and concentrate on his studies he decided to study history, since he figured he could always get help from his family if he got stuck.

"I don't think he's lazy," his father said to his mother. "I think he's really interested in history from all the stories we've told him."

His mother smiled indulgently. "Thomas has never had to work for anything. I feel bad that we've made thing so easy for him."

"Well, it's a good thing that we'll always be around to enable his laziness, then, huh?" His father gave his mother a crooked smile and she forgot her concerns about her easy-going son for the next few hours.

When Thomas was twenty-three he graduated with a degree in History, took a few journalism courses and managed to parlay all of that into a dream job: writing articles for a travel magazine about visiting historical sites.

Thomas Swan was a charming, relaxed, happy young man who only took one thing seriously: his family. He wasn't given to bouts of self-doubt or brooding despite his close relationship with the seventeen/one hundred and thirty-something year-old vampire he considered to be his father, a creature with a virtual monopoly on self-doubt and brooding.

So it was surprising when, at the age of twenty-five, he decided to do an unusually long (for him) bout of soul-searching and decided that he didn't want the life his mother and father offered. When he told his parents, he could see that they were saddened by the thought of watching him age and die, but his mother quickly reminded him that no matter what he chose they would always love him and would always find a way to be part of his life.

Thomas watched his mom comfort his dad and he knew, without a doubt, the reason his mother had chosen to be changed. His father had been changed young and had been alone for many years. It had made him insecure. Whenever his mom had gone away for more than a day his father had been miserably sad and would think of any reason he could to contact her. Thomas knew that his father wasn't as strong, as confident, as himself in some ways.

Becoming a vampire was the only way his mother could assure that she would never abandon either of them. He could live a long and happy life and, when he passed, away his mother would be devastated; but if something were to happen to his mom, his father wouldn't want to live.

Thomas knew that his family understood the reasons for his decision and they hoped that he would marry and have a family, that he would do all the things that they hadn't had a chance to do.

But then, when Thomas Swan-Cullen was twenty-seven years old, he - like his mother before him - fell in love with a vampire.

**a/n: Betham is my lovely and talented beta and she informs me that Merriam-Webster says that epilogues are supposed to be one part. So that's it. **

**Just kidding. Part 2 will be out next Wednesday. Thanks for reading and reviewing! xoxo JuJu**


	32. The Charmed Life of Thomas CullenSwan 2

**The Charmed Life of Thomas Swan-Cullen pt. 2**

I'm watching my adult son eat breakfast, occasionally shooting a grin at his mother and I in-between bites of Bella's blueberry waffles, and for the bazillionth time in my life I wish I could read his mind.

It's funny that I want so badly to be able to get in there; it's not like he ever got away with anything growing up. Even if I couldn't tell what was going on in that hormone-crazed adolescent head of his, there was always the fact that we don't sleep. Then there was our heightened senses, ensuring that he could never sneak out at night, lie about brushing his teeth or get drunk at a high school party without our knowing. And then there's his Aunt Alice who saw anything we might happen to miss. Poor kid.

But Alice and Jasper are vacationing in Tokyo, and all we know is that Thomas showed up last night at our place in Montana with a kiss for his mom, a book that Carlisle had asked him to pick up in London, a gleeful look on his face and a body exploding with nervous tension. I've never seen him quite like this.

Thomas has always been what Laurent, that born-again vampire hippie, describes as a "mellow" child. With the exception of a few tantrums when he was a child and the occasional bit of adolescent moodiness, he is extremely easy-going. He totally gets it from his mom. The only thing he probably got from me is his perverse sense of humor and his fanatical love of baseball. Which is, by the way, a terrible sport for a vampire to be into because the season happens entirely during the spring and summer. Thank God for television.

So I'm in a position that I tend to be in often with both my son and my wife; that of knowing something is up and having no way to figure it out. Yeah, I like mysteries. (That was sarcasm, by the way)

Thomas finishes his waffles and gets up to put his plate in the dishwasher, but he's intercepted by his mom.

"Sit down and spill, kiddo," Bella tells him, taking the plate from his hands and pushing him gently back into his seat.

"I'm in love," he says, grinning at us. His mom turns around and raises an eyebrow.

"Again?" she says. I snicker. Instead of laughing with us he gets this blissful look on his face and says: "No, really. I'm in love. She's the one."

Bella puts the dishes down and comes back over to the table.

"You're serious," she says, her face suddenly attentive.

"She'll be here this morning. I want you to meet her," Thomas says giddily. "Where's everyone else? I know Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper are in Tokyo."

"Emmett and Rose are out hunting, and Carlisle and Esme are at a conference in Boston." I answer. "I'm sure they'll be happy to come back to meet your girlfriend, though."

"Yeah, uh, the fewer of you guys that are here at first would probably be better." Thomas' eyes slip away from mine. He's clearly up to something. I haven't seen him do that since the time he borrowed my Vanquish and got it towed. A night that has been referred to since then as "The Night Edward Got Us Kicked Out Of The Impound Lot." All I can say is I swear that car was never the same after that.

"Are you concerned about her being intimidated?" Bella asked gently. Thomas looked at his mom with a smile.

"Yeah, Mom. She's a little shy." Bella pats his hand and grins at him.

"We'll do our best to make her feel comfortable." She looks at me, expecting me to second her reassurances. I'm still looking at my boy with suspicion because I know something is up that he's not telling us. I've got a defiled Vanquish in the garage that says he's up to something.

I narrow my eyes at Thomas. "Of course," I say. He knows I'm on to him but that I'd rather live on goldfish blood than piss his mom off. I give him the universal gesture for "I'm watching you"; pointing to my eyes and then at him while squinting at him ominously. He shrugs and turns his attention back to his mom.

"Well, we should get the guest room cleaned up for her and probably get some food." Bella gets up and starts rummaging around in the pantry.

"Yeah, don't spend too much time on that," Thomas mumbles.

"Why's that?" Bella asks him, since he's apparently forgotten that we can hear him even when he mumbles.

He smiles at her brilliantly again. "Just don't make a big fuss, Mom. She'll feel self-conscious." His mom nods and looks at me. "Don't just stand there, Edward. Go vacuum the living room or something."

An hour later Emmett and I are moving the couch in the living room _again_, since Emmett has been studying feng shui and apparently couch placement is important for romance. Emmett also made me dismantle and remove the ceiling fan, since apparently it "blows all the love out of the room." I was about to tell Emmett what else blows when he looked out the front window and asked me how Thomas' girl was getting here.

"I don't know. He's been kind of shady about the whole thing," I said, finishing up with repainting where I'd had to patch the hole in the ceiling.

"Well, is there any chance that he asked, uh, Demitri and Felix to bring her?"

"What the hell?" I looked out the window to see exactly what Emmett described: two members of the Volturi guard escorting a blond vampire I've never seen before to the doorway. And she's not exactly looking like she's excited about seeing her human boyfriend. Actually, I can hear from her thoughts that she's terrified.

"Thomas!" I call, my eyes not straying from the scene in the front yard.

"Is she here?" My wife comes into the room, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. She's been making lunch for Thomas' surprise girlfriend. Who apparently would prefer a nice bloody human, from the look of her eyes.

"I want to see her," Rosalie says, coming in behind Bella and freezing when she sees the woman being escorted up the porch steps.

There's a knock at the door and Emmett walks over and swings it open with a big smile. "Demitri, Felix! What's up?" The two members of the guard smile at Emmett and he steps away from the door to let them in. We've developed a pretty close relationship with these guys over the years, mostly based on our mutual love of Thomas and making fun of the three brothers who lead the Volturi. And torturing Jane, because she's pretty fun to torment. All you have to do is provoke her until she tries to brain-blast you and then you grab onto Thomas. His shield frustrates the shit out of her.

They come in, with the woman between the two of them. Her eyes widen when she sees us and I can see in her thoughts that she thinks that her number is up.

Getting a closer look at her I can see that she was probably changed in her early twenties. She's taller than Bella and has wavy blond hair that falls to just below her shoulders. She's pretty in that pale, surreal way that our kind are.

I give her what I hope is a kind smile and gesture to one of the newly moved couches.

"Would you like to take a seat?" I ask. She just stares at me, trying to figure out why she's gone from being frog-marched by the Volturi guard to apparently having tea with the most domestic vampires she's ever seen. Felix nudges her forward.

"Take a seat," he says, and she obediently sits down. I look at the guard members expectantly. Demitri just looks at me and shrugs.

"Aro just told us to bring her here. He didn't say what to do after that." I frowned and looked at the girl.

"Edward, let me," my wife says from behind me. She sits down next to the girl and smiles. "What's your name?" Bella asks.

"Sophie," the girl says, hesitantly.

I realize that my son has still not made an appearance and I call him again.

Thomas stumbles into the living room a minute later, running his hands through wet hair. He's also changed his shirt. Into one of my favorite shirts.

"You!" the terrified girl on the couch says, standing up. Except for now she's not so terrified. I would describe her mood as "pissed-off" with a touch of "exasperated" now. I look at Thomas. He smiles broadly at her.

"Thomas, how did you and Sophie meet?" my wife asks, eyeing her son warily.

"You told me your name was Karen," Thomas says to Sophie, still grinning flirtatiously. The girl snorts.

"That's because I was going to kill you," she says, flopping back down on the couch.

"Thomas, I think that now would be a good time for you to explain what's going on," Bella says. She turns to Demitri and Felix. "Guys, thanks for helping him out with this. I think we have it from here."

"No, that's cool, Bella," Demitri says. "I wouldn't miss this for the world." He turns to Felix. "You in a hurry to get back?"

Felix shakes his head. "No, I'm good. I really think we should stick around and make sure everything works out ok here." He smiles at my wife.

Bella sighs. "Well, I think we need to have a little talk with our son about what constitutes a good surprise. Do you all mind excusing us for a minute?"

"Your son?" Sophie asks. Bella pats her on the arm again.

"Sure thing," Demitri says as he and Felix get up. He turns back to us and asks: "I don't suppose we could grab a bite?"

"If it walks on four legs," Bella says, smiling at him. He shrugs.

"It was worth a try." He gestures to the girl who is still glaring at a love-struck Thomas. "Let's go, Blondie. We'll go check out the garage?" He looks hopefully at Rosalie who sighs and gets up.

"Sure, I'll show you what I've got going." She turns and points to Thomas.

"You better clear this up, young man." She shakes a finger at him and he just gives her that smile that I know she can't resist.

"Sure thing, Aunt Rose," Thomas says.

We wait for them to clear out and then I turn to Thomas.

"What in the world is going on?" I ask. He sighs and leans back in his armchair.

'"Isn't she great?" he asks, looking dreamily at the door the homicidal vampire just walked out of.

"Yeah, she's a charmer. What's going on?" I ask again.

"Karen - I mean, Sophie - approached me in a bar in New York. It was love at first sight, Dad. I mean it. I knew she was the one."

"And then she tried to kill you," his mom adds. He looks at her and nods.

'Yeah, I figured that she would. I warned her that Aro would be upset, and that scared her off before I could talk to her anymore. I called Aro up and he told the guys to bring her here. I couldn't really think of another way to let her get to know me."

"You thought that having her brought here by the guard would make her feel comfortable enough to want to go out for dinner and a movie with you? Optimally, without _you_ as the dinner?" I can't believe this kid sometimes.

Emmett starts to laugh. 'That's my nephew. You've never been turned down before, have you?" Thomas shakes his head.

"No. I figure she'll like me once she gets to know me." I have to give him that one.

"What about that woman in Toronto?" Bella asks. Thomas shrugs his shoulders.

"She was a lesbian, Mom. And before you say anything," he points to me. "That one in Dublin was a nun. Things got really confusing when they stopped wearing those things all the time." He gestures to his head.

I have to give him that; Thomas has always been really successful with women. He's the quiet guy you don't notice at a party until he takes off with the prettiest girl. Another thing he totally _doesn't_ get from me. Emmett thinks that it's _his_ influence, but I think that Thomas' happiness and the fact that he always treats women well –for fear of what his mom and Aunt Rose will do to him – makes him irresistible. He really is not used to having women say no to him.

"Thomas, I just don't think that a potential homicide and then abduction is a good way to romance a woman," I tell him.

"Dude, _you're_ going to give _him_ romantic advice?" Emmett interjects. "You tried to kill Bella." Shut up, Emmett.

"You tried to kill Mom?" Thomas says, turning to me with shock. Yeah, this is why Bella and I have kind of glossed over the details of our courtship with him. That and the fact that it's embarrassing.

"Just the once, Honey," his mom says, patting his knee.

"Then he watched her sleep and stalked her a bunch," Emmett says, like the dead asshole he is.

"Gee, Dad, I can see why you say my methods are so inappropriate," Thomas says to me. "Seriously, she's the one. It was love at first sight!"

"Yeah, for you," Bella said. 'What about her? She's not really acting like she's into you."

"She was hungry. Didn't you guys know you were meant for each other when you met?" Bella looks away and I pretend to cough.

"No, we, uh…" Bella looks at me for help.

"I knew way before your mom," I admitted. "She was a little distracted by having you, and…"

"Your dad creeped her out. Big time," Emmett said. Shut _up_, Emmett.

"I didn't think that someone as handsome and perfect as him could love me," my Bella said, smiling at me. I lean over and give her a kiss.

"Are you saying that she might not think I'm good enough?" Thomas seems genuinely perplexed by this. Bella shakes her head.

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that your methods might have been a little…unsubtle."

"So what do I do now?" Thomas looks to us for support. I reflect on my decades of knowledge as well as my years of experience as a parent and come up with the best advice I can.

"Let's call Alice."

Thomas gets his Aunt Alice on the phone. Not surprisingly, they were already on their way to the airport. He talks with her for a minute and then gets off the phone.

"She says we should get Demitri and Felix out of here," Thomas says, handing the phone back to me.

"I'll handle that," Bella says. Which is good because she's always handled the Volturi better than anyone else.

"Alice said there's good news and bad news," Thomas says to me.

"And?" I ask. I swear he and his mom thrive on keeping stuff from me. Like the time they signed me up for the drama club in high school. Those two got to paint scenery and I had to wear a frickin' toga. And don't get me started on the low thread count of those sheets. It's enough to make me shudder today.

"Well, the good news is that she thinks I've got a good chance with Sophie." Thomas smiles as if to say: "I told you so."

"What's the bad news? We have to change you?" This is kind of a trick question. I'm hoping we have to change him. As shitty as being a vampire can be and as much as I didn't chose this life: Bella and I have been bereft at the thought of losing Thomas. Especially when scary shit like this almost happens to him.

"Yeah, well that's a given," Thomas says. "Don't even pretend to be upset about that, Dad. No, but one thing is, we're going to have to talk Sophie into changing her diet and then…" Thomas' voice trails off and he blushes. It's a response I seldom see on my son's face and it reminds me of falling in love with his mom.

"What?" I ask. How bad could it be?

"We have to talk about…you and mom," Thomas mumbles that last part.

"Like...how we met and stuff?" I ask. God, how embarrassing.

"Yeah, I hope that's it. It's gross enough. If we have to talk about your sex life _I'll_ kill myself," my son says.

"Don't worry," I say, slapping him on the back. "I'll be right there with you with a Presto Log and a Zippo."

We hear a phone ring outside and look up to see Demitri answering his cell phone.

"Yes, sir," he says. He's received a call from Aro; clearly, Bella has been on the phone to Italy. Demitri listens for a minute and then says: "Yes, we got her here…" he pulls the phone away from his ear, looks at it and shakes his head. The phone rings again.

"Yeah…No, you hung up on me…yeah, you pushed the little button with the phone…yeah, AGAIN…So, you want us to…" He pulls the phone away from his ear again, shaking his head. When it rings again he answers it.

"Yeah…no, you did it again…you are pushing the button with your cheek or something…yeah, just like when your pocket called me…yeah, it's a tricky piece of technology. So, what do you want us to do…" He pulls the phone away from his ear and swears. He looks up to see us laughing and flips us off.

"Hey, when you're done there can you ask Bella to call Aro and tell him we're on our way back? I can't talk on the phone to that man again." Demitri shakes his head and goes back to the garage to get Felix.

They bring my son's kidnapped ersatz-girlfriend back in and, since my son has already botched this a little bit, I ask her to take a seat.

"Listen, Sophie, I understand that this has all come as kind of a surprise to you and I appreciate your patience." She nods at me and then shoots a glance at Felix and Demitri.

"Are they going to…kill me?" she asks. "Because I know that's what the guard do and when they picked me up I figured they were mad because I messed with…your…son." She's having a hard time saying it because she doesn't believe us.

"How about I ask them to leave and you agree to stay and listen to what we have to say? If you still want to leave then you can; we won't stop you." I shoot a glare at Thomas to make sure he won't object, but my confident son is just smiling at her.

"Sure," she says warily. She turns to Thomas. "But you have to know, you don't love me. It's the vampire thing. You can't help it."

Thomas grins at her and shakes his head. "No, darling, you don't understand. I grew up around vampires. I'm immune to your supernatural pheromones. It's you."

Sophie presses her lips together and shakes her head. I can tell she likes him, though. She's just completely freaked out by this stupid stunt he pulled.

"Well, I guess we'll hit the road then," Demitri says. "Superbowl?" he asks Emmett.

"Superbowl," Emmett answers, and they bump fists. "It was nice seeing you." Felix waves and they take off, arguing over who gets to drive the rental car.

"Sophie, we're hoping that, once we tell you about ourselves and Thomas, you will be willing to stay with us for a few days so my idiotic son can convince you to spend eternity with him." Bella smiles at Sophie warmly.

"I…I would love to hear your story, Bella. How did you come to have a human son?"

So we launch into our story, explaining how we don't eat people but that I thought about eating Bella. We tell her about embarrassing stuff that Thomas didn't even know about, like me attacking Bella's prom date and proposing while she was in labor with Thomas. It reminds me again of how much I love her and Thomas, being able to talk about how we fell in love and how we raised Thomas together. Emmett and Thomas interject whenever I "forget" to mention something particularly embarrassing. I return the favor, telling Sophie about the time that Thomas was planning on getting drunk for the first time at his friend's house but Alice saw it ahead of time so we switched out all their alcohol with Kool-Aid and Thomas and his friend pretended to be drunk, because that's what teenagers do.

Sophie tells us how she was changed by a nomadic vampire ten years before and had had to abandon her family and her entire life. I could see from her thoughts that she was envious of the stability of our lives and the fact that we were a family, something she had never been able to find among the vampires she had encountered. And, over the next day, hearing our stories, I could see her falling in love with my charming, sweet son.

Which was gratifying on a number of levels. First, it meant that our son would be willing to be changed and we wouldn't have to part with him. Second, it proves that he was right about her; she was the one. And finally, by falling in love with him she fell in love with all those parts of him that he had gotten from each of us.

I'll grant Emmett the "skill with the ladies" but, really, I felt that Thomas had inherited Emmett's lightness of spirit, his ability to have fun. He got his sensitivity to the feelings of others from Jasper, along with his love of history. He had Esme's generosity and instinct to nurture those he loved. He had Carlisle's compassion and curiosity, and Alice's love of art and beautiful things that led him around the world writing about the things he saw. Rosalie taught him to be self-sufficient and to respect women, the only thing that saved him from being a terrible womanizer.

As I mentioned, Thomas got his quiet strength, as well as his general attractiveness from his mom.

And from me? I think he got his belief in the way that love could change your life, even if you had to wait for it for a century. I would also have to say that Thomas got his completely irrational approach to wooing the girl of his dreams from me.

But watching the two of them from the kitchen a few nights later - when we were finally convinced that she liked him too much to kill him and we left them alone – I could see that Thomas' approach, albeit unconventional, had worked.

While his mom and I watched, Thomas murmured to Sophie that it was perfectly safe for her to kiss him, that his parents were proof of that, and that she would make him the happiest man on earth if she would.

Again, no one ever said no to Thomas. And he has always been vampire crack.

But it was arrogant of me to spend time thinking of what _I_ had given to Thomas. The reality is, what he and his mom had given to me was so much more.

**Epic a/n: That's kind of it. There **_**are**_** a couple of outtakes coming, starting with "Kiss of Death" which was part of the Fandom Fights Tsunami compilation. I also wrote the **_**cough, cough**_** honeymoon scene. I wasn't going to do it because I couldn't think of a way to make it funny (and that's the only thing that counts). But then I got inspired when I wrote the epilogue so, that will show up at some point. There's a couple of others, including a little Thomas-take, but none of the outtakes will alter any events. They're just missing moments that I think you might enjoy.**

**I have said before this in reviews but I want to reiterate how thrilled (and shocked) I've been at the reception this has received. When I started writing this I was convinced that I would be the only one to read it, that no one else would think that this stuff was funny, that I was bizarre beyond all belief. I have been blown away by the number of you that have enjoyed it. That also means that you are all as bizarre as me, or at least guilty of enabling my crazy.**

**I have a million people to thank. First and foremost, WriteOnTime, without whose aggressive pimpage I would sink to the bottom and stay there. Then Grrlinterupted, Haletheroses and Bettigefecht for the gorgeous banners. Twi-Carol made me an awesome and hilarious blinkie and then promoted the bejesus out of the story, Thanks to Deedreamer16, JB30, Kassiah, Ltlerthqak and MeraNaamJoker (who put aside her wolf-girl leanings) who all wrote amazing recs for this in various and sundry places. Then the dozens of amazing women who tweeted and retweeted updates and recs, read and reviewed. I can't even begin to start. I have met the coolest people.**

**Finally, thank yous to EverlastingMuse who betaed this for the first half and then Betham, who took on this crazy story in the middle and never once backed away slowly from my crazy or my apostrophe abuse. **

**Thank you so much for reading! xoxo JuJu**


	33. Outtake 1 Kiss of Death

"**Kiss of Death"**

**Originally Written for Fandom for Tsunami Compilation, 2011  
**

_**A Red Eye Outtake: Chapter 17: **__ In which Bella gets a hint and Edward gets a date._

_**By badjujube**_

_**Extraordinary banner (on my profile) by bettigefecht**_

_**Beta'ed by betham**_**  
**

The "cousins" are here.

Which is great, because what I really needed after giving birth is to be surrounded by three _more_ gorgeous people. I literally look like a wet, misshaped sack of dirt next to them. I would hate them, but they are also ultra-sweet and just love Thomas to pieces. Bitches. Being all goddess-like _and_nice. It's enough to give a homely, bitter chick a complex.

Edward's been making himself scarce lately; I'm guessing he decided that he didn't need to toss me any more pity-proposals. His absence is kind of a mixed blessing.

On one hand, I can't just sit around holding his hand and pretending he's interested in me for my own entertainment.

On the other hand, he's not sitting around holding my hand, sending my little human hormones into overdrive so maybe I can get in touch with the real world where I may have to date people who are not so hot that I want to lick their throat. Which is pretty much what I want to do to Edward, like, _all the time_. Except for the times I want to lick his knuckles or face or something else.

I'm ashamed to say that there's this dark, evil part of me that really wanted to accept his proposal. But then I remember the fact that I have _some_pride left, and that being the sad end of a pity-marriage would be pretty pathetic. Not to mention the fact that I would want to have sex with him, like, a lot, and I'm not sure that I would have been able to talk him into that. Not when he could have someone like the Denali sisters to snuggle up to. Maybe if I put a bag over my head.

I get to wondering why he doesn't have a mate or whatever. I mean, I just assumed that it was because there aren't a lot of other vampires who don't eat people, but then the cousins show up and there's a 300% increase in the vegetarian vampire dating pool and he's still lying low.

So the sick, masochistic part of me decides to ask him about it. I find him in the living room, reading, and I curl up on the couch next to him. What? A girl can try, right?

So I'm doing my best to be cute and cuddly because sexy has gone right out the window once Thomas spit milk on me. I ask him to read to me, which I am totally _not_paying attention to because I'm thinking about how to broach the subject of his single status.

"Edward? Irina and Tanya and Kate? They're not really your cousins, right?" I finally get up the courage to ask.

He shakes his head at me. "No. They're not sisters, either. It's just that we prefer to think of ourselves as a family rather than a 'coven.' That's what groups of vampires usually call themselves, but they tend to be wilder, more aggressive. I think it has to do with us not preying on humans. It makes us more peaceful, able to have caring relationships." He frowns slightly. Now I want to lick his eyebrows. There's something wrong with me.

So I ask him why he's not in a relationship with one of them. And he tells me that vampires don't get to choose their mates. It just happens.

I ponder the mechanics of this. If we _did_ get married and then his mate shows up, what then? That would be even _worse_than being married to someone because they pity you. Being married to someone who felt sorry for you and then having them dump you because their mate came along. World class suckage. I'm really glad in that moment that I said no, because that particular scenario makes me sad just thinking about it. Although it also makes me really sad for him because, clearly, whoever decides these things has kept poor Edward waiting for a heck of a long time.

I don't know if it's post-partum depression or my actual real-life depression about being a single mom, but I'm too sad to deal with this shit in front of King-Fuckhot - and even less willing to deal with it when Tanya comes into the living room to join us. I make the excuse that Thomas and I are going to go take a nap; and by "nap", I really mean "I'm going to go cry in my big empty bed."

I seriously think that I am the biggest jerk in the world for feeling so sorry for myself. I mean, I have this awesome family –yeah, they're vampires but I'm not complaining – taking care of Thomas and me. What new mom has that? They never sleep and they love taking care of him. I mean, I actually have to talk them into letting him sleep in his crib sometimes, just so he'll learn to fall asleep without being held and cooed at.

I'm _this_spoiled and I still feel sad? There must be something wrong with me.

I'm showing Esme how to make flat bacon the next day, because there's really nothing better for me to do, when Tanya comes into the kitchen. She points her long, elegant finger at me and curls it up, beckoning me. "We need to talk, _moya zain'ka," _she purrs at me. Which, don't get me wrong, but it makes me question my sexual orientation for the first time in my life. She's like…_sexy._

I stutter something to Esme about keeping an eye on the breakfast meats and follow Tanya into the living room, where she pats the couch next to where she has sat down.

"I tell you a sad story, Isabella," Tanya gets a pouting look on her face and I just nod. "I know Edward for many, many years. He is very delicious man, yes?" I nod again, not knowing where we are going with this.

"I try many times to…how do you say…'get it on' with him? I try tricking him, I get in tub of hot water naked, I do many things and he have no…" She gestures to her lap. "He have no _interest_in me." I'm getting that by "interest" she means "erection?"

"I realize that Edward is very young boy in man's body. He like American baseball, Humphrey Bogart, little boy things, not grown man. I like grown man." I am starting to understand what she is trying to say. She's trying to warn me that Edward has no interest in me, as if I hadn't figured that out already, although I do appreciate the gesture. Tanya is saving me from my own fantasy life.

"Then we come to visit, see little Thomas." She smiles brilliantly at this. "Very sweet little boy and pretty mother, and I see Edward, he is not little boy any more. He is man, wants man things but not with Tanya." I stare at her blankly. I don't really understand anymore. She looks at me, eyebrow raised. "You get now?" she asks.

I shake my head. "Tanya, I'm sorry. I don't understand."

She sighs, rolls her eyes and mumbles something about love being blind _and _stupid.

"Edward look at you the way man looks at woman he loves. You look at him like thing to eat. He will be good dad to little Thomas, you will come to love him." I stare at Tanya, and then shake my head vigorously.

"No, Tanya, that's very nice of you to say but Edward isn't attracted to me."

"No, Bella, Edward isn't 'attracted' to you. Edward is in love with you, but he's shamed by what he is and think you have no interest in him." Tanya leans back into the couch and grins at me. "We know different, you and I."

I am frozen in place, staring at Tanya. Alice comes in just then.

"Tanya, she'll just have to see for herself. Come on, Bella, we're going to get you ready for work."

"I have to go to work?" I ask, still staring at Tanya. Alice pulls me off the couch and starts dragging me up the stairs. "Yep, you need to see it for yourself."

Alice gets me dressed in the less offensive of several outfits that she has laid out for me. The clothing thing has been a bone of contention between Alice and I; with me insisting that new moms get to dress sloppy and her insisting that most new moms have a lot more excuses to dress sloppy than I do.

"If Edward is attracted to me, why do I need to dress up?" I ask.

"So that he sees that you made the effort." She brushes my hair and unbuttons a button that I really felt like I needed. "All you have to do is show up, Bella. And watch. You keep missing what's going on because you're so sure that you know everything. Watch Edward's face. If you don't see anything there, then you're right and I will never make you put on lip gloss again." I make her shake hands on it. I _hate_lip gloss.

I get to the office, feeling weird being away from Thomas for the first time but excited to actually be out of the house. I walk in the door of the office and Edward, who is looking through the file drawer in my desk, looks up - and then I see it.

Edward, the object of my teenage lust since the first time I saw him, snarling at me outside the bookstore, is checking me out. I have never been so thrilled to see a man stare at my boobs in my life.

But I am a skeptic and I need to test this further. So I do a subtle brush across his shoulders, the eyelash flutter and then the clumsily obvious arrangement of the computer screen so I can trap him into ogling my chest again.

I am a teenage seductress. I am drunk with power.

But then he runs into his office and sequesters himself in there for the next half hour. I question myself. I think about taking off, embarrassed. What if I just made him uncomfortable? And then I remember Tanya and Alice waiting at the house and I summon up the courage to complete the experiment. I consider buttoning up that last button again, but decide to leave it the way it is and I go into the inner office. Edward is tapping his fingers on the windowsill and looking altogether uncomfortable. I second-guess myself again, but decide I need to see this through. After all, I can always just die of embarrassment and then go out with Mike Newton or something. I throw up a little in my mouth at that last thought.

I lean against his desk and do that hair toss thing that I see Rosalie do all the time. I ask Edward if there's anything I can do for him in the most suggestive way I can.

He looks at me curiously and then walks slowly towards me. I can't breathe. He stops in front of me and puts his hands on the edge of the desk on either side of me. I'm going to die from oxygen deprivation.

He smiles at down me and says, "Bella, …are you _flirting_with me?" I get my lungs to work, reluctantly, and all I can breathe in is Edward-scented air. I nod at him.

"Do you mind my asking why?" He smirks at me.

"I, uh…didn't really understand that you were…interested in me," I say. "It just seems a little improbable, what with you ..." I make a gesture in his direction. "And I'm…" I point at myself and snort. "You know what I mean?"

He is still staring into my eyes and I could just die here, right now, and I probably wouldn't complain about never having been to Paris or anything. He nods slowly and then leans in a little closer to me, and then says, "So, does this mean that you're willing to consider…" I know where he's going with this, so I cut him off.

"Going out on a date with you?" I smile at him. I mean, I said I wanted to fool around with him. I'm not sure I'm ready to pick out china patterns.

"Uh, yes, of course," he says, taking a deep breath and then formally asking: "Bella, I wonder if you would be willing to go out on a date with me?"

I smile and agree and we decide on the following night.

He is grinning at me and I have to get the hell out of here before I get brain damage from oxygen deprivation. But I cannot resist going back in and giving him a kiss on his smooth, cold cheek. In the moment of contact I want to do so much more but I'm afraid I'm learning that my Edward is a little old-fashioned, so I decide not to. At least, not today.

**Thanks for reading! xoxo JuJu**


	34. Outtake 2 The Killer Inside Me

"**The Red Eye" outtake #2: The Killer Inside Me **

So, I find myself traveling with an infant. Again. In addition to the dubious pleasure of taking an infant on a honeymoon. But since my choices are: a) taking a baby on a honeymoon; or, b) not having a honeymoon, you can see how I arrived at my decision. Ninety years, people, nine frickin' decades. That's all I'm saying.

So Bella and I planned our wedding and reception small so we could get the hell out of Dodge as fast as possible, since neither of us are big "party" people. We caught a flight to Niagara, because I decided that a honeymoon at Niagara Falls was all cool and romantic.

Well, I was right about the whole "cool" part since it was November in upstate New York. But still romantic, although a honeymoon in Cleveland would be romantic if Bella was there.

Bella is exhausted by the time we get there so I persuade her to take a nap and offer to take care of Thomas. I know, I am a selfless, selfless vampire. I'm like the Mother Theresa of vampires.

Except that I have a plan. I have been observing Thomas' awake-to-asleep ratios, because I've got plenty of time like that, what with not sleeping and not really wanting to pay attention to my job ever, and I think that if I play my cards right I can get a couple hours of sleep out of him.

Thomas and I do a little bit of reading: some "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and some Wilkie Collins. We bite some blocks and do some crawling around and manage to stay awake for about an hour and a half past our normal bedtime. All part of my diabolical plan.

When Bella's had a few hours of sleep and Thomas is getting all droopy-eyed, I put him down and we have a little vampire-to-baby talk.

"Buddy, I promise I will never again talk with you about this stuff, because I know it's creepy to think about your parents having sex. But, for the next couple of hours, I'm really hoping that you could just sleep, ok? I've been waiting for this particular couple of hours for a really, really long time. I'll keep the baby walkee-talkee thing on but I am hoping that you are particularly tired. I'll make it up to you, I swear. Whatever you want. New toys, more stuff to put in your mouth, anything you want. Deal?"

Thomas just looks at me with his sleepy eyes and drools a little. I chose to take that as a "yes."

I slip into the bedroom of our cabin and close the door. Bella is still sleeping and I am debating whether to wake her up or not. I feel like a cad. I lie down carefully next to her and just watch her sleep. Because that's what I do. It's not creepy if it's your wife, right?

Bella took a bath before her nap and her hair is still a little damp. She's wearing a pair of dark blue, silky pajamas. I see her wedding ring on her hand and there it is. The other implication of the Victorian-Pavlovian response. I see her with my wedding ring on and that convinces me that I have to pounce on her.

I nuzzle my nose into her warm, slightly damp neck and kiss her right under her jaw. She lets out a little sleepy murmur and shifts towards me a little. I decide that was particularly successful and do it again. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles at me.

"I'm sorry to wake you up," I whisper. She rolls her eyes at me.

"No you're not," she says, putting her hand in my hair softly. I smile and put my lips back up against her neck and continue kissing her there.

"I should change," she says, not moving. "Alice gave me very specific directions."

I shake my head. "No, you don't have to change." I move my hand to her top button and undo it. I do an exemplary job on the first button but lose it with the next few. Sorry, pajamas.

I need to mention here that my new wife is not particularly loquacious. Apparently she doesn't need to be because I NEVER shut up.

"Bella…my love…oh, do you want me to…of course. Let me do that…is that…oh, you're so beautiful. Don't do…oh, I see what you're…sweetheart, you have to tell me…like this? Oh, you like that, don't you? Do you want me to…are you…oh, my God, I can't believe that…love, you don't need to…oh, Bella. I want to…that's so good. Please don't…you have to tell me…I can't…please, do that again…yes…just like…can you…oh, God, please…my Bella. I want…please…I'm going to…Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints, including that weird one that is in charge of shoes…" (sound of crashing when I hit the lamp on the nightstand accompanied by my fist going through the headboard after tearing the sheet).

I stare at my wife for a full minute before saying; "If I had known it was like _that_ I would have insisted on doing that with you when we first met."

She laughs and lays her head on my chest.

"I'm serious," I say. "That's all we're doing from now on. I'm going to hire a nanny."

"I'm not going to say 'I told you so,'" she says. "But I tried to get into your pants ages ago."

"I know," I say. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Don't worry. I'm a convert. Thomas is still asleep. Let's do it again. Can we do that? Please?"

My new wife is surprisingly tolerant of my new hobby, especially considering the number of items of clothing I destroy in the next few days, as well as the dent I put in the side of the rental car and the bruise on her shoulder.

But the most expensive repair required on my honeymoon ends up being the replacement door for the cabin. Again, totally my fault. I was reenacting the kiss from "Niagara" and got a little excited.

And the car thing? Let's just say that I paid out of pocket rather than try to tell our insurance agent the truth.

**a/n: Betham betaed it, Stephanie Meyer has ownage. Thanks for reading! xoxo JuJu**


	35. Outtake 3 Noir

**Noir**

"Hey, Thomas. What rhymes with 'loser'?" My Uncle Emmett stands in the doorway of the kitchen, where I am trying to do my homework.

"Writing my biography?" I ask, wincing at him.

He laughs. "No, I'm writing your mom a poem for her birthday," he says, frowning down at the piece of paper in his hand. Then he looks up at me with a look of horror. "Not that I'm saying your mom's a loser, Champ. I'm talking about Eddie's loser-dom."

I nod. "I figured as much." I lean back in my chair. "Let's see…'boozer,' 'bruiser,' 'PT Cruiser.'"

"I hate those cars," Emmett says. "So ugly."

"Yeah, they look like little hearses, huh?" I say. "How about 'chooser'? Actually, I don't even know if that's a real word. Why don't you use the rhyming dictionary Aunt Rose got you?"

Emmett shook his head vigorously. "That would be admitting defeat, my friend."

"But asking _me_ is winning?" I don't get relationships sometimes.

"Just wait until you're married. You'll see. You have to maintain your pride. Using that thing would be like eating pizza with a fork. It's just not right." Emmett rubbed the back of his neck for a moment. "Not that I eat pizza. Or use eating utensils for that matter. I guess it'd be like eating a wild boar with a fork. Does that work?"

I snort at him. "Well, the whole relationship thing_'_s not likely to happen to me anytime soon," I moaned. "I think I'm actually breaking unpopularity records at my new school. Like 'most time spent without talking to a girl'. I expect Guinness to call me any day about the World record."

"Yeah, you'd be up against some stiff competition from your dad, I'm afraid," Uncle Emmett says.

"Yeah, but chicks talk to him like _all_ the time! He just ignores them. They can't even see me!" I'm serious. It's like the girls in this town are all taking crazy puberty boosters or something. They are all like a foot taller than me. Plus I have developed, over the summer, the worst acne known to man. I had a nightmare a couple nights ago that Aro decided to change me at my current age. I was frozen at fourteen and five feet tall with skin like a leper and a toothpick for a neck.

I guess I really shouldn't complain. Up until now I've had a pretty easy life. I've got a great family, plenty of money and have always had plenty of friends.

"Had" being the operative word here, unfortunately. This year, my freshman year of high school, I started at a new school all the way across the country from all my old friends. It's not the best time to do this, but we had to move on so that no one notices that my parents don't age.

And because they try to start out as young as possible in a new place, I get to go to high school with my parents. Yay me.

It's not enough that I am at that awkward, shorter than all the girls phase. It's not even the fact that my family is freakish-vampire pretty, even Uncle Emmett.

The worst part about this whole thing is how _into_ each other my parents are. I am constantly walking into the cafeteria, where I have to eat for Christ's sake, to see my dad all over my mom like white on a vampire. Gross.

That's not even mentioning the vile things I've seen at home. I regularly start yelling "I'm walking into this room right now and don't want to have to gouge my own eyes out!" before I walk into rooms. I mean, in the abstract, it's great that they love each other. But in the concrete, "I have to live with this shit" sense? Eew. Just eew.

My family is pretty sympathetic but there's not much that they can do. Carlisle brings home industrial strength acne medicine from work. Aunt Rose has promised me her kick-ass Corvette when I am old enough to drive. Not that it's doing me any good _now._

I continue to mope in the kitchen, doing algebra, until my parents get home from wherever-the-fuck they were. Probably making out somewhere.

"Thomas, put your homework away and come talk with me," my mom says, smiling. My pretty, happy, sparkly mom. I shrug and ignore her.

"Thomas Charles Swan Cullen, I'm talking to you." My mom busts out the full name. She means business. I glare at her.

"What, _mom_?" I load on the attitude. She folds her arms across her chest and purses her lips at me. My dad is starting to look anxious.

"I know you're not happy about the move but it doesn't give you the right to ignore me when I talk to you,"

"What are you going to do? Ground me? I don't have a social life. I'm an adolescent freak. It's not like it'll make a difference."

"Bella, why don't you go relax," my dad intercedes, putting his hands on her arms and moving her gently towards the door. "Thomas and I will bring in the groceries."

"He better, since they're all for him," my mom mumbles, and she walks out of the room.

"Come on, kiddo," Dad says. "Let's go bring in the groceries."

We bring the bags in from the car. I feel a little guilty because my mom has totally gotten all my favorite foods. I sit back down and stare at my math book while he puts stuff away and starts dinner.

"Are you going to make me apologize?" I finally ask him. He looks at me for a minute, frowning slightly and then shakes his head.

"Naw. She's not really mad. She just feels guilty. You know, about the move and all. She sees how unhappy you are and she feels bad." My dad is washing some chicken in the sink.

"It's not her fault," I mumble. Even though it totally is.

"Well, it's all of our faults," my dad says, throwing the chicken into a pan and wincing at the smell. "If you had a more normal family, you wouldn't have to move every ten years and lie to your friends." He pauses. "Or go to school with your parents." He smiles at me apologetically.

"I don't want a normal family. My family is way cooler than everyone else's. It's just hard being so alone at a new school." I blush as soon as this comes out of my mouth. I mean, my dad was alone for decades before my mom came along. He must have been miserable - and I'm complaining about having to sit by myself in class for a couple days?

"Well, for what it's worth, your Aunt Alice says it's temporary. And your Mom says she was kind of a late bloomer, so that's probably where you get it."

"Dad, she was pregnant at seventeen. How late could she have bloomed?" I feel a hand on my shoulder as I say this, and I look up into my Mom's amber eyes. Oops.

"You benefited nicely from it," she says, smiling dryly at me. "Besides, I was eighteen."

"Just barely," my Dad says. She shoots him a glare and sits down next to me.

"Honey, I'm sorry that this is so hard. If you want to go back to Forks, you could always stay with Grandpa Charlie. We would just have to be careful about visiting you."

I can tell that my Mom doesn't want this, and I know my Dad doesn't because he gets this horrified look on his face.

"I want to stay with you, Mom," I say, putting my hand on her cold one. "I just don't want to be a friendless loser." I can see my Dad slump down in relief and go back to washing vegetables.

"I was thinking about that," she says. "I was thinking that we could join a club or something." She looks at me with such sincerity I feel bad about being a jerk about this. But I do it anyway. Because, you know, I'm fourteen and stuff. That's what we do.

"Yeah, joining the Chess Club with my 'big sister'..." I accentuate the air quotes. "...is gonna make me look totally cool." My mom frowns.

"How about Yearbook?" My dad suggests. "I'll do it with you."

My mom looks at Dad in shock. "You're going to join a club? With teenagers?"

"It's more of a class, I think, Mom," I intercede. I'm thinking that, with dad, it won't be as embarrassing. I mean, at least he's a guy. It'll look moderately better to join something with my "big sister's boyfriend" than with my "big sister". Plus, I'll be like his wingman. You know, when the chicks hit on him and he turns them down I'll be there to help them pick up the pieces. Perfect plan.

"I've joined stuff before," my dad tells Mom.

"Like what?" she asks, smirking.

"Well, Alice and I joined the French club one time," he says, shrugging his shoulders.

My mom looks unconvinced.

"And Emmett and I did 4H one year," he adds, hopefully. "Of course, Emmett ate our sheep before the county fair came, so that was kind of embarrassing."

"Less making out at school would be nice, too." I add. "It's kind of gross."

"That's not what Mr. Terrence thinks," my dad says, wiggling his eyebrows at my mom. "He thinks we should make a…"

"STOP IT! LA LA LA!" I yell, putting my fingers in my ears. I totally did not need to think about my principal thinking about my parents that way.

"Sorry, Thomas," my dad says, sheepishly.

Things just may not improve on that front, but at least while dad and I are in Yearbook, he can't be swapping venom with my mom, right?

**a/n: Don't get all "Awww, poor Thomas," ok? The kid has a charmed life. **

**The lovely and talented Betham betas this, without her it would all be darkness and chaos. The outtakes are coming in no particular order, just as the mood strikes, so my apologies for any disorientation, loss of sensation in the extremities and/or drowsiness they may cause. Also, don't operate a motor vehicle while reading "The Red Eye." Thanks for reading (while stationary) and, uh, yeah. Xoxo JuJu**


	36. The Great Station Wagon Debate of 1973

_**"We are finally able to come to an agreement on the whole thing in less time than it took to settle the Great Station Wagon Debate of 1973, the argument by which all arguments are measured. At least this one stayed civil as measured by appendages removed and furniture damage."**_

It all started when Alice came home with a white, 2-door Datsun. It was actually the smallest car I had ever seen. It reminded me of the ones you'd see in the circus with a bunch of maniacal, inebriated clowns climbing out of it.

I hate clowns.

Emmett came out of the house to see it.

"Alice, I heard this buzzing noise and thought there might have been a wasp nest or a mini-sewing machine out here." Alice stuck her tongue out at him and patted the hood of her tiny car.

"This car gets forty miles to the gallon," she said proudly. Emmett snorted at her.

"So? It's got a hamster wheel for an engine," he said. "I bet I could throw it further than Eddie threw that boulder this spring."

"Do you have to bring that up?" I asked. "Carmen is _still_ mad at me about that."

"Well, maybe you should control your temper a little bit better," Alice says. Traitor. She _knows _why I was that mad. Major league baseball had been ruined forever. I swear, the designated hitter was the first sign of the apocalypse.

"What the hell is this?" Rose said, coming out of the house. "Is that a golf cart?"

"Can you believe this?" Emmett asked her. "We're going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood. It was bad enough when Jasper freaked out on the guy at the record store when he tried to sell him the new Beatles album…"

"It's not a Beatles album!" Jasper yelled from the garage, where he was moving his truck to make space for Alice's new car. "It was goddamn Wings! That's an abomination!"

"'Live and Let Die' wasn't that bad," Rosalie added mildly.

"Yeah, but 'Band on the Run'? _I'll _give them something to run from!" Jasper yelled.

"Just wait until he hears 'Silly Love Longs'," Alice muttered. I gave her a questioning look. "Three more years," she mouthed.

"I don't understand why you're so concerned about gas mileage, Alice," I said. "Plus, this thing is tiny. Emmett and I won't even fit in it."

"There's going to be an oil embargo next month. Gas is going to become scarce. I don't want to spend a bunch of time waiting around in line to get gas." She points to her tiny white car. "This thing gets great mileage. Plus, it's cute."

Emmett shakes his head with disgust and, as he walks away, I can see what he wants to do. I look at Alice to see if she got it. She shakes her head in disgust.

"He wouldn't dare," she says, putting her hands on her hips.

"I think he would. He's been in a bad mood since Bonanza got canceled." I shrug my shoulders at Alice.

"We have an agreement about spaces in the garage. There's no way I'm parking this thing outside." Alice says. "It'll get so rusty it'll look like the Titanic after one winter here."

Sure enough, Emmett went out the next day and bought the ugliest station wagon he could find. I mean, really ugly. It was pistachio green with that wood-colored paneling on the sides, as if that was fooling anyone. Like anyone said "Oh, look! That car is made out of wood! And pistachios!"

"You're not parking that in my space, Emmett! I hope you're planning on getting rid of one of your other cars."

The problem is that there was no way Emmett could get rid of any of his other vehicles. Emmett is a brave, brave man. He's not afraid of anything. The Volturi, fire, clowns, nothing. Except his wife. Heck, I'm afraid of his wife. And she's a little…attached to her cars.

"Don't worry about it, pipsqueak," Emmett assures Alice.

I don't know how he hid it from us, but when we got back from school the next day, (Bemidji High School, home of the Fighting Norwegians) Alice shook her head furiously.

"Dammit, Jasper, I told you we should have taken your car!" Jasper sent her waves of calm from the back seat of the Datsun, where he was wedged in sideways, his knees nearly pushing into his chin. I saw that Emmett had parked his station wagon in the Datsun's space.

Alice honked the little, squeaky horn of the Datsun until Emmett came out. He and Rose had "graduated" the year before and were supposed to be in College in South Dakota. Really, Rose worked on her cars all day and Emmett goofed around and read science fiction. And listened to the news about Watergate. I don't know which was more bizarre. He kept trying to convince me to go to DC with him to see if I could read Nixon's mind to see if he was lying. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather avoid than the mind of Richard Nixon. I have an infallible memory. It would never go away.

Emmett came out of the house with a big grin.

"What's up, Mini-Sis?" Alice growled at him and pointed to the pistachio abomination in her carport space.

"Move that thing now!" she commanded, getting out of the car. I got out and helped Jasper pull himself out of his contorted position in the backseat.

Alice stalked into the house followed by Jasper. I looked at Emmett and raised a brow at him.

"Athletics won," he said with a smile.

"Dammit!" I exclaimed. "I swear, Emmett, the day an American League team from Oakland wins two World Series in a row is the day I drink Hermit crab blood."

"You might want to get yourself to the pet store then," Emmett said with a wink.

I scowled at him and stomped into the house. I had no sooner sat down to change out of my corduroys and sulk about baseball than I heard a horrible screeching noise and rushed back out.

I have to admit, it _was_ kind of funny. Emmett had taken Alice's Datsun and put it into the back of his station wagon. The problem was - the back of the station wagon, despite being the biggest station wagon ever - wasn't quite big enough.

I stopped laughing when Alice came out.

Emmett stopped laughing when Alice tore his arm off and threw it.

Alice stopped laughing when Emmett tossed her through the garage door after she latched onto his leg.

Then he laughed again as he saw Alice (and his leg) hit Rosalie's current project, the Shelby Cobra she had just finished painting.

Rosalie didn't laugh at all as she stared at the vampire imprint in her wet paint.

She just pulled off his other leg and hit him with it.

Then she went after Jasper and I.

She had gotten my ear and Jasper's hand and we had trashed all of Esme's wicker porch furniture before Esme came out and stopped us.

Who buys furniture made of sticks for a house full of vampires, anyway?

Esme watched us, tapping her heel on the deck while we picked up everything as best we could and reattached all our limbs.

Getting my ear pulled off was nothing compared with the agony of Carlisle's consequence for us.

For the next year we were forced to share the station wagon, which had suffered no small amount of body damage from being stuffed with a Datsun.

It was humiliating. Excruciating. Plus, do you know how many Hermit crabs it takes to feed an average vampire? Lots. That's all I'm going to say.

**a/n: Betham has all the awesome; I have all the punctuation errors. FYI: Bemidji High's mascot is actually a lumberjack but I hadn't offended enough Europeans this week so I went with a Norwegian to meet my quota. Thanks for your patience, I hope you still remember my pathetic story. I have a few more outtakes up my sleeve (that hopefully won't take this long!) Thanks for reading! xoxo JuJu**


	37. Outtake 5 The Lady Vanishes

**a/n: Ok, so for those of you who read this in the Fandom for Texas Fires compilation this is the equivalent of regifting, but with, like, my own gift. For those of you who didn't, Merry Christmas!**

_**"Yeah, uh, the fewer of you guys that are here at first would probably be better." Thomas' eyes slip away from mine. He's clearly up to something. I haven't seen him do that since the time he borrowed my Vanquish and got it towed. A night that has been referred to since then as "The Night Edward Got Us Kicked Out Of The Impound Lot." All I can say is I swear that car was never the same after that.**_

_**The Red Eye Chapter 31: "The Charmed Life of Thomas Swan-Cullen"**_

"I love you, Sweetie," Bella kisses Thomas on the head. "Be good while we're gone." It's the first time we've left Thomas completely alone in the house for this long and Bella's anxious. I decide NOT to mention to her that Alice said that everything would be fine. That just doesn't always help and there are the rare occasions that Alice is wrong, like the time Thomas got into the permanent markers and gave himself full body tattoos. She also never let Jacob watch TV with him unsupervised again. Apparently Jacob likes reality TV, the more body modifications the better.

"Mom, stop fussing. By the time you were my age you were buying prenatal vitamins and hanging out with monsters. What's the worst thing I could do? Record over Carlisle's episodes of 'Extreme Operations'?" Thomas straightens out his thick brown hair and smirks at his mom.

Bella just wrings her flawless white hands and frowns at him slightly. I sigh and pick up her bag. We are going away for the weekend with Emmett and Rose, an idea that's designed to help ease Bella into leaving Thomas alone for small amounts of time. I'm worried that he's going to go away to college next year and turn into one of those kids who've never been on their own and decide to drink their weight in cheap beer and participate in pranks that get them arrested and/or perpetrate inhumane acts against innocent farm animals.

I used to be really worried about Thomas, too, but I've relaxed a lot since he was a kid. I had a hard time letting him go to sleepovers and I made Jacob go on his school field trips with him if it was going to be too sunny for me to go myself. That is, I did, up until the infamous "Seattle Zoo monkey fiasco". All I'm going to say is that Jacob may be eight feet tall or whatever but he lacks the maturity to chaperone school children. It actually should be the other way around.

Anyhow, I used to be pretty paranoid about something happening to Thomas until I realized that a) Alice was likely to catch most things, b) being worried is pretty non-productive when you're talking about a male child raised any where near my brothers and c) not only was my entire family watching but so were the Volturi.

This actually comforts Bella quite a bit less than it does me because she thinks that they are clownish. Which they are. But the guard also knows that Aro will host a Molotov cocktail party for them if anything happens to Thomas.

I pull on her hand and gesture to the door with a smile. Bella winces and then passes me on the way out the kitchen door with a guilty look on her face.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," I call over my shoulder winking at Thomas.

He laughs and responds with: "Well, I guess that means I'll be reading Agatha Christie and listening to prog rock all weekend."

"Good one, kiddo," Emmett says, walking into the kitchen with a backpack on his shoulder and an enormous suitcase in his hand.

"Ha, ha," I say to them, pausing half-way out the door. "What are you going to do this weekend?" I ask my kid. He shrugs his shoulders and then gestures to his phone with his chin.

"Alex and Dan were gonna come over and play some games. Then I've got practice tomorrow." My kid's eyes slide away from mine briefly and then flicker back to me. Not being able to read his mind is a pain sometimes. I have a feeling something's up, though.

"No hot date?" Emmett asks. Of course, that's it. Thomas has a date almost every weekend. I'm continually surprised that there are still girls he hasn't taken out in town. I suspect he's begun making his way through the students at the community college. I can't blame him, though. I know exactly what he's looking for. I didn't find it until I was 115. I think he's just trying to get an earlier start than me.

"Naw," Thomas answers sheepishly. "I'm just gonna hang with the guys this weekend."

I nod. "I guess one weekend won't turn you into the patron saint of men with too many hobbies, here," Emmett says, gesturing to me.

"Shut up, Emmett," I say, turning to leave the kitchen with a wave at my son.

"Hey, I'm not criticizing!" Emmett calls. "It made it a lot easier to find books when you organized them by year published and then alphabetically by main character."

'You can't even read, Emmett," I respond, over my shoulder.

"That's not true! I read that book about anatomy last week!" Emmett looks at me incredulously.

"That was a car magazine," I rebut.

"Oh," he says. "I was wondering why all the ads."

We actually manage to get to the cabin by dark, despite Emmett's "shortcuts," most of which take us on the scariest, bumpiest roads in Northern Maine. Rose just put new shocks on the Jeep and he's eager to try them out. I swear, if my teeth hadn't been stuck in place since the War to End All Wars I would have lost a couple of molars on that drive.

It's a nice weekend of chasing big game around in the woods of Maine and al fresco dining but Bella is eager to get back to Farmington by Sunday night.

We park the Jeep outside so Rose can unload her enormous suitcase so I don't notice right away that the garage is a little roomier than usual. What I do notice is that Thomas is nowhere to be seen and the house lacks the usual aroma that accompanies a teenage boy soiree. There was not a single cheese puff consumed in this house this weekend. Suspicious.

The phone rings and Emmett hands it to me.

"Edward Masen?" the man on the other end of the line asks.

"Yes," I have a bad feeling about this.

"This is Brad down at Abbott Towing in Augusta. I have a 2001 Vanquish registered to you in my yard. I need to release it to the registered owner."

"I'll be there in 30 minutes," I choke out. My mind is filled with images of my beloved car as a twisted hunk of metal.

"Great. I'll let the kid know," Bud says.

"The kid?" I ask, having a sick feeling I know who he was talking about but Brad has already hung up.

All four of us pile into the Volvo: Bella so she can drive it back, Rose and Emmett so they can watch me lose my shit on the way to Augusta. Thomas, curiously, is not answering his phone. I say "curiously" because what teenage boy wouldn't like to get eviscerated over the phone by his Dad for endangering his most precious possession? That was sarcasm, by the way.

I glance at Bella during the tense drive down and I see that she is smirking slightly.

"What?" I ask.

She shrugs at me. "You were so relaxed about leaving him at home alone. You're singing a different tune now that he's done something to your little spy car, aren't you?"

"They don't make them anymore," I whine. She's still gloating. "You're just lucky you're so hot or I would never put up with your kid's shenanigans." I leer at her and put a hand on her thigh.

"Did you just say 'shenanigans'?" she asks, arching an eyebrow at me. "I think that there is something very wrong with you propositioning me while using the word 'shenanigans.' You don't _need_ to remind me that I'm having sex with a very old man, do you?"

"Funny. I don't think you were referring to my advanced age earlier when you…"

"Stop," Rosalie interjects. "I don't even want to hear the rest of that."

"I've been listening to you two for like eighty years. Do you think I really needed to know what you named Emmett's penis? Who even _uses _that word?"

"There is a definite excess of information floating around in this car," Bella says. "Let's go back to guessing what's happened to the Vanquish."

"Please don't," I say but am still bombarded with images from Rosalie and Emmett's head for the next twenty minutes: car wrecks, ruined upholstery, horrible smells. It's somewhat reminiscent of the time Emmett and Thomas planned a "brocation" for us in Wyoming. Just…never again.

The object of my ire is waiting anxiously outside the office of Abbott Towing. An office that is going to close in 3 minutes according to my watch and their sign.

"We'll speak in a minute," I say to him, giving him my best "you're so busted you might want to start researching prison tattoos" look.

I enter the office and am immediately met by an officious little voice: "We're closed." There is a small, ferret-like man sitting behind a desk with a nameplate that says "Darryl Walker" and an impressive pen collection.

"I apologize, Mr. Walker. I am Edward Masen. You have my Vanquish on your lot. All I need to do is pick it up." I pull out my wallet, prepared to provide identification as well as a ton of cash just to get my precious car out of that filthy tow-yard and tucked in under it's little car blanket at home where it belongs.

"I'm sorry. You'll have to come back tomorrow. We close at six." He gestures towards the clock on the wall. The one that is two minutes faster than the Swiss engineered masterpiece on my wrist.

"I will get out of your hair as soon as I can pick up the car," I smile at him charmingly and then I realize that Darryl Walker has no hair and he thinks that I'm making fun of him. This isn't going well. I pull out a bunch of cash.

"Please, Mr. Walker. I drove down from Farmington and it would be a terrible inconvenience to have to come back tomorrow. My wife's brother got the car towed and I would be really grateful if you could help me out."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Masen. I couldn't possibly make an exception. Rules are rules." I can see from Deputy fucking Walker's thoughts that he is totally serious. He refuses to take a bribe and he is not going to make an exception from me. He's like the world's most idealistic tow-yard employee or something. God, how I wish I believed in killing people!

"I don't want to scare you or anything," I say, really meaning the opposite. "But my brother out there? He's recently released from a prison for the criminally insane and he gets pretty angry when we have to take a lot of long car rides." I gesture to Emmett through the window. Unfortunately, Emmett has chosen that moment to tell Thomas and Rose a joke and he is laughing uproariously.

The oldest living Boy Scout just looks at me skeptically. I am grasping at straws here. I point to Rose. "His wife, Rose? She's pretty promiscuous and she really likes uptight little pencil pushers." Ok, I may have not been really choosing my words carefully with that last one. Because not only do I offend him but then Rosalie rushes into the office and threatens to emasculate me for trying to pimp her out in exchange for the liberation of my car. Then Mr. "Principles and Shit" decides he's going to call the police if I don't take my hooker sister-in-law and my crazy brother and myself and get out of the tow yard.

And I've still got Thomas to deal with. We're standing on the sidewalk next to the chain link fence that separates me from my Vanquish. I just raise my hands in confusion to him.

"Mariah Thompson," he says. I look at him blankly. He continues. "I've been trying to get her to go out with me for a year. She's really into the Bond movies." He shrugs. "We drove down here in the Vanquish to have dinner and I guess I parked it in a loading zone." Thomas looks down, wincing. "I'm sorry I lied and that I got your car towed."

"All this over a girl?" I said, exasperated and confused. Thomas looked at me in surprise and nodded.

"Yeah," he said to me, frowning slightly. "I mean, it's just a car, right? I figured you'd get it." He gestures to where his Mom is leaning against the Volvo, talking on her phone and laughing.

And as I look at her I realize that he's got a good point. It may be a limited edition car and it may be my favorite car out of all the cars I've ever owned. But it's just a _car_.

I would _hope_ that my life with his Mom would show Thomas that the girl trumps the car every time, no matter what. I'm pleased that Thomas can see this even when I lose sight of it.

That doesn't mean, however, that I don't spend the night outside of that tow yard so I can keep an eye on it. I mean, _James Bond_ drove this car.

**Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading! xoxo JuJu**


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